The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 08.25.21
So with my birthday coming up and my family looking for ideas, I’m trying to decide if an Xbox Series S is worth the $379 Canadian, since I can actually get one of those, as opposed to the PS5, which I have no chance of getting my hands on. I don’t really need the disc drive because I buy everything digitally unless it’s really cheap disc games, and really all I end up playing is GTA5 and Red Dead 2 over and over anyway. Plus I like the idea of all my previous purchases via Xbox Live magically appearing where available. Is it worth the upgrade over my Xbox One S?
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Your hosts are Jim Ross, Excalibur & Tony Schiavone
Orange Cassidy v. Matt Hardy
We get the epic Delete v. Orange Kicks showdown to start and Matt pulls out a wad of cash, but fails to bribe Orange with it. However, Orange steals some anyway and dives onto Matt, who catches him and hits a Side Effect on the floor. I should note that my wife is heavily medicated tonight and laughing her ass off at these two. Back in, Matt hits him with a pair of backdrop suplexes and then goes to pick up his lost cash before unleashing his own vicious kicks. Elbow gets two. Matt adds a suplex and then steals the money right out of Orange’s pockets and drops the leg for two. I feel like I need the Mr. Krabs meme here. HE LOVES MONEY! Matt goes up and misses, but Orange is unable to hit the Beach Break and Matt reverses him into a Splash Mountain for two. Orange rolls away from the Twist of Fate and throws Matt out before following with a dive, and back in with a flying bodypress and tornado DDT for two. They fight to the top while Matt’s nose is GUSHING blood from something, and Orange sends him down and follows with a Hands in Pockets Senton, but can’t get a Twist of Fate. Matt goes up with a yodelling elbowdrop for two. Twist of Fate is reversed by Orange into his own for two. Orange Punch misses, but he reverses Matt into a rollup for the pin at 10:15. This was all very wacky but a fun opener. **3/4
Meanwhile, Malakai Black offers Brock Anderson a chance to take an honorable countout loss so he can survive the show, and maybe offer an apology for wasting Black’s time.
Chris Jericho joins us, and everyone has been celebrating this week! Except for him. So he lost to MJF for the third time, but he keeps returning to the ring to take another beating because that’s what he is. So he wants ONE MORE MATCH at All Out, and if he can’t win this one, he’s going to retire and become a full time commentator and never wrestle in AEW again. This of course brings out MJF, and the cash cow is empty and his udders are sore. He tapped out Chris faster than someone listening to a Fozzy CD! Sick burn. But he would enjoy ending Jericho’s career, so the match is on. Well that’s the logical end to the feud!
Meanwhile, The Varsity Blonds are family, even without being related by blood.
The Lucha Bros v. The Varsity Blonds
Winners get the Jurassic Express on Rampage in the tournament finals. And as usual, the Bucks and their stooges come out to watch. Griff and Fenix trade rolls and Rey tries a springboard wristlock, but Griff blocks that and they’re at a stalemate. Pillman comes in against Penta and they slug it out while JR reminisces about Pillman v. Liger from 1993. 1992, but I can hardly blame him. Pillman takes him down with a rana, but Penta throws chops and we take a break. Back with Fenix hitting Pillman with a springboard dropkick and a rolling cutter gets two. Griff and Penta slug it out on the apron, but Pillman dropkicks Penta to the floor, and then Fenix breaks up a dive attempt. Penta stacks up the Blonds on the ramp and Fenix hits them with a double dive, but back in the ring Pillman blocks a rana with a powerbomb for two. Griff comes in with a flying elbow for two, but Penta superkicks him and then the Luchas have a superkick siesta on Pillman and finish with a double piledriver at 8:30. Yeah that would do it all right. Good but not crazy great or anything, with the Blonds looking kind of green and nervous. *** The Jurassics come out of the crowd and have a staredown with the Luchas, but the Bucks decide to cause trouble and all the babyfaces team up and get rid of them.
Meanwhile, Andrade and his crew are ready for Pac at All Out.
Jamie Hayter v. Red Velvet
Velvet attacks to start and gets a dropkick, but Hayter absorbs it and slams her. Hayter puts the boots to her in the corner. We’re gonna talk about Hayter’s shorts, right? Because I certainly feel like they warrant a mention. Hayter misses a charge and lands on the floor, but Velvet hits her with a pair of dives as we take a break. Kudos to the guy in the front row with the “Save Wrestling, Get Vaxxed” sign. Before the show we had a guy for the PPC collecting signatures to get on the ballot. I think I should have let my dog attack him. Imagine if MAGA anti-vax nutjobs split off from the Republicans and formed their own party, and somehow got even stupider. Back from the break and Velvet misses a moonsault, although I couldn’t tell if it was on purpose or not because she flopped like a fish, and Hayter hits her with a clumsy lariat to finish at 7:00. Oh this was bad, yes it was. The crowd was, shall we say, exceedingly forgiving of them. ½* Oh and Kris Statlander was there as well but Hayter still wins the Best Buns award tonight.
