The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 09.15.21
Live from Newark, NJ
Your hosts are Jim Ross, CM Punk, Tony Schiavone & Excalibur
CM Punk joins us to start, surfing the crowd before joining the commentary team.
Adam Cole v. Frankie Kazarian
Adam really needs to tweak the music and entrance to make his “Boom” and “Adam Cole Bay Bay” taunts match up better with the beat. Cole charges and Kaz takes him down with a headlock to start. Cole suplexes him onto the apron to escape that, but Kaz guillotines him on the way back in. Cole puts him down with a pump kick and goes to the chinlock on the mat, but Kazarian fights out with chops and they trade rollups for two. Kazarian escapes a german suplex and gets a superkick for two, but he tries for the chicken wing and Cole pushes off in the corner and rolls him over for two, and a superkick gets two. Cole goes up for the Panama Sunrise, but Kazarian catches him with an Alabama Slam and a springboard legdrop for two. They slug it out and Kazarian puts him down with a lariat, but Cole pops up with an ushigoroshi for two and both guys are down. Cole dodges him in the corner and goes up again, but this time the Panama Sunrise is successful. Last Shot finishes at 8:00. Good opener. *** And then we get story time, as Adam has only been here for a few weeks and already the Jurassic Express has gotten under his skin. So next week at the Rampage Grand Slam, it’s them against Cole and the Young Bucks.
Meanwhile, Fuego del Sol has bought himself a new car with his AEW contract money, but then decides to challenge Miro for another TNT title match this week on Rampage, with the car on the line this time.
MJF joins us, sad to be standing in the armpit of America after dealing with “Cryin’ Brian” last week. Moving on, he was “smartened up” that some of his words may have offended people last week, which draws a “shut the fuck up” chant from the crowd. So to make up for his offenses, he decides to have words with the spirit of Brian Pillman, bemoaning the terrible job that “Methanie” did birthing Brian Pillman Jr, who will be massacred next week in New York. So Pillman Jr. tries to attack out of the crowd, but Wardlow cuts him off and Pillman uses a chair to chase the heels away and win the day.
Earlier today, Brian Pillman Jr. sits down with Jim Ross, and although he’s been cleaned up after college, he’s still feral. Hopefully that’s not a vaccine side effect, like Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s swollen testicles.
Meanwhile, the Jurassic Express pick up the challenge from Adam Cole, as Christian notes that the Young Bucks “dragged him out of developmental” and since he’s already used to losing Wednesday Night Wars, he’ll be comfortable losing on Fridays as well. That’s just hurtful.
Matt Sydal & Dante Martin v. FTR
Everyone in the ring to start for this one as the mix-and-match brothers double-team Dax to start and a double dropkick gets two. Dante tries a springboard onto Cash outside, but that goes awry for him and he splats on the floor as the heels take over. Dante fights back and Cash runs him into the post to take over. Back in for a chinlock, but Dante fights back with a back elbow on Dax and makes the hot tag to Sydal. Sydal chases them to the floor and we get a double dive from the babyfaces and we take a break. Back with Dante running wild and flying all over them, but Cash gets a rollup with the trunks for two. Dante reverses to a pair of rollups for two, but Cash brings in Dax. They try the Big Rig but Dante flips over them and gets a sunset flip on Dax for two. Dante fights out of the corner with more flips, but walks into the Big Rig and gets pinned at 8:02. Man I wish they’d quit having Dante eat the pins in these. **1/2
And then the announcers discuss the SUZUKI INCIDENT, as he felt slighted for having his music cut off last week and now people are gonna pay. And then Lance Archer does a hell of a promo making that point to set up next week’s tag team match.
Malakai Black joins us for your weird crossover segment of the week, as Rosario Dawson is at ringside wearing a Cody jacket and he takes offense to that, which brings her out for a potential fight before Cody makes the save and they brawl into the crowd. Cody and Black, not Rosario, thankfully.
Meanwhile, Bunny talks some shit about Anna Jay leading up to Rampage. And then we hear from the Dark Order, who immediately cut off Anna’s retort with their bickering, so she kicks them to the curb. Even John Silver!
Dan Lambert and his crew join us in the ring, as he makes fun of the fact that all of the shirts are sold out in Men’s small and Women’s XL. Then he goes into a funny Cornette rant about people doing flips off a ladder and through six tables, which is only good for a two count. This brings out Chris Jericho, and Lambert demands that the music be shut off because the fans are busy looking at their phones to look up the words. So Jericho asks the obvious question: If they’re American Top Team, which one is on top? Quality burn there. Also Jericho’s unafraid of MMA fighters because he got into scuffles with a former UFC beast backstage and he’s still here. So Lambert challenges them to a match in New York and “not a shithole like New Jersey”, so that’s on as well. The heat for this was unreal and will probably be bigger next week.
Meanwhile, the Gunn Clubb is still undefeated in all combinations apparently. Math has betrayed me again.
