The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.11.93
Taped from Delhi, NY
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane
The Quebecers v. Chaz Ware & Paul Jones
Johnny Polo appears to be reading a copy of Why Be Moral on the way to the ring in some sort of weird meta gag. Knowing him I’m sure there’s some rib involved there. The jobbers attack before the bell and STEAL THE BELTS, those jerks. May LIGHTNING STRIKE ME DOWN if there ever comes a day when Chaz Ware is WWF tag team champion! He’ll never touch that thing again. Maybe he should try teaming with Glen Ruth instead, he’d probably have better luck. And the actual champions quickly double-team this poor geek and hit the Cannonball senton to finish him at 1:42. And then Paul Jones, who is no relation to Odyssey Jones as far as I know, gets beat up and humiliated as well and then posed with the belts as payback for their disrespect. Hey, the Quebecers had a point there. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
In a historic update, Gorilla announces that he’s finally had enough of Bobby Heenan, and we cut back to Monday Night RAW as Gorilla sends him packing to WCW and Bobby goes out begging for his job and falling on his face like a true coward.
Moving on, Gorilla announces that Yokozuna will be defending against Undertaker in a CASKET MATCH at the Royal Rumble. And much like Lex Luger, Undertaker only gets one shot at the title. Oddly, that end of the stipulations was never followed up on.
Bastion Booger v. Tony Webb
Congratulations to WWE on retaining the music rights to “I’m The Booger Man”. Webb pulls what appears to be a package of Kleenex out of his tights and offers them to Booger, but Bastion tosses him and splashes him into the ringpost. Also, Vince loves saying “girth”. Back in, Booger with a powerslam and the buttdrop to finish at 1:35. And Vince says “girth” again in case we missed all the girth the first time. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE, with Jim Ross
This week’s guest is Double J, who still hasn’t debuted but he’s complaining about music industry conspiracies.
IRS v. Mike Moraldo
IRS actually gets kind of a funny line in his pre-match promo, noting that “Just because you live in Delhi and you’re isolated from civilization, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to pay taxes!” Irwin hits Moraldo with a snap suplex as Vince reminisces about young pre-teen Irwin R. Schyster on the playground getting mocked by his peers for being named “Irwin”. I feel like “Schyster” might be the bigger target for mockery, honestly. Write off clothesline finishes at 1:30. 0 for 3.
Meanwhile, Bret Hart warns us not to drink and drive this holiday season. Man, you know who SHOULD have been listening to that advice? JIMMY USO.
THERE YOU GO, I gave you the Uso punchline this time.
Tatanka v. The Brooklyn Brawler
Stan notes that Tatanka has “thrown away all of his peace pipes” in preparation for Ludvig Borga. Why, are the authorities going to produce a warrant to search his house for the peace pipes? What was IN those things? Brawler decides to try some chops, but you never chop a Native American! That’s like headbutting a samoan. TRUST THE SCIENCE. So Tatanka fires back with his own chops and puts Lombardi down with a back elbow, but Brawler comes back with a neckbreaker and beats on him in the corner. Tatanka, having thrown out the peace pipes as previously established, gets all angry and comes back with various chops, and then finishes with the Papoose to Go at 2:34. I dunno, this was mostly a match, I guess. 1 for 4.
Earlier This Week, Vince McMahon sits down with Owen Hart for an interview, and he’s pretty sure there’s some friction between Owen and Bret. Unsurprisingly, Owen blames everything that happened at Survivor Series on Bret’s mishandling of the situation. Also, Bret is TOO SELFISH. Man, with all those family problems, I don’t think Bret could possibly have a worse Survivor Series. Vince suggests that Owen has been living in Bret’s shadow, so Owen challenges Bret to a FIGHT so he can prove that he’s his own man.
The Smoking Gunns v. Corey Student & Joe Brennon
Billy takes Student down with some armdrags as Stan announces the thrilling finale of the WWF Women’s title tournament THIS MONDAY. We don’t know who’s in it or any tournament matches, but I’m sure it’ll be thrilling. Over to Brennan and Bart gets a sideslam on him, and the Gunns team up with a double legsweep where they look like a pair of awkward teenagers trying to dance in a high school gym for the first time. Bart puts Breenan in an over the shoulder backbreaker and Billy comes off the top with a forearm for the pin at 2:45, which is a lame finisher but at least holds less chance of breaking the guy’s neck like their backdrop-piledriver dumpster fire finisher. 1 for 5.
Meanwhile, we get a montage of promos from this guy Geoff Gerald and I still can’t figure out how the hell to spell his damn name. They should have an on-screen graphic or some other mnemonic device for people like me.
Last Week, on RAW, Shawn Michaels is beating on the Kid with a Razor’s Edge, but Razor Ramon saves his little buddy and chases Shawn to the locker room, where Diesel punches out Razor and allows Shawn to deliver a Razor’s Edge on Ramon on concrete! Those four guys have pretty good chemistry together, but I feel like the act would click better with a fifth guy.
Rick Martel v. JS Storm
Martel gets a hiptoss and stops for some jumping jacks, but misses a charge and hits the post. Storm goes to work on the arm while Vince speculates that this guy, who looks like they found him in a homeless shelter and offered him a bowl of soup and new cardboard box in exchange for doing a job, might upset Martel because ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN in the WWF. Martel unsurprisingly finishes him off with a backbreaker and Boston crab at 2:20 as Vince notes that he pretty much always wins that way, which somewhat contradicts his stance of ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN in the WWF. 1 for 6.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
Have you heard the good news about this Royal Rumble show? It’s got a main event now. We talk to Jim Cornette about it.
Next week! The Steiner Brothers! Crush! Bret Hart does an interview! And the debut of good ol’ Double J!
And then we finish with a highlight reel of the “action” this week, just to rub it in a bit more.
Only getting worse from here, folks. Buckle in.