The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.04.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 12.04.93

Taped from Delhi, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Stan Lane, and they’re in the CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, HO HO HO, says Vince in a voice like if you programmed an artificial intelligence construct who had never experienced Christmas before and told it to simulate jolliness and good will towards men. Terrifying.

Ludvig Borga v. John Paul

Borga doesn’t even let the poor jobber get introduced, flattening him into suomalainen sienisalaatti in the corner and then hitting him with a delayed suplex. All the blood rushes to the poor guy’s head like it’s a big steaming bowl of kalakeitto! Borga charges and misses, allowing Paul to fight back with a dropkick and a clothesline, but he goes to the top like a moron and gets caught on a bodypress attempt. And then Borga puts him down with kidney punches and finnishes with the torture rack at 2:12. And did ANYONE ever point out the irony there given his feud with Lex Luger? HIGHLY UNLIKELY. I’ve seen worse squashes. 1 for 1.

UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!

Gorilla of course has opinions on what went wrong in the Bret-Owen situation at Survivor Series, and LET US TAKE YOU BACK to the PPV, as Owen accidentally knocks Bret off the apron and gets pinned by Shawn Michaels. Honestly Owen was probably distracted by Bret’s ridiculous gear in the match. So we hear from Owen, who is pretty tired of carrying the load in the family and never getting recognition. WHAT ABOUT OWEN? Obviously Bret doesn’t care about him. Bret responds that they need to talk, but who’s the one asking for peace via a REMOTE INTERVIEW SEGMENT? Is your PHONE broken, Hitman? Maybe you should have had this talk with Owen before going into the PPV match, and maybe Owen and the other family members could have talked you into leaving the ridiculous pink gear at home. Jerk.

Bob Backlund v. Iron Mike Sharpe

Oh goodie, Bob Backlund. Meanwhile, Vince compares the Hart Brothers to the Smothers Brothers to show how “hip” and “with it” he truly is. Kids love the Smothers Brothers and the whole yo-yo gag! Backlund takes Sharpe down and Mike wants a test of strength while Vince notes that Sharpe likes to talk in the ring and converse with his opponents. So THAT’S where Roman got it from. Backlund reverses the knucklelock into a reverse cradle and that gets the pin at 1:39. Nothing to this one. 1 for 2.

Meanwhile, at the Survivor Series, Undertaker and Yokozuna are both counted out.

The Headshrinkers v. Greg Hatfield & Todd Mata

The Shrinkers give Mata a double flapjack and Samu hits a gut wrench, and it’s over to Hatfield. Stan of course makes the easy joke about the McCoys. Come on, that’s like, me-level. DO BETTER THAN ME. Meanwhile Vince notes that you have to wonder if he’s related to “Dr. Squat” Fred Hatfield. No, Vince, no other person on the face of the earth would likely wonder that unless they’re on the ICOPRO board of directors. Flying samoan splash finishes at 2:10. 1 for 3. The replay is the perfect angle to show that Fatu makes zero contact on the move and all the “impact” is from his hands hitting the mat.

FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!

This week’s verbal combatents are Razor Ramon and Diesel, and they talk about Shawn Michaels and who the real Intercontinental champion is.

1-2-3 Kid v. Glen Ruth

They continue on with the “little kid as ring announcer” gimmick this week, and he actually gets to announce both the Kid and the jobber. I wonder if he was still a fan years later and realized that he got to share a ring with X-Pac and Headbanger Thrasher? Probably not, he didn’t seem very smart. Ruth dropkicks the Kid into the corner, but Kid gets his own corner dropkick and goes up with a flying bodypress to finish at 2:05. This was fine and fast-paced. 2 for 4.

Meanwhile, Double J continues wandering the streets of Nashville and bitching about the country music scene. Not sure which Memphis crony is playing his underling this week.

Diesel v. Frank Kanyak

The jobber’s name sounds like someone trying to come up with a palindrome and giving up halfway through. Diesel boots him down and drops an elbow, then follows with a gut wrench and side slam for the pin at 1:10. Fitting from the only man lazier than Dino Bravo. 2 for 5.

Meanwhile, if you drink and drive, sooner or later you’re going to meet the Undertaker! SWEET. Can I get an autograph, too? I mean, I know that live events were doing shitty at that point, but encouraging people to engage in drunk driving in exchange for tickets to meet-and-greet sessions seems like a weird flex.

And yeah, I know I could have gone for the Jimmy Uso joke. I don’t come down to the street corner where your mom works and tell HER how to do her job, don’t tell me how to do mine.

Men on a Mission v. Steve Smith & Gus Kantarakis

Smith attacks in the corner and gets thrown around by Mabel, but Mo comes in and the jobbers double-team him, only to get double-clotheslined by Mo. Mabel drops the leg on his neck, pretty much landing with his entire hip on the poor bastard’s head, and the assisted splash finishes at 2:03. 2 for 6.

Coming January 22: THE ROYAL RUMBLE! Only one man can win! Or, you know…

Reo’s Roundup with special guest Shawn Michaels. WHY DID THEY BRING THIS DOOFUS BACK AGAIN? Also, I don’t care for Reo Rodgers either. Shawn has his own Intercontinental title, but he follows no rules and doesn’t care what anyone says about “contractual obligations”. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. So he accuses Razor Ramon of going down to the local belt store and having his own cheap copy of the real belt made, and naturally Razor comes out to dispute these allegations of fraud. And Shawn is blowing bubbles at him, so Razor pokes it with a toothpick and quips “Yo, sorry to BURST your BUBBLE”.

Marty Jannetty v. Reno Riggins

BREAKING NEWS: The Women’s title tournament has begun in Memphis and will apparently run for THREE WEEKS until a champion is crowned. Just to clarify, there were only three people in the tournament so it must have been quadruple elimination or something. Reno gets some forearms on Marty, but he comes back with a Rocker Dropper and goes up to finish with the flying fist at 1:30.

FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!

Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji discuss the return of Tatanka next week, as Cornette points out that all Native Americans just sit around on the reservation drinking.

Next week: The Quebecers! Bastion Booger! IRS! The Smoking Gunns! And TATANKA returns!

Well this was a bit better than the rock bottom of the last couple of weeks, I suppose.