The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 06.04.21
Live from Jacksonville, FL
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross & Excalibur
The Young Bucks v. Pac & Penta
Frankie Kazarian, continuing his run of being a sore loser, attacks Nakazawa before the match, thus ruining his celebration of getting Nick’s headband. Death Triangle hits the Bucks with dives right away and follow with stereo backdrops on the floor while the announcers clarify that Fenix was attacked by the Bucks backstage, and filmed by Brandon Cutler, but we won’t see the footage because they don’t condone it. BIG TECH CENSORSHIP. Anyway, that doesn’t bode well for Fenix’s health if they have to write him off in the background. In the ring, Pac and Penta double-team Matt and Pac gets a cutter into a standing shooting star for two. Matt bails and hides behind Cutler, so Pac chases and gets suckered into a kick from Nick on the apron. Matt does a whole bit where he teases a dive, and then rolls out and clotheslines Pac instead. So the crowd must be pretty small this week, because they’re shooting straight on with the hard cam like the pandemic shows were, with most of the audience directly across from it. The Bucks double-team Pac with more wacky stuff, but Pac dodges a pair of charges and comes back with a release german on Nick, and it’s hot tag Penta. He runs wild with a codebreaker on the Bucks, but Nick goes for the mask, so Penta gives him a backstabber and Penta Driver for two. Back to Pac, who pounds on Matt with kicks and hits him with a powerbomb for two. Penta comes in with a flying stomp to the groin, and Nick gets double-superkicked. Penta gets a destroyer on Nick, but Matt tags in with his own destroyer and then slugs it out with Pac on the apron. And everyone gets dropped on their head on the apron, leaving Penta and Nick to slug it out in the ring while Matt and Pac sell on the floor. Nick pulls the ref in the way of an attack and then pulls off Penta’s mask, but there’s a second mask underneath and Penta piledrives Nick. And Pac comes in with the Black Arrow for two as Matt saves. Pac goes up again and this time Cutler hits him with the camera and Nick gets the pin at 9:33. I mean really these guys can’t have anything BUT great matches. ***1/2 The Bucks try another beatdown afterwards, but Eddie Kingston makes the save and chases them off.
Mark Henry joins us for a chat with Tony, as he’ll be hosting Rampage when it debuts in August. This brings out Vickie Guerrero, who shoos them out of the ring and introduces her newest acquisition…Andrade El Idolo. Well that’s a pretty big one, but putting him with Vickie doesn’t feel like a big deal.
Lee Johnson & Cody Rhodes v. QT Marshall & Anthony Ogogo
Johnson doesn’t do very well with Ogogo, but Cody comes in and hits QT with a flatliner so that Lee can get some offense. Lee skins the cat and takes QT to the floor with a headscissors, but then Ogogo just stomps him down on the floor and the heels take over. We take a break and return with Cody getting the hot tag and slugging away on QT in the corner and hitting Ogogo with the disaster kick on the apron. QT kind of landed awkwardly on a monkey flip in there, right on his knee, and hopefully he didn’t hurt himself. Cody with the figure-four, but Ogogo breaks it up with a frog splash and then QT gets a Qutter for two. Cody and QT slug it out, but Aaron Solow takes the ref and Ogogo knocks out Cody with the punch, putting QT on top for the pin at 9:36. So this feud must continue I guess. **1/4
The Inner Circle joins us, giving out Inner Circle Stadium Stampede Winners shirts to everyone in the building. I looked under my chair too but only found a phone handset I had been missing for like two weeks. So that’s a win! Sammy talks about how winning the match for his team was the greatest moment of his career, but Santana points out that they still have to listen to the Pinnacle bitch and moan backstage, so THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE. In fact, Hager challenges Wardlow to an MMA cage fight in two weeks, and also Jericho is going to beat MJF if it’s the last thing he does. OK, so they’re splitting off into the individual feuds after blowing off the big one. Weird flex but OK.
Meanwhile, Orange Cassidy is also not finished with Kenny Omega.
Meanwhile, Kenny Omega and Don Callis are ready to BLOW THE LID OFF the conspiracy to screw Kenny Omega. Kenny points out that there’s a big difference between a Jungle BOY and a Jungle MAN.