Jade Cargill v. Leyla Hirsch
Leyla’s got music and everything now. Leyla takes her down with a double leg and pounds away on the mat, sending Jade to the floor, so Leyla follows with a dive and takes out Mark Sterling. Back in, Jade beats on her in the corner, but Leyla takes her down with a cross armbreaker and Jade slams out of that. We take a break and return with Jade trying a slam, but Leyla escapes with a choke attempt and Jade throws her to escape. Leyla fights her off again and gets a german suplex for two, sending Jade to the floor for another dive. Back in, Leyla puts her down with a knee strike for two, but she goes up and misses the moonsault, allowing Jade to hit the pump kick and glam slam to finish at 5:38. Leyla was working her ass off there and probably should have won, as Jade is kind of going nowhere at the moment and has lots of time to improve yet. But especially given that everything else on the show this week is hyper-focused towards building up Grand Slam Week, this stuck out like a sore thumb. **1/2
Meanwhile, Andrade threatens his interpreter and fires Chavo.
Team Taz stops by the desk to harass Punk, and Punk would be FOOLISH to mess with Hook, but he threatens to do just that until Hobbs nails him from behind. Hobbs saved the man’s life there. And then Hook gets a dragon sleeper on Punk as it’s UFC all over again for him, and then Hobbs chokeslams Punk on the announce table, which looks like it SUCKED for him. But probably less painful than whatever beating he would endure from Hook at least.
Meanwhile, Shawn Spears rants about rain and chairs and suchlike.
Shawn Spears v. Darby Allin
Spears attacks and beats on Allin in the corner, dumping him for some trashtalk to Sting before sending him into the stairs. And then he puts Darby’s head on the stairs and drives knees into it, but charges and runs into them himself. Hoist by his own petard there. Darby threatens a dive and Tully calls him off, allowing Spears to get a cheapshot and flip Darby to the floor. Back in, Spears grabs a towel and cleans off Darby’s facepaint to be a dick, and we take a break. That’s some weirdly random cheap heat but totally effective in character for both. Back with Darby making a comeback and dropkicking the knee, and the Code Red gets two. Darby goes up and hangs Spears in the Tree of Woe, but Shawn pulls him down by the necklace and they fight to the apron. He tries the C4 on the apron, but Darby shoves him onto the stairs outside and follows with a dive, and then back in for the coffin drop to finish at 8:15. *** This brings out FTR for a brawl with Sting and Darby, and Tully makes the mistake of getting involved and nearly gets destroyed by Sting before FTR gives him the business. And then for the big heat of the week, FTR hits a spike piledriver on Sting and Tully cleans off HIS facepaint as well for the MASSIVE heat. Now that was some effective heavy heat.
Bryan Danielson joins us and Kenny Omega immediately interrupts as Don Callis complains that Danielson has a big contract after Kenny did all the work building the company. But Bryan doesn’t want the title yet, and just wants a match with Kenny for now. But Kenny is just a guy who hangs out with a bunch of stooges and lets a piece of shit talk for him. Whatever the “shit” quota is on TNT, I’m sure they’ve shattered it by now in this interview alone. So Bryan is pretty sure Kenny has just lost his balls, which finally prompts Omega to accept the challenge. I’m assuming next week.
Miro is disgusted that Fuego del Sol is calling him out again after already getting burned by the stove once, so now he’s going to bash Sol’s brain and then bash his car too.
Meanwhile, Matt Hardy is still upset about the nose and he’s sick of Orange’s antics.
And then we get the double supercards of the New York Dynamite and Rampage, which is gonna be quite the week of pro wrestling.
Jon Moxley & Eddie Kingston v. 2.0
Oh dear, this isn’t going to go well for 2.0. They try attacking on the floor before the bell, but Moxley destroys Parker in the ring and hits him with the drop suplex while Lee piledrives Eddie on the floor. Lee comes in and Moxley decides to bite his face until Lee bails to escape that, setting up a sneak attack as we take a break. Back with Moxley fighting off both 2.0, but they double-team him and Parker gets a senton for two. Moxley fights back with a lariat and makes the hot tag to Eddie, who proceeds to beat on both heels in the corner at the same time. Back to Moxley, who fires up Eddie even more, and they finish Parker with the exploder and lariat combo at 5:40. These goofs keep losing and somehow manage to keep getting over bigger. ** Speaking of getting over big, Minoru Suzuki interrupts the celebration, and this time he gets to finish his song, and this triggers a giant brawl with Lance Archer joining in. Suzuki tries the Gotch piledriver on the table, but Moxley escapes (and gets BOOED!) and they all fight into the crowd as we wrap it up.
This was a super-solid episode that felt like a go-home show for a PPV, but in this case it’s for next week’s free TV show, so even better. Nothing really great in the ring this time but the Jericho segment was tremendous and I’m really looking forward to Darby & Sting v. FTR now as well.