The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night – 07.11.92

The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night – 07.11.92

Well since I did Bash 92 I might as well carry on with these.

Taped from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Jim Ross & COWBOY BILL WATTS.  What am I watching, 1985 Mid South?

BREAKING NEWS:  Last week in the Omni, the only arena that matters, Brad Armstrong won the Light heavyweight title from Scotty Flamingo and Doc & Gordy won the tag team titles from the Steiners.  Oh and there’s a PPV tomorrow night.

Barry Windham & Dustin Rhodes v. Tracy Smothers & Richard Morton

This should be a hell of a match but I feel like Ricky Morton needs to examine his life choices if he’s put in the position of putting over the hot young babyface team.  Time to call Robert Gibson back.  Dustin trades armbars with Smothers and takes him down with a waistlock, but Smothers counters to a rollup.  Barry and Dustin double-team Tracy in the corner and work on his arm.  Over to Ricky, but Barry continues working his arm too and Dustin comes in with a press slam for two.  At this point Bill explains the top rope rule because it’s misunderstood:  The only thing that’s a DQ is if you jump off the top rope onto a prone opponent.  Superplexes and whatnot are still perfectly legal.  Also he points out that many people are angry about the new rules, but too fucking bad, commies.  Dustin finishes Ricky with a bulldog at 4:11 as this was horribly disappointing and did nothing to make Rhodes & Windham look like a serious threat.  0 for 1.

Johnny B. Badd v. George South

Badd takes South down and works the arm before switching to a headlock, but South whips him into the corner and slugs away there.  He actually gets some real heat from the kids in the audience while yelling at them and beating on Johnny to build up sympathy for the babyface, and then Johnny bursts out and knocks him out for the pin at 3:00 and the heel jobbers gets what’s coming to him.  A simple and effective squash.  1 for 2.

Meanwhile, in the darkened and nearly empty Omni, Brad Armstrong wins the Light heavyweight title from Scotty Flamingo and then manages to kill off the belt by September when the company literally forgot about the belt and abandoned it.  Also, Doc and Gordy beat the Steiners AGAIN and win the WCW tag team titles this time, building up to retribution that never came.  Oh and Scott gets pinned with a CLOTHESLINE.  At least it was clean.

Beautiful Bobby v. Michael Hayes

Hayes works a headlock on Eaton and stops to strut, so Bobby nails him from behind and beats on him in the corner.  Eaton takes him down with his own headlock, but Hayes slugs out of that and whips Bobby around the ring.  He tries the DDT in the corner for some reason, so Bobby grabs the ropes to easily block it and then takes Hayes down with the single arm DDT and goes to a hammerlock on the mat.  Hayes slugs out and drops elbows on Eaton, but Bobby blocks another DDT attempt and gets a neckbreaker for the pin at 6:00.  Michael Hayes was looking old, slow, and physically wrecked by this point and it’s no wonder he transitioned to managing by the end of the year.  1 for 3.

The Barbarian v. Randy Stallings

Barbarian smashes Stallings with a corner clothesline and drops an elbow on him, then chokes him out on the mat and beats on him with headbutts to the shoulder.  Jim Ross points out that Barbarian and Dick Slater are challenging the Freebirds for the US tag team titles on the Main Event tomorrow, which makes perfect sense since he had never teamed with Slater on TV before, and Hayes was working singles in the last match and they never even mentioned that he was tag team champion or that the match was happening, and this is a singles match.  So the dominoes are falling into place.  Super hyped to see that match now, and my only disappointment is that it’s not taking place in the Omni!  Barbarian wins with the big boot in 2:18.  1 for 4.

Greg Valentine joins us and JR is disgusted with Greg’s remarks about the Rhodeseses.  So Greg doubles down, calling Dustin and Dusty PUNKS, and also Dusty is a HAS BEEN.  That just makes you a midcarder in WCW.  So I decided to check and see if this actually led anywhere, in fact they DID have a series of house show matches where Valentine puts over Dustin all summer, so fair play there.

