The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 09.08.21

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 09.08.21

It’s the FALL OUT from ALL OUT, which by the way is tracking to be one of the biggest non-WWE wrestling PPVs in history.

Live from Cincinnati, OH, home of WKRP.

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Taz & Jim Ross

Dustin Rhodes v. Malakai Black

Slugfest to start and Dustin actually wins that battle and follows with a german suplex out of the corner.  They head to the floor and Black calls for time, and then suckers Dustin in and suplexes him through the timekeeper’s table.  Back in, Black slugs away in the corner and puts Dustin down with a knee to the gut for two.  Black takes him down with a chinlock and rolls him into a heel hook, but Dustin makes the ropes.  Black beats on the leg with kicks and the crowd is very divided here, and Dustin collapses off an irish whip as his knee gives out.  Black puts the boots to him a bit, but Dustin fires up and makes the comeback, catching Black with the powerslam for two.  He tries a destroyer and Black blocks, so Dustin gets a sunset flip instead for two.  Dustin slugs away in the corner, but Black slips out and destroys the knee with another kick again.  Running knee gets two.  Black goes under the ring and finds Cody’s boot, giving it to Dustin just to be a dick.  So Dustin gets FIRED UP and makes the comeback, hitting that destroyer for two to set up the bulldog.  Black slips out of that and SWEEPS THE LEG, and then finishes with Black Mass at 9:50.  Despite the continued incredible babyface fire and comebacks of Dustin Rhodes, Black wins again and looks like a beast.  ***1/2

Meanwhile, the Lucha Bros are the new AEW tag team champions and anyone who is willing to suffer can try to take them away.

Meanwhile, Eddie Kingston points out that God doesn’t play favorites, and both guys had to ice their balls after the match.  I sense a rematch coming.  Hopefully there’s more ice packs backstage.

CM Punk joins us and he puts over Darby Allin and the PPV in general, plus “local Cincinnati maniac Jon Moxley” in the main event tonight.  He wants to know what the fans want next for him, at which point Taz interrupts from the announce table and he’s sick of the “bullshit love fest” and doesn’t want to hear anything about Team Taz.  Punk is amused, having not even mentioned Team Taz, and Hook and Hobbs come out to look mean regardless.  So Punk asks for all four of the Team Taz guys and throws Taz’s catchphrase back at him.  So I guess that’s what’s next.  Punk v. Ricky Starks should be amazing from a promo standpoint.

Meanwhile, Ruby Soho’s interview gets interrupted by Dr. Britt Baker DMD and her entourage.  Britt tells her that she’s the “Runaway” because she’s been running away to catering for the past four years.  OOOOOOOOOH.  Sick burn.

Powerhouse Hobbs v. Dante Martin

Dante tries to springboard in and Hobbs clobbers him, but Dante flips over him and dropkicks him to the floor.  He tries a dive and Hobbs catches THAT in mid-air and runs him headfirst into the post in another awesome spot, and then tosses him into the railing as we take a break.  Back with Hobbs holding a bearhug and he drops a knee on Dante’s gut, but misses a second one and Dante comes back with a gigantic missile dropkick for two.  Pump kick puts Hobbs on the floor, and Hook tries to act cool and stop a dive, so Dante dives over Hook and hits Hobbs anyway.  Dante fights back in with an enzuigiri and flips into the ring for a pump kick, but Hobbs catches him with a spinebuster for the pin at 8:53.  Dante again looks incredible in losing.  ***

Dan Lambert does another promo from the stands, talking about Tony Khan signing every “skinny dork under 5’9” and if any tough guys want to come up and shut them down, now is the time.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy promises to shave Orange’s head.  Orange says whatever.

MJF joins us and he’s still pretty sore about losing.  I was thinking that it would kind of funny for Jericho to offer him a rematch now and make MJF do the Five Labours to earn it, but stack the deck to a ridiculous degree to get his revenge for that as well and cut him off at the first match.  Max calls it “Shit-cinnati” and then makes fun of all the marks who are going to go on Twitter and complain about “cheap heat” after that, and then challenges someone to jump the rail and beat him up, but then clarifies that no one will because they’re all cowards.  And then he picks on Brian Pillman’s family (“Hey there, Sixteen and Pregnant!”, which of course brings out Brian Pillman Jr. MJF talks about “his drug addicted mom Methanie” who forgot to swallow after dicking around with everyone else in wrestling but then letting herself get pregnant from Pillman.  So then MJF goes for the finish and says he’s going to abort Brian Jr. like his mom should have done 28 years ago, and Pillman snaps and beats on MJF until Wardlow saves him, albeit more reluctantly than usual. Griff tries to save and MJF knocks him out as well, and I’m sensing a tag team match on Rampage.  MJF was INCREDIBLE here, drawing Roddy Piper level heat.

