The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.20.93
Well now I’m really getting behind on this show, as the Network added up to May 1994 today. Well, better get cracking again, because although the show has been dull lately, at least there’s nothing so outright offensive that it will make my head explode with annoyance like in the movie Scanners.
Previously on RAW, Lex Luger knocks out Pierre with his illegal steel forearm and knocks him out of the Survivor Series.
Taped from Burlington, VT. The new taping was November 10 so we’re getting WAY behind with old stuff now, but they probably can’t make any major changes to the format of the show in the last week of a month-old taping cycle anyway, right? So I’ll just hit “Watch Now” on the show and see who the announcers are, which I’m sure won’t bother me in any way.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon and…oh, apparently Jerry Lawler is on hiatus due for legal reasons, so I guess they need a new co-host and….oh no…OH MY GOD NO.
MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!
Actually, forget my eyes, SAVE MY EARS from Bruce Prichard doing a horrendous Dusty Rhodes riff for 43 minutes straight. IF YOU WILLLLLL.
The Smoking Gunns v. Phil Apollo & Mike Bell
Vince claims that the Gunns are “real” cowboys and not “ascot-wearing backwards baseball cap” cowboys, which is such a specifically pissy reference that it’s gotta be about someone. Can anyone decode Vince’s attempts at snark for me here? Also we’re literally less than 2 minutes into this show and I already want to punch “Reo” in the face repeatedly. WE GET THE “JOKE” ALREADY. For those who thought Oklahoma was a needless broadside at the other guys’ talent, it’s got nothing on Brother Bruce here. The Gunns double-team Bell while Reo talks about “punching doggies” and the Gunns work on the arm of Bell and Bart gets a monkey flip, followed by a powerslam from Billy. And then they do their half-assed backdrop into a piledriver, with Bart nearly losing the poor bastard and dropping him on his neck, and that finishes at 3:00. Look, I know Vince had a giant stick up his ass about Dusty Rhodes and WCW and Battlebowl and all that shit, but Prichard doing his Dusty imitation and saying “If you WEEEEEEEEEL” over and over is NOT FUNNY. YES THAT’S HOW DUSTY TALKS, WE GET IT. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
Meanwhile on RAW again, Randy Savage throws Vince McMahon down and goes after Crush, which earns him a suspension from broadcasting. No wonder Vince was harboring a grudge for years afterwards. Never mind the Stephanie rumors, we’ve got PROOF on video tape right here of the origins of Vince’s hatred of the Macho Man! And then in a shocking swerve, with Pierre out of the Survivor Series, the Foreign Fanatics add CRUSH to their team, even though he’s American. But apparently not Hawaiian anymore because his accent is now gone since he’s a heel. It’s just science. Speaking of which, the All-Americans inform us that “red white and blue fever” is running through the arenas around the country. Hopefully people get vaccinated for that.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Scott Taylor
Bigelow tosses Scotty while Reo drools over Luna Vachon and Vince disgustedly tells him to shut it. Vince and Bruce might be good friends in real life but they have ZERO chemistry together as Vince is doing his usual spiel and Reo is doing his weird Dusty imitation and just rambling about what the fuck ever. Bigelow goes up and Taylor manages to bring him down for a small package that gets two, but Bigelow flattens him with an enzuigiri for the pin at 1:20. Once again, Vince warns us not to fall for cheap imitations on PPV, and then Reo pipes in that he knows all about cheap imitations. And then for a possible further layer of irony, the four Doinks appear on the video wall and I don’t even know if they would actually be played by Matt Borne at that point or if they were just using Steve Keirn or what. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
Thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that they got rid of Joe Fowler at the very least. The Face to Face concept is still stupid but at least JR isn’t yelling at me about everything. Anyway, we get the thrilling team of IRS and Diesel here, just in case anyone was on the fence about ordering the PPV and needed Kevin Nash to give them the hard sell.
