The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.18.93
Well, unfortunately every day can’t be the day after Dynamite, so it’s back to stinky old WWF Superstars again. Which reminds me, if Hangman Page is Lex Luger now, does that make Kenny Omega into Yokozuna in this scenario? And who is the Bret Hart? Sounds like you guys have some homework!
LAST WEEK: Owen Hart has been living in the shadow of Bret Hart, and he wants Bret in a one-on-one fight to prove that he’s not just Bret’s brother.
Taped from Utica, NY.
YOU KNOW I HAVE TO DO IT.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane, and Vince notes that Bret and Owen are both in the Royal Rumble match, but Lex Luger has thus far been unable to get entered into the match.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. PJ Walker
Bigelow slugs Walker to the floor, but PJ comes in with a missile dropkick that’s just…tremendous! More dropkicks, but he walks into a beatdown from Bam Bam and we get an inset promo from Bammer as he shares his wishes for Christmas: Doink’s head on a platter and a fire to relax beside. Sounds reasonable to me. Bam Bam goes to a chinlock while Vince discusses Luger’s lack of a Rumble entry due to those damn LAWYERS enforcing those damn CONTRACTS. Lex should just do like Vince and only pay attention to contracts when they’re in his favor. Walker gets a small package for two, but Bigelow powerslams him for the pin at 2:28. This squash was just…decent. 1 for 1.
Meanwhile, Bret Hart is all mopey, even in his ICOPRO shirt. Who could be grumpy in an ICOPRO shirt? You get so many great nutrients and minerals and stuff from it! I mean I assume that’s what was in it. Maybe it cures COVID too. Bret wants to stress that he’s proud of everything he’s accomplished in the WWF, but more importantly WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH VINCE’S PLAID JACKET? Vince notes that Owen might be feeling a bit jealous of Bret because of his accolades like WWF champion, Intercontinental champion, and most importantly SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR. Bret, meanwhile, would like to think that he’s never been selfish in or out of the ring.
Regardless, he will never, ever, ever, fight his brother in the WWF. Ever.
1-2-3 Kid v. Duane Gill
Gill works a hammerlock while Vince is starting to suspect that the attack on Kid and Razor last week was a SETUP by Shawn Michaels. Really putting the pieces together there, Sherlock. Gill goes to the headlock, but walks into a leg lariat from Kid for two and he follows with the Lightning legdrop for two. And he goes up and finishes with the moonsault press at 2:00, nearly overshooting him in the process. 1 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
We are of course all getting excited to see the Royal Rumble in January, and did you know that Undertaker will be facing Yokozuna in a casket match in the main event? Because it’s totally happening. So we talk to Paul Bearer, who looks like he wants to sell us a pillow and tell us about his election conspiracy theories.
Jeff Jarrett v. Chris Duffy
Jarrett gets a dropkick and puts him down with a back elbow, but Duffy fights back with a hiptoss before missing an elbow. So Jarrett hits him with a DDT to finish at 1:50. This was a pretty lame debut and we’d have another year of boredom ahead before he finally sort of got over with the Roadie. 1 for 3.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE 1994 WWF CALENDAR!
Yup I had that one. Let us take you back to RAW, as Razor Ramon saves the Kid from a beating by Shawn Michaels, but gets sucker punched by Diesel before taking his own Razor’s Edge on the concrete. But then another TWIST in the story, as Razor had thrown down his gold, chico, and IRS managed to steal it off-screen and is now somehow the #1 contender to the Intercontinental title. And you thought AEW’s ranking system was weird.
Crush v. Ross Greenberg
It’s getting sad that I can recognize Greenberg by his striped tights. Greenberg gets some shine and slugs away in the corner to start, but he goes up for a bodypress and Crush catches him for a backbreaker. Another backbreaker follows and he hits Greenberg with kicks, suddenly a student of Cobra Kai now that he’s a heel, and a legdrop finishes at 2:40. 1 for 4.
Meanwhile, the historic debut of THURMAN PLUGG (but his friends call him Sparky). Yes, it’s the most labored stretch for an acronym in WWF history, which is saying something coming from the company that brought you IRS, because he’s “Sparky” Thurman Plugg, or “STP”. GET IT? LIKE THE OIL. Oh man this is gonna be a long few months.
ROYAL RUMBLE REPORT! WITH TODD PETTINGILL!
Tickets are going quicker than “free facials in a women’s prison”, according to Todd. That’s an oddly specific metaphor. Undertaker is off running a lathe over his double wide, double deep casket, and get ready to hear that phrase a lot in the coming weeks.
Meanwhile, Razor Ramon lets us know that he would never pollute his lungs with tobacco smoke. Man, they’re just making these punchlines too easy for me now.
The Steiner Brothers v. The Brooklyn Brawler & Tony Devito
Scott works on Brawler’s arm, but Lombardi goes to the ropes to escape while Vince pimps an upcoming opinion poll on whether he should be allowed into the Royal Rumble. Also Vince proves that math is hard by noting that “the odds that any one person would win the Royal Rumble are astronomical”. But what about TWO people winning? Scott hits the butterfly bomb and they finish Devito with the elevated bulldog at 2:50. The Steiners are so checked out that they can’t even be bothered to take advantage of the jobbers anymore. 1 for 5.
Next week: Maybe some stuff on this show but MORE IMPORTANTLY Tatanka faces Ludvig Borga on RAW and we’ll have highlights. I love how they’re literally telling you that the show you’re watching is second-rate at this point. Just in case there was any lingering doubt.