The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.13.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 11.13.93

Taped from Burlington, VT

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, with Randy Savage still conspicuous by his absence according to Vince.  Maybe they should check WCW, I hear they’ve been signing some big names lately.  Also, when Lawler predicts that Razor will lose the IC title this week, Vince notes that “Lawler ain’t the bad guy”.  I know a couple of girls in Memphis who are about to perjure themselves saying something very different, unfortunately.

Men on a Mission v. Iron Mike Sharpe & Chuck Greenman

Quality jobber for these goofs to squash this week at least.  I’d think “Greenman” has to be a rib on someone.  Here he’s Chuck, but apparently he was on RAW the week before as “Steve Greenman”.  But he’s obscure that he doesn’t even have a listing on Cagematch anyway.  Iron Mike trades shoulderblocks with Mo and gets nowhere with it, so Mabel comes in and puts Mike down with the leg lariat before going to work with the clubbing flippers.  Because he’s Shamu, you see.  MOM works on the arm for a bit and it’s over to Greenman, but Mo quickly drops an elbow on him for the pin at 2:40.  Nothing like a MOM squash to kick off a show.  0 for 1.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JOE FOWLER! 

Is this guy not fired YET?  Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll stooge out Vince in the upcoming steroid trials and get blackballed.  Anyway, PICK UP THE PHONE and order Survivor Series now!  God knows someone needs to, that show could use all the help it can get.  They could try, I dunno, booking a main event that people want to see?  Regardless, the promos this week are from Bret and Lawler, and Bret works “iota” into the conversation.  So it’s got that going for it.

NEXT WEEK:  Bret Hart v. IRS! 

Ludvig Borga v. Dan Dubiel

Poor Dubiel doesn’t even get a ring introduction before Borga attacks him prematurely, and then follows with a delayed suplex and chokes him out like he’s trying to make him into smalahove.  Look that one up, I dare you.  Borga charges and misses and Dubiel makes a quick comeback, but Borga slams him to cut that off.  And the torture rack finishes at 1:58, as Dubiel gives up like someone’s opening up a can of Surströmming and he wants out of there before it stinks up the arena.  0 for 2.

Meanwhile, IRS plays Royal Rumble with his K-Mart controller.  I bet Rotunda gets sweaty just playing video games.

The Steiner Brothers & Lex Luger join us for a special interview in the ring while Vince warns us, yet again, not to be confused by other entities trying to be the World Wrestling Federation and presumably airing shows around Thanksgiving.  Maybe he should try running a free TV show on cable in opposition, I’ve heard that’s an effective way to deal with imposters.  Anyway, Lex Luger introduces the replacement for Tatanka, who is still injured but is there in spirit, and speaking of which the new guy is the Undertaker!  Well that’s a pretty major upgrade if we’re being honest with ourselves.  So Undertaker does a fairly lengthy promo for 1993 Undertaker, noting that they all stand up for AMERICAN PRIDE, and he reveals his new coat, which has an American flag sewn into the lining.  Huh, I guess the Undertaker is not just a badass, he’s an AMERICAN BA…you know what, that sounds stupid, never mind.

Bastion Booger v. Joe Brennan

Booger gets taunted by multiple Doinks on the video wall as that gimmick continues to die a death, and he finishes Brennan with the sitdown splash at 1:00.  And then he eats a pudding cup.  1993, folks.

Meanwhile, Geoff Jared stops by the Grand Ole Opry to complain about country music politics and how guys like George Jones might as well be dead.  You know, here in Saskatchewan they’re starting to book concerts again for later in the year, and one of the first ones advertised is for a George Jones tribute show, and it makes me think “Yeah that’s about right.”  Anyway, they’re soon going to rename the WWF into the “Double J F”, possibly because Vince signed an agreement with another company over usage of the WWF initials and then reneged on his own deal.  Also they’re apparently going to rename the Grand Ole Opry into the “Double J Auditorium”.  That’s not very catchy at all.

Intercontinental title:  Razor Ramon v. Rick Martel

It’s the REMATCH from the original title match and I feel like I can guess the finish coming a mile away but we’ll let it play out and see where it goes.  Lawler notes that if you cross Razor with a chimp, you’ll get a grease monkey.  Animal experimentation is never funny.  Unless it’s that meme with the dog on the phone, that guy is HILARIOUS.  “Hello, this is dog.”  HE THINK HE’S PEOPLE!  My dog is also just like people, if people had an IQ of 4, lived in abject fear of sprinklers despite barking at anything that moves within three blocks of the house, and constantly shed hair all over the furniture and on any surface that they touch.  Anyway, I digress, Martel attacks Ramon at the bell and takes him to the floor, ramming a chair into the knee while the ref is somehow not looking at this going on despite having no other function besides watching the two men in the match…oh, it’s JOEY MARELLA.  No wonder.  Martel works on the leg back in the ring and we take a break as Harvey Wippleman joins us at ringside.  Back with Razor making a comeback and trying the Edge, but Harvey distracts Razor and they end up fighting on the floor, where Martel takes a contrived bump into Harvey and Razor wins by countout at 7:00.  Well at least it wasn’t both Survivor Series teams running in, but this was equally lame.  0 for 3.  Afterwards, Martel decides to take umbrage with Wippleman, but Adam Bomb and Diesel come out to talk sense into him and dissention seems imminent.  Which went nowhere of course.

SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT!  WITH TODD PETTINGILL!

To clarify from the review last week, I know Todd was around the WWF before this, but last week was his debut doing the PPV shills, and in fact I don’t think he had been on Superstars otherwise, either.  Anyway, Bret Hart gets another promo here, with a callback to the previous Face to Face promo where Lawler made a “survey says” joke about the Family Feud, and in this case Bret says that “Survey Says” Lawler is the “scumball bogus King”.  Really?  They asked 100 people and enough of them used the phrase “scumball bogus King” to place in the top 4 answers on the board?  I think this game show might be rigged.  Anyway, Todd notes that one thing is for certain:  A week from now, he wouldn’t want to be Jerry Lawler.  I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.

NEXT SUNDAY:  THE SURVIVOR SERIES SHOWDOWN!

Diesel v. Chaz Ware

Big D beats on young Beaver Cleavage in the corner and hits him with a big boot, and then finishes with the KO punch at 1:20.  This guy needs a better finisher.  0 for 4.

This show was BAAAAAAD.  The Undertaker as the fourth guy was pretty cool, but the rest was not.