Meanwhile, the Dark Order appears ready to turn on Evil Uno, and it seems like the group might be in need of a new leader. Is there anyone available with cult-leading experience, I wonder? Besides CM Punk. Plus it would probably be awkward with Colt Cabana and all.
CM Punk debuts on Dynamite for an interview with Tony. The crowd is too loud for Punk to hear Tony’s question and he actually has to ask them to quiet down a little. What’s the one thing that brought him back to wrestling? Basically he’s back to help Darby Allin get over, because Darby’s got heart. And then the crowd starts doing “Yes” and he quips “That’s somebody else’s schtick and you’ll have to be a little more patient” before saying hi to his wife April at home. You definitely can’t say they aren’t hitting the PPV hype train hard now. I think it’s actually going to break their buyrate record again.
By the way, if you’re planning on ordering the show, why not help out the blog and send a few bucks my way by using my link on Fite.TV? https://www.anrdoezrs.net/click-9028762-13868768?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.fite.tv%2Fwatch%2Fall-out-2021%2F2p9qm%2F
Meanwhile, Miro forgives Fuego del Sol, but he’s going to destroy Eddie Kingston next and is pretty sure God will forgive him and his hot wife will still love him. Huge if true.
Jon Moxley, Eddie Kingston & Darby Allin v. Cezar Bononi, JD Drake & Ryan Nemeth
Drake is now doing Big Bubba’s deal with a suit in the ring, and Allin chases him out of the ring and it’s over to Nemeth. Eddie quickly chops him down and Bononi comes in for more of the same, and Moxley clears the ring as we take a break. Back with Moxley hitting Bononi with a Saito suplex, and Kingston goes to work on Drake and hits a uranage. Drake takes him down and tries to go up, but Darby comes in and hits him with a Code Red off the middle rope. Avalon trips him up and Sting goes to take care of that problem. And then Nemeth decides to bring a chair into the ring in frustration and he gets beat up by Eddie and Moxley, and Allin hits Drake with a stunner and finishes with the Coffin Drop at 6:39. This was a hot mess and not in the fun way like with 2.0 lately. * And speaking of which, Daniel Garcia runs in and lays out Allin from behind and then runs away again.
Meanwhile, Tay Conti’s promo is interrupted by the Bunny, who offers a contract with the Hardy Family to get her out of the Dark Order. That goes badly and triggers a brawl between them.
Meanwhile, FTR is ready to wrap it up and work through it and get their revenge on Santana and Ortiz.
Kenny Omega and his crew join Tony in the ring and Christian quickly interrupts, showing video of Don Callis having Christian fired from the IWA in Winnipeg in 1996. That’s quite the deep cut. They even retcon the story so that Don was favoring a 10 year old Kenny Omega. Don claims that by favoring his family, he’s just doing what Bill Watts, Vince McMahon and Verne Gagne would have done. “Whoa, I just fell asleep standing up there, I didn’t retain any of that.” OK that was funny. Don: “HOLD MY SCARF!” And then he tells Christian that Kenny is gonna make him what he’s been for his whole career: SECOND BEST. And then Kazarian hits the ring and chases off the Elite. They’re doing a hell of a job making Christian look legit, you have to give them that.
Meanwhile, Jon Moxley was offered Satoshi Kojima at All Out, but then he got offended that a crazy old man would want to go out there and be murdered by him on PPV. Well that’s way off the script. I was hoping for Suzuki myself.
The Gunn Clubb v. Aaron Solow, Nick Comoroto & QT Marshall
Wow, another shitty trios match, that’s a great way to pep up this show. Comoroto overpowers Billy, but Solow comes in and gets overwhelmed by Gunns before QT gets a cheapshot on John Boy Gunn to take over while we take a break. Back with another Gunn running wild and there’s like another 18 of them on the floor, but QT hits him with a neckbreaker and then gets distracted by Paul Wight, allowing a rollup for the pin at 6:00. Were there not enough spots on Dark or Dark Elevation or Duff Dark for this? *
Meanwhile, Dan Lambert (and new team of Scorpio Sky and Ethan Page) rages against lazy woke millennials watching TikTok and crying at wrestling shows “because their favorite wrestler showed up for work”. He’s got a point about TikTok, it’s fucking stupid.
Brock Anderson v. Malakai Black
Brock tries to attack to start and that goes badly for him, as Black puts the beats on him until Arn is ready to throw in the towel already. Brock waves him off, so Arn throws down the towel and Black tells him to pick it up and throw it in or else the beating will get worse. So he hits Brock with an exploder and levels him with Black Mass, which draws a STANDING OVATION from the crowd, and that finishes at 2:24. Black grabs a chair to finish the job, so AA steps in and offers up a fight and actually manages to block Black Mass before Black goes low and then hits it on the second try, leaving the Andersons laying for some heavy heat. And then Lee Johnson comes out and he’s got his own entrance music and everything and Black decides to leave rather than facing him for some reason. Definitely an underwhelming main event to cap off a pretty underwhelming episode. DUD
Regardless, they did a great job of building towards the PPV, but this episode felt like one that you could skip and not miss anything of note.