The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.18.21

The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.18.21

Not sure how long they’ll last there, but ShopAEW has some of the Series 4 figures available tonight:  I actually picked up Santana and Ortiz for a total of $66 Canadian with shipping, which is pretty damn cheap.  I was tempted to grab Matt Hardy as well but I’m holding off for the moment.

Taped from Jacksonville, FL

Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross & Excalibur

CAGE FIGHT:  Christian Cage v. Brian Cage

No, wait, that’s my fantasy booking, sorry.

CAGE FIGHT:  Wardlow v. Jake Hager

Wardlow is seconded by Shawn Spears here tonight, while Hager chooses Chris Jericho.  The ring is only six sides, so perhaps that’s what they got from Impact in exchange for all the publicity.  Now, I’m assuming this isn’t a legit shoot fight, especially since Aubrey Edwards is the referee and it’s, you know, on a wrestling show.

ROUND NUMBER ONE:  They circle like Severn and Shamrock to start and cuddle on the cage, and Hager hits him with a couple of leg kicks and tries a takedown.  Wardlow counters with a slam as the pro wrestling creeps in already, but Hager takes him down on the second try and Wardlow quickly escapes.  Hager tries another kick and Wardlow catches the leg and puts him down with a good shoot, and then takes him down and beats on him on the mat until Hager escapes that.  So they slug it out and Wardlow bounces off the cage with a superman punch and Hager is running away and eating punches until the bell rings to end the round.  Well that’s 10-9 Wardlow, maybe 10-8 given the trouble that Hager got into.

ROUND NUMBER TWO:  Wardlow charges and hits the cage, but manages to take Jake down with a double wristlock and then gets the mount and beats on him.  He almost gets the armbar, but Hager manages to roll out and gets top control and then tries for his own armbar, which he turns into a triangle.  Wardlow slams out of it, so Hager grabs his ankle and Wardlow has to fight out of that.  And then Wardlow powerbombs him into the cage and takes him down with a rana as this gets a bit silly, but Hager catches him in the head and arm choke and Wardlow manages to escape that.  So Hager hits him with a uranage this time and reapplies the hold, and Wardlow is out at 4:00 of the second round.  This was kind of goofy but overall a very entertaining fake fight.  But before any sportsmanship can occur, Spears charges in for the beatdown and Jericho (playing the part of RED SHOES tonight) makes the save.  This brings MJF in from the crowd and he cranks on Jericho’s arm, but Dean Malenko comes in and pulls MJF off, which prompts MJF to punch out the 60 year old road agent.  And then Sammy makes the save, wearing red pants that match Jericho’s shoes.

Meanwhile, Kazarian and his new friends Eddie and Penta discuss righteous vengeance.

Meanwhile, Taz tells his crew that the shit between Ricky Starks and Brian Cage needs to end, and issues a challenge to Hangman Page on behalf of Hobbs.

Scorpio Sky & Ethan Page v. Darby Allin

Man, they got that cage taken down in record time.  Darby takes Page down with armdrags and then rolls up Sky for two, but Ethan gets a cheapshot from the apron and the Men of the Year double-team Darby.  Allin manages to hit a double springboard senton and gets two on Scorpio, but Page bowls him over with a shoulderblock and tries a press slam.  Darby reverses to a sleeper, so Ethan hurls him into the corner and we take a break.  Back with Sky hitting a backbreaker, and Page follows with his own, but Darby gets a small package on Ethan for two.  The MOTY double-team him behind the ref’s back, but Darby pulls out a zip tie and ties up Ethan’s feet to get of him.  A pair of rollups on Sky get two and he follows with the stunner and goes up to finish with the coffin drop, but Page manages to pull him out despite his crippled state.  Luckily there’s a toolbox under the ring with wire snippers handy, and he frees himself and runs Darby into the post.  Back in the ring, he tries a superplex, but Darby bites the hand to escape and tries another coffin drop, only for Sky to crotch him and Page finishes with the Ego’s Edge at 12:00.  This was way better than it seemed like it had any right to be.  ***1/4

Orange Cassidy v. Cezar Bononi

Cezar throws Orange around by the Canadian tuxedo and pulls off the jacket and then tosses him, where Wish Ziggler sprays him down with self-tanner.  Back in, Bononi puts him down and out with a big boot this time, and now they give him a makeover via a new jacket.  Back in, Orange sends Cezar to the floor and tries a dive, but the geeks throw him back in, so this time the Best Friends launch Orange onto them.  Back in, Orange goes up and tries the DDT, but Bononi catches him, so Orange gets a stunner instead and follows with the DDT.  Orange Punch for the various geeks and that finishes Bononi at 4:10.  Much like Orange, this was whatever.  *  Peter Avalon’s overwrought crying is pretty funny, though.

