The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.22.94
Taped from Lowell, MA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane
It’s the FINAL COUNTDOWN (doo doo doot doot, doo doo doot doot doot!) to the Royal Rumble and we’re mere HOURS AWAY! Depending on where and when this episode aired.
Ludvig Borga v. Tim McNeeny
McNeeny tries attacking Borga off the top, from behind, but he gets laid out for his troubles and Borga gives him a delayed suplex. He’s letting him simmer up there like a Karjalanpaisti! Meanwhile we get an inset promo from Tatanka, who promises to use the power of the great spirit to defeat Borga at the Rumble. Man I hate when people use cheap ethnic shortcuts to get heat. Anyway, Borga uses the alley oop into the punch, tenderizing the jobber into Lihapullat, and then finnishing with the torture rack at 2:10. If this is indeed the end for Borga on this show, it was a fun ride. No, I’m lying, he’s terrible as ever. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE MERCHANDISE CATALOG!
BREAKING NEWS! The Quebecers are once again the tag team champions of the WWF thanks to Johnny Polo and his chicanery and shenanigans, and we get a promo from the new champions as they wait for Bret and Owen to beat the snot out of each other and soften each other up. Gorilla notes that Bret and Owen are in fact a far more formidable team than Marty and Kid were, so the Quebecers could lose the titles again. Man, way to bury the former champions already.
Doink the Clown v. Cory Student
Your hilarious clown prank of the week: Dink has a fake camera that squirts water. And Student is so messed up from this that Doink is able to get an Oklahoma roll and pin him in 0:30. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
Have we mentioned that tonight is the Royal Rumble? Have YOU ordered it yet? Did you know that the winner of the Rumble match will face the WWF champion at Wrestlemania X? NO? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Sorry, I’m getting all worked up from excitement over this tremendous happening in the World Wrestling Federation that’s only available on pay per view.
Meanwhile, Paul Bearer is apparently going to transport the casket on a literal horse and carriage. Shouldn’t he have started out sooner than the day of the show?
Shawn Michaels v. John Chrystal
The guest ring announcer geek this week might as well be in Good Will Hunting. My boy’s wicked smaht! No question which state we’re in this week. Shawn overpowers Chyrstal and gets a backdrop suplex to counter a headlock, but he runs into an elbow in the corner and Crhystla makes a brief comeback. Shawn lays him out with a superkick, however, and finishes with a piledriver at 2:30. I’ll give it a point, but the jobber needs to find a name that’s easier to spell. 1 for 3.
ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!
I love the program they show that promises “only one individual endures” considering what the finish of the match ended up being. Anyway, yes, the tag team title match is now back on again, to go along with the other pair of title matches.
Adam Bomb & Rick Martel v. The Smoking Gunns
Amazingly, this is apparently a continuation of the storyline from the Survivor Series Showdown, where the heels didn’t get along leading up to the show, picking up the most fucking random thread of storyline I can ever remember. Granted this show was in the can so long that it was probably taped the night after Survivor Series. Billy gets some armdrags on Martel to start and the Gunns double-team him in a slam from Bart as I struggle to think of a witty name for the Model and Adam Bomb team. Martel tosses Bart and Bomb clotheslines him on the floor to give the heels the advantage, and Martel works the back in the ring. Martel cuts off the ring, but misses a blind charge and hits the corner, giving us the hot tag to Billy. He runs wild and backdrops Martel, and the Gunns hit Bomb with a double dropkick and clothesline him to the floor. Double legsweep on Martel, but Dr. Harvey runs in for the DQ at 4:24. A surprisingly decent tag match before the shitty finish. 2 for 4. And this triggers another fight between Adam Bomb and Rick Martel as their tag team falls apart before I can even think of a name for them. I can confidently say that this went nowhere.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
JR quotes Carly Simon for all of her fans watching this show and talks about all the interesting doings leading into the show. He even promises that Razor v. IRS will be a closer encounter than people are anticipating! That’s not saying much.
Crush v. Dan Dubiel
Crush beats on Dubiel with Hawaiian martial arts, but misses a blind charge while Vince cheers on the jobber but calls him “Dale”. He goes up and Crush catches him for a powerslam, then drops the leg and hits him with a superkick. He’s like Hulk Hogan combined with Shawn Michaels, but with better hair than both of them! The inset promo from Crush reveals that, in fact, he’s no longer bothering with the Hawaiian accent, brah. It’s still real to me, dammit. Crush puts Dubiel down with an IRON CLAW and that finishes at 2:35. Hey, that’s a hell of a finish for Crush, I wonder why he never stuck with that one?
Bret and Owen Hart join Ray Rougeau for a special interview pretty late into this episode, and Owen stresses that EVERYTHING IS FINE between them. Kind of funny to hear Owen talking about “tonight” at the Royal Rumble when this was taped 5 weeks before the show. Bret calls them the “greatest brother team in the history of the WWF” while Ray Rougeau is STANDING RIGHT THERE. What a dick.
And finally, in case you were still on the fence about ordering the Royal Rumble, here’s Men on a Mission with the ROYAL RUMBLE RAP. From what I can ascertain, the Rumble is coming.
Next week: Who the hell knows.