Jungle Boy & Christian Cage v. Private Party
Private Party now works in full business casual attire, which is kind of funny. They manage to double-team JB for a bit to start, but he takes them to the floor with a double armdrag. He goes up and Quen catches him with a dropkick coming down, but JB evades them and makes the tag to Christian. Christian goes up with the flying forearm on Kassidy, who flips over like a ragdoll in a funny sell, but Quen necks Christian to take over. We take a break and return with Kassidy dropping Quen on Christian and then Private Party draws legit heel heat by doing a Five Second Pose. Kassidy takes out JB and they do another Five Second Pose, but Christian fights them off and makes the hot tag to Jungle Boy. Brainbuster on Quen gets two. DDT gets two. Kassidy breaks up the Snare Trap and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, as Quen thumbs the eye and rolls up Jungle Boy with a handful of tights for two. They set up the G&J, but Jungle Boy blocks the rana and gets the Snare Trap for the submission at 11:25. Just kind of a normal tag team match. **1/2 And then noted sore loser Matt Hardy hits Christian with a Twist of Fate on the ramp.
Team Taz have BAD NEWS for Hangman Page: He’s going to have to pick a partner and face Hobbs & Cage next week.
Sting & Darby Allin join Tony for some words, but Scorpio Sky and Ethan Page pop up on the video screen and offer a rematch, as long as Darby picks anyone for a partner BUT Sting.
Britt Baker DMD is here to celebrate her title victory, and there’s a host of geeks in the ring and a big plate of hamburgers. So she promises everyone in the crowd BURGER COUPONS, but it’s just a swerve because she did all the work and the fans don’t deserve any credit. Damn, I looked under my chair again and just found an old dog treat. I’ve gotta stop falling for that one. So Rebel and Tony are ready to join in a burger toast, but Nyla Rose knocks them away and then pops the balloons for good measure. Party pooper.
Meanwhile, Pac and Penta DO NOT WANT the help of Eddie Kingston, but Eddie gives them the old “The enemy of my enemy” speech.
The Bunny v. Red Velvet
Apparently this was set up by something on AEW Dark Elevation, and we get highlights and everything! Velvet dodges a charging Bunny and hits a standing moonsault for two, and then tosses Bunny and follows with a dive that nearly goes into Lita-folding-in-half territory. That was terrifying. Back in, Velvet chokes her out in the corner and goes up, but Bunny superkicks her to the floor and then stomps away in the corner. Running elbow gets two and we take a break. Really? This match we’re taking a break? Back with Velvet fighting back with a stunner for two. But then Bunny gets another superkick and Blade gives her knuckles, only for Velvet’s posse to take the ref and allow Velvet to hit her spinkick for the pin at 7:17. Not much to this one. **
Meanwhile, John Silver is still not cleared, so Evil Uno will get a TNT title shot at Miro instead.
Meanwhile, Miro has a special shoutout to his wife “for being hot” and accepts the challenge of Uno. Never change, Miro.
Bullrope match: Nick Comoroto v. Dustin Rhodes
Dustin tries to attack on the ramp and Comoroto dumps him into the ring, but Dustin uses the rope to crotch him. Comoroto chokes him out with the rope, but Dustin hits him with the cowbell and they get all tied up in the rope and tumble to the floor. They fight into the crowd and Comoroto throws Fuego del Sol around, but Dustin takes out Solow and then Comoroto beats Dustin down while bleeding. They really, really, really need to tone it down with the blood and save it for matches that aren’t being watched by Friday night at midnight-sized audiences. We take a break and return with them fighting on the apron while Solow sets up a table on the floor. Why are they taking a break with about 5 minutes left in the show? They slug it out on the apron and Dustin gets powerbombed through the table, and Comoroto gets two off that. Solow pulls off a turnbuckle, but one of Billy Gunn’s hellspawn takes him out so that Dustin can make the comeback and the Final Cut gets two. They slug it out while Comoroto plays monster, but Dustin runs him into the exposed turnbuckle, hits him with the bell, and bulldogs him for the pin at 10:52. Dustin’s still great but Comoroto looked really green and kind of lost out there, and this wasn’t a particularly worthwhile main event. **
Not a fan of this one, as most of the matches felt like AEW Dark level stuff, especially the second hour with a really dead crowd, and there wasn’t really any compelling storyline stuff to carry it. They don’t often mail them in, but this one felt like it was kind of resigned to losing. And what’s with all the WWE-style “This feud must continue!” stuff? I mean, fine, but it’s just weird because 99% of the time before now they immediately move everyone onto something different instead of doing a bunch of rematches, and this was ALL rematches being set up.