Meanwhile, Kenny Omega interrupts a Jungle Boy interview backstage via golf-cart drive-by, and promises a picnic next week, and he’s loaded up ONE KNUCKLE SANDWICH FOR JUNGLE BOY, and ANOTHER KNUCKLE SANDWICH FOR JUNGLE BOY.  JB won’t bite on the bait, so Omega offers him a free shot and then Nakazawa lays him out with the laptop and Kenny drives away on the cart.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy and his family are doing an interview, but Christian storms in and attacks, before getting locked behind a fence, as Matt talks about him breaking their deal from the battle royale.  Hmm.

Cody Rhodes & Brock Anderson v. QT Marshall & Aaron Solow

Solow and Brock trade wristlocks while my kid scoffs at Comoroto’s ridiculous jacket.  Cody comes in and cleans house on the heels, but Solow double-stomps the back and they go to work on Cody as we take a break.  Back with Brock fighting for a tag, but the ref of course doesn’t see it and QT hits Brock with a neckbreaker for two.  Cody gets the hot tag and hits a destroyer on QT for two, but Solow puts him down with a spinkick for two.  So Cody lets Brock back in and then gets rid of QT himself, and Brock rolls up Solow for the pin at 10:11.  Brock looked OK here but nothing special.  This was a fun match though.  **1/2

Meanwhile, Lance Archer would be unable to be a doctor because he’s got no PATIENCE.  According to Jake Roberts, who of course is not the most reliable source of accurate information.

Meanwhile, Andrade El Idolo sits down with JR, and he’s got a surprise for everyone soon.  Well that was a lot of nothing.

Meanwhile, Hangman and the Dark Order accept the challenge of Powerhouse Hobbs for next week.  Alex Marvez points out that Hangman is next in line for a shot at the World title, so Page quickly changes the subject and puts over Five’s new jacket instead.  I mean, it’s an OK jacket, I guess.

Julia Hart v. Penelope Ford

Ford takes her down with a headlock while the announcers point out that Sabian has disappeared after Miro’s attack.  I bet he’s gonna return in 90 days!  Ford takes Julia to the apron and slingshots onto her with a stomp as we take a break.  Back with Ford continuing the punishment with a gutbuster, but she misses a moonsault.  Hart tries doing something with the splits and misses, and Ford taps her out with a bridged deathlock at 5:50. A complete squash for Penelope.  And then Miro comes out, offended that the Blonds have a 3-on-1 advantage on the helpless Penelope at the moment, so “God’s favorite champion” destroys Pillman and Garrison to even the odds.

Meanwhile, Vickie Guerrero accuses Britt Baker of smelling like cheeseburgers and wants a title match for Nyla Rose, so on June 30 we’ll get Nyla & Vickie v. Britt & Rebel on the return to Wednesdays.  Plus Miro v. Brian Pillman and MJF v. Sammy.

Meanwhile, Jade Cargill and her lawyer are open for business, and offering discounts with code “DATBITCH”.

Matt Jackson & Those Two Yayhoos from Impact v. Penta, Eddie Kingston & Kazarian

The babyfaces control Karl Anderson in the corner to start and then abuse Matt Jackson as well before dumping the heels to the floor for a brawl out there.  And of course we take a break.  Back with the Elite triple-teaming Kingston for two and Matt puts the boots to him, but Kingston fights back with chops and hits an overhead suplex.  Kaz gets a hot tag and cleans house, then hits Anderson with a springboard legdrop for two.  Oh great, it occurs to me that in addition to two people named “Page” and two named “Cage” and three people named “Matt”, we’ve now got THREE people named “Anderson” to deal with as well.  Hell, there’s even two different announcers named Alex!  Penta comes in with a tope on the Yayhoos and hits a DDT on Matt for two.   So Kaz and Kingston hit mule kicks on Jackson in the corner and then Kazarian gives him an Angel’s Wings for two, but Gallows saves and then hauls Matt back to the corner for a tag to Anderson.  Double-team neckbreaker into a flying elbow from Matt gets two on Penta.  Kaz breaks up the Magic Killer and everyone fires off the big moves, but Penta takes Karl down with a backstabber.  He goes up to finish, but Nick Jackson appears and sprays the cold into Penta’s eyes, and Anderson finishes with a cutter at 14:08.  Just kinda the usual stuff from these guys.  ***

I dunno, they were really jacking up the fake crowd noise this week but ultimately there wasn’t much to the show, with a LOT of talking by Dynamite standards and mostly matches that would have fit better on Dark.  In particular what the hell was that Best Friends / Wingmen mess all about?  Next week’s live Saturday show should hopefully be a kick in the pants and then THANK GOD it moves back to Wednesdays permanently after that.  I did really like the cage fight but that felt like a lifetime ago by the end of the show.