Dick Slater & Greg Valentine v. Brian Pillman & Big Josh

Yes, it’s the Dirty Dick Hammers against the Clown Cannons!  They should totally hire me to come up with team names.  Pillman works a headlock on Greg.  In case you’re confused about the two old white guys on the heel side, Greg Valentine is the one who has “THE HAMMER” written in large block letters on his ass.  Slater comes in and trades headlocks with Josh.  At least I think it’s Slater.  No, wait, I examined his ass and there’s no evidence of THE HAMMER there so it’s definitely Slater.  Josh gets double-teamed in the heel corner and now I’m all confused by the abundance of flabby old blond white guys and Valentine works an armbar, but Josh boots out of it and makes the hot tag to Pillman.  He runs wild with dropkicks but misses a bodypress like a complete geek, while Bill Watts points out that all that high-flying shit never pays off because you miss and get pinned.  And people wonder why Pillman never got a fair chance until years later.  Slater slugs him down and Greg comes in with a butterfly suplex for two.  Slater with a backdrop suplex for two.  Watts talks about why they don’t have two officials in tag team matches and it’s about fairness and stuff, but the REAL answer is that it would double the cost of referee salary.  Pillman tries to fight back and Slater elbows him down again and follows with a legsweep for two.  Pillman backdrops out of a piledriver and tries for the tag, but Valentine cuts him off as we’re supposed to buy that GREG VALENTINE can win a footrace with Brian Pillman.  Also Bill Watts goes on this whole rant about how instant replay in the NFL is bullshit and everyone should make their own breaks.  Goddamn VCRs, ruining America’s sports!  He probably thinks helmets are making the players too soft, too.  Finally Pillman fights back with a double clothesline and makes the hot tag to Matt the lumberjack clown, but the ref is distracted and Hammer drops an elbow on him and pins him at 11:28.  Matt Borne was 100% right to get the fuck out of WCW at that point, although it’s weird because you’d think Bill Watts would have loved him but instead Bill jobbed him out for months straight.  I imagine the conversation with the WWF started “We want you to play a creepy clown character” and he signed the contract before Vince could even finish the sentence.  Anyway, this was LONG.  1 for 5.  Also, again Brian Pillman is in a featured role in the supposedly super-important NWA tag team tournament on PPV THE NEXT FUCKING NIGHT and they don’t even mention it or who he’s teaming with, and of course his team does the job to another team that aren’t even in the tournament.

Ricky Steamboat & Nikita Koloff v. Boomer Lynch & John Peterson

Hour #2 and JR finally says “Don’t forget the Great American Bash PPV!”  Don’t forget?  YOU’VE LITERALLY NEVER MENTIONED IT THIS ENTIRE SHOW!  Koloff and Steamboat double-team Peterson while Watts straight up says that Doc & Gordy are probably winning the tag tournament.  Steamboat chops Peterson down and slams him and BOOMER LYNCH comes in to brawl with Nikita while they randomly cut to a shot of a bunch of kids in the audience.  Was that like a “See, I have black friends!” type of deal where they want to prove that not just white people are watching or something? The babyfaces trade armbars on Peterson.  Over to BOOMER LYNCH, who has a better wrestling name than 85% of the geeks in NXT, maybe even 86%, but Ricky chops away and Nikita suplexes him.  And Steamboat just chops him for the pin at 5:36.  Boomer Lynch could have been the big star that Bill Watts was looking for and they just wasted him.  Sadly this was his only WCW match and I can only assume he retired in shame immediately afterwards, taking his name with him.  1 for 6.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff and Jesse Ventura discuss the Sting-Vader title match on PPV, and we get some video highlights of Vader squashing geeks and fools.

Harley Race joins Jim Ross and stresses that Vader will be World champion in less than 24 hours.

Ron Simmons v. Mean Mark Cantebury

Yes, it’s Faarooq v. Henry Godwinn in 1992.  Simmons puts Cantebury down with a dropkick and beats him down before dropping a leg on him.  More clubbing forearms and the powerslam finishes at 3:00.  1 for 7.

Sting v. Diamond Dallas Page

This is non-title and with 5 minutes left in the show I doubt it’ll be terribly thrilling.  Sting takes DDP down with armdrags, but misses the Stinger Splash and Page bails to the floor.  Back in, Sting works the arm again as Watts puts over the recently deceased Buddy Rogers.  This is ironic because Buddy represented the onset of all the “cartoon” wrestling stuff that Watts was ranting about at the beginning of the show.  Page slugs away on Sting, but Sting powers him into the corner and finishes him with the Stinger splash and deathlock at 3:25.  This was fine.  2 for 8.

A boring, mostly non-sensical, show that did an exceptionally shit job of building up one of the least-bought PPVs in the history of wrestling.