Ruby Soho v. Jamie Hayter

Well now I have to add that song to my Spotify playlist too.  I thought it was so cool how Ruby put over the AEW crowd in Chicago because they were chanting for her and no one had ever done that before.  It’s so nice to see someone legitimately having fun and enjoying their job.  That’s how I feel watching AEW most weeks!  Ruby beats on Hayter with elbows and knees her into the ropes, but Hayter clotheslines her on the bottom rope to take over and chokes her out as we take a break.  Back with Ruby hitting a superkick in the corner and a tornado DDT off the ropes for two.  Hayter with a headlock, but Ruby tries a victory roll and turns it into a kind of facejam for two.  Hayter puts her down with a backbreaker and sliding elbow for two.  But then Ruby finishes with the Riot Kick at 7:34.  Bit of a style clash here but not bad.  **  Britt’s crew tries the beatdown, but Riho makes the save and she gets waylaid as well, so Kris Statlander makes the final save.

Meanwhile, Ricky Starks and Brian Cage are still not done with their thing.  They’re both tired of it.  Frankly so am I, it’s time to let Brian Cage go elsewhere because his time has passed.

Shawn Spears & FTR v. Evil Uno, Stu Grayson & John Silver

The Dark Order REALLY needs a leader according to the pre-match promo backstage.  I mean, I’m sure their must be SOMEONE with cult leadership experience out there, perhaps nearing the end of a 90 day non-compete clause.  Silver gets trapped in the corner right away and triple teamed, but Stu and Uno come back with a double-team backbreaker on Spears for two.  Silver comes in with a big boot for two, but Dax drops elbows on him for two until Uno comes in and breaks it up.  Silver fights back with a brainbuster on Dax, but Cash takes out the Dark Order and prevents a tag, so Silver makes his own comeback with a german suplex on Dax for two.  But the Dark Order guys collide by accident and Dax hits Silver with a slingshot suplex, allowing Spears to finish him with the death valley driver at 4:47.  And then we finally get the inevitable brawl between the Dark Order guys as they all blame each other and the girls give them a disappointed glare from the aisle.  *1/2

Meanwhile, Tully Blanchard is tired of Darby Allin, and wants a match against Shawn Spears for Darby next week.

Meanwhile, Brian Pillman Jr. challenges MJF for the Arthur Ashe Stadium show, but the Acclaimed interrupt and Max Caster announces a match with Pillman on Rampage.  Hopefully they clear his rap first this time.

The Elite join Tony for an interview in the ring, as Don Callis thanks the fans for voting Kenny Omega #1 in the PWI 500, and claims that the belts were stolen from the Bucks.  This gives us the Dynamite debut of Adam Cole, who immediately threatens Tony for being “too close” with Britt Baker and kicks him out of the ring.  Omega complains about being interrupted at the PPV, but Bryan Danielson interrupts again, so Omega invites him in for a word.  So Bryan wants to fight, and them’s fighting words, at which point Bryan takes him down in the Yes Lock and Kenny immediately taps, leading to the Elite beatdown before the Jurassic Express and Christian saves and clears the ring.  This leaves Cutler all alone with his cold spray, and he takes a knee to the face as a result.

Jon Moxley v. MINORU SUZUKI

Yes, this is a real thing that’s happening on TV.  And the crowd chants “Holy shit” just for Suzuki making his entrance!  They immediately trade elbows and that turns into boots to the face and Suzuki is LAUGHING AT IT.  So Moxley slugs him into the ropes and we take a break.  Back with Suzuki hitting a running boot in the corner, but Moxley catches a kick and they trade bites and then headbutts.  They continue to trade elbows, just beating the hell out of each other, and Suzuki catches him with the sleeper into the Gotch piledriver, but Moxley reverses out and hits the Paradigm shift, busting Suzuki open in the process.  And that gets ONE, as Suzuki pops up and wants more, and he won’t go down.  Suzuki fires back with a dropkick and paints his own body with his blood, then tries another sleeper, but Moxley punches him in the bleeding eye and hits another Paradigm Shift for the pin at 7:37.  Much like life, this was short, nasty and brutish.  ****  And then Moxley gets to celebrate in his hometown, the triumphant babyface to end the show.  What a concept.

What an exciting time to be a fan.  Nuff said.