Meanwhile, Jim Cornette plays video games with the new fangled wireless controller. Cornette probably goes on rants about how Uno and Monopoly are too high-tech for him.
Owen Hart v. Iron Mike Sharpe
Sharpe overpowers Owen and celebrates too soon, so Owen dropkicks him out of the ring and back in for a rollup that gets two. Leg lariat follows, but Sharpe pounds him down, so Owen backdrops him and gets a missile dropkick to finish at 1:50. Two Canadian boys is good for a point. 1 for 3. Oh also by the way Shawn Michaels is taking Jerry Lawler’s place at Survivor Series no followup questions please k thx.
Meanwhile, Geoff Jared is trying to audition guitar pickers in the studio (complete with the stealth debut of Jacqueline as his assistant Wynonna) and he’s so disgusted by the low quality of the playing that he’s just gonna lay down all the instrument tracks himself. That’s probably why Dave Grohl ended up doing that in the studio.
Meanwhile, Todd Pettengill teaches us how easy it is to order PPV! You just call your local cable company and order it! Obviously Todd never had to order PPV in Canada in 1993, because let me tell you something, it was NOT that easy by a longshot. Unless you had a black box, which I obviously know nothing about.
Well Dunn v. Dennis Diamond & PJ Walker
Well Dunn does their dime store double-teaming on Walker while Vince again warns us not to “fall for cheap imitations on PPV”. Why is he so triggered by Battlebowl? Maybe just concentrate on making your own stupid PPV better. This fucker makes me want to redo Battlebowl out of spite and I HATE that show. A double-team clothesline finishes Walker at 1:30. 1 for 4.
SURVIVOR SERIES UPDATE! WITH TODD PETTENGILL!
Pierre is OUT! Crush IS IN! Also they continue advertising Mr. Perfect for this show despite him quitting the promotion nearly a month beforehand. Not to oversell it, but Todd declares that this show will be “the greatest night of family entertainment in the history of sports entertainment”. Narrator: It wasn’t.
IRS v. Bret Hart
Yes, it’s the main event in any armory or high school gym in the country! Bret quickly takes IRS down and gets a chinlock and then works the arm until Irwin makes the ropes and bails. And again Vince warns us not to fall for cheap imitations. THAT’S IT, FUCK YOU VINCE, I’M REVIEWING BATTLEBOWL THIS WEEKEND. And I’m gonna pretend it’s Survivor Series. Irwin goes to his own chinlock and then works on the leg for a bit while Mr. Fuji comes down to watch because Bret is facing Yokozuna on the Survivor Series Showdown special later this week. IRS with a suplex for two and we take a break and return with an ABDOMINAL STRETCH PARTY. Man, can you imagine if the Young Bucks had been influenced by IRS instead of Shawn Michaels? AEW would be the sweatiest, most boring promotion ever. Irwin drops a leg for two and there’s still like 10 minutes left in this show so this match probably isn’t ending any time soon. And Irwin goes back to the chinlock and holds it, and HOLDS IT, and HOOOOOOOOOOOOLDS it! Bret breaks free and Fuj the Stooge trips him up, allowing Irwin to take over with his flurry of offense again, so Bret goes out and punches Fuji out and then makes the comeback as now Yokozuna and Cornette come down. Legsweep gets two, small package gets two. Backbreaker and middle rope elbow get two. And then Fuji uses the flag for the DQ at 9:22 before Owen makes the save and the Hart boys chase the heels away. If you want to know why Bret had the reputation for dogging it in anything but big match situations, this match is a prime example. 1 for 5.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JIM ROSS!
Did you also know that the Survivor Series Hotline is up and running? I bet you didn’t. Don’t lie to me. Anyway, Undertaker and Yokozuna do promos and Taker is representing the spirits of all the All Americans who have gone before him.
Next week: Who the fuck knows. Probably more Reo Rodgers, lucky us.
This show was…something.