The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.01.94

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 01.01.94

Taped from Utica, NY.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane.

Lex Luger v. Jacques of the Quebecers

For some reason we switch to Jim Ross and Gorilla Monsoon in Augusta, ME, at the Wrestling Challenge tapings that were done two weeks after the Superstars tapings.  For those keeping track, the actual tapings for the rest of this episode were done on December 1, but this match was taped December 15.  Anyway, Jacques rambles a pre-match promo about how he’s refusing to wrestle Luger until we get a doctor proving that Luger’s steel forearm is legal or something, and even Jim Ross is basically pointing out that the promo was going nowhere.  So not counting replays of matches from RAW, this is the first match that Luger has wrestled on Superstars since June!  The last time he was even on the show was his final squash as the Narcissist on June 15 1993.  I just think it’s fascinating that they were trying to push him as the new Hulk Hogan but then he completely disappeared from the main TV show for months.  Jacques attacks in the corner and goes to a camel clutch after some stuff, and sadly Quebecer Jacques is a very boring character compared to the Mountie, even if they look the same.  Lex escapes the chinlock and runs Jacques into the turnbuckles a bunch of times, but he has to stop and check and make sure he hasn’t run through his contractually obligated turnbuckle smashes before hitting the tenth one.  And then he mounts the ropes and gives Jacques four punches, but burns through his corner punch dates and has to let him go.  The ref is bumped and Polo trips up Lex, and they collide for a double down.  This brings Pierre down and he takes Jacques’ place, but only gets two.  Lex makes the comeback on Pierre and loads up the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM, knocking out Pierre for the pin at 6:32.  Jacques then informs the ref that it’s the wrong guy, so Luger gives him the forearm as well and pins Jacques as well.  And Johnny Polo gets in Lex’s face, so Luger hits HIM with the forearm and finally someone sells it properly, as Polo goes flying like a ragdoll and sells it like death.  Not particularly good as a match but it was fun watching Luger lay waste to the Quebecers like an actual superhero babyface.  1 for 1.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JIM ROSS! 

Jim Cornette rants about how “many people are saying” Undertaker can win the WWF title from Yokozuna, but then “8 out of 10 people in this country belong behind a fence” so their opinion doesn’t matter.

Meanwhile, Razor Ramon reminds us that smokers are losers, and then probably goes and lights up a giant doob with Kevin Nash.  I guess he did specify “tobacco smoke” at least.

The Headshrinkers v. Mike Khoury & Tim McNeany

Samu hits McNeany with a chop and then bowls him over, so McNeany tags out to Khoury as Vince continues actually researching the job guys and informs us of Khoury’s heritage and boxing past.  So weird for Vince to actually be doing his job for once.  Fatu chokes Khoury out on the ropes and headbutts him, and they finish him off with the double facebuster and flying splash at 2:42.  1 for 2.

PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION PAID FOR BY THE FOLLOWING!  ICOPRO, duh.

Razor Ramon joins Ray Rougeau for a special interview.  I’m glad Ray is able to keep it together after watching his brother get destroyed to open the show.  Razor is now missing his gold chains, and we’re finally going to see him pay off his threats about something happening to his gold when he faces IRS.  “Do you know what a guy like me can do to a guy like you?”  Is…is he going to rape him in prison?  Because that’s sure what it sounded like.  As feuds go, IRS certainly was one.

Bastion Booger v. Tony Roy

Booger quickly slams Roy and pins him at 0:34.  “How much does this guy weigh?” wonders Vince, foreshadowing another announcer later in the year.  1 for 3.

Meanwhile, we once again meet Thurman Plugg, but his friends call him SPARKY.

Owen Hart v. Barry Hardy

As usual, Bret can’t let Owen have his moment, making sure to come with him to ringside here because he’s SELFISH.  Owen works a headlock on Hardy and controls with an armdrag and then monkey-flips him down. Gutwrench and he goes up with a missile dropkick while Vince disrespects him by calling him “The Hitman’s brother”.  Disgusting.  Sharpshooter finishes at 1:44, as Owen demonstrates the move that Bret stole from him and made famous.  2 for 4.

ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT!  WITH TODD PETTENGILL!

Apparently everyone needs to call in and demand that Lex Luger be allowed to enter into the Rumble match, which I’m sure costs a mere $1.99 for the first minute and 99 cents for each minute thereafter.  Also, Undertaker is now shaping metal in his casket workshop.  Obviously he’s a union worker given that it’s taking him a month and a half to make a damn wooden box.

Ludvig Borga v. John Crystal

Given that it’s a New Year’s Day episode, I’m sure Borga popped a nice bottle of Salmiakki Koskenkorva to celebrate!  Borga hits Crystal with a corner clothesline as Tatanka does an inset promo where he credits the Great Spirit for giving him two opportunities at Borga at the Rumble.  First up, is Vince McMahon the Great Spirit now?  Second, the Great Spirit didn’t actually deliver that opportunity.  Borga hits Crystal with a samoan drop and finishes with the Torture Rack at 2:04.  2 for 5.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JIM ROSS! 

We’re all very excited about the Royal Rumble, which is a complete sellout, much like Jim Ross himself.  Shawn Michaels joins us, and he doesn’t have many friends in wrestling, except Diesel, and Shawn is confident that Diesel will just step out of the ring and let him win.

Next week:  This show just keeps going.  Also Jack Tunney will decide if Lex Luger can enter the Royal Rumble, probably based on how big of a kickback he gets.  He’s pretty corrupt.