The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.30.93
Holy crap, finally something big happens on THIS dumpster fire of a show instead of RAW for once!
Taped from Worcester, MA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler, who is dressed like Macho Man for Halloween.
Meanwhile, on Monday Night RAW, Randy Savage sits down with Crush for a peace summit, but Crush has an EVIL GOATEE and Mr. Fuji, so things go downhill quickly. In a nice moment of artistic creativity, the recap is shown in black and white, until Vince declares that Crush “shows his true colors”, at which point the footage suddenly switches to color. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! Anyway, Macho gets dropped on the railing and left for dead by Yokozuna as well. Maybe they should have dropped a ringbell on his throat as well for some long-overdue karma.
The Smoking Gunns v. The Executioners
Don’t be confused! This isn’t former WWWF tag team champions Killer Kowalski and John Studd under the masks, it’s just Gill and Hardy. The Gunns double-team an Executioner and Billy does his weird gut wrench into a front slam and then adds a tilt-a-whirl slam and gives him a “bang bang” before they finish with their terrible backdrop piledriver at 2:30. Billy Gunn, I can’t say as I know Mick Foley on a personal level, but you sir are no Mick Foley. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
Gorilla warns all those kids out there not to eat any food they get until they get home. Safety is important, which is why I always personally sample all my daughter’s candy before she gets the leftovers. Anyway, Lex Luger and the Steiner Brothers are promising to watch Tatanka’s match with Ludvig Borga and have his back in case he gets into trouble. Well that was clearly a lie. I bet Lex Luger isn’t even made in America!
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Tim McNeany
Doink shows up on the video wall, promising to show up at Survivor Series and dump FOUR buckets of water on Bigelow. What a monster. Bigelow gets a corner splash for the pin at 0:30. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Joe has no tricks for us, only a treat: Information on how to order Survivor Series live on PPV. Man, if I was giving that out on Halloween night to kids, my house would be egged by 8:00. What a terrible treat. Apparently we should go buy a big screen TV to watch it. Maybe a giant 32” one! Anyway, our verbal showdown of the week is Diesel against Mr. Perfect, which must have been taped a while ago because Perfect was gone by the time this show aired.
The Steiner Brothers v. Bert Centino & Chris Duffy
Jerry Lawler informs us that the Steiners are SO DUMB…
Apparently, they think “Long John Silver” was formal underwear. I find that hard to believe. I don’t believe he’s being truthful about that. Duffy gets a bit of offense on Scott in the corner and then Scott throws him around with an overhead suplex and stomps him in the head. Rick comes in with some rather harsh forearms and then hits the slam into the corner and that didn’t look comfortable. Over to Centino, but Scott drills him with the Steiner Screwdriver and then the Steiners take his lifeless corpse and finish with the elevated bulldog at 2:20. Watching them murder jobbers is always entertaining at least. 1 for 3.
Meanwhile, Razor Ramon is playing WWF Royal Rumble on Sega Genesis, using wireless turbo controllers that he bought at K-Mart. Yes, this is the 90s, why do you ask? Also I can only imagine how high quality that wireless controllers from K-MART in 1993 would have been.
The Heavenly Bodies v. PJ Walker & Mark Thomas
They slam Thomas and Dr. Tom suplexes Del Ray onto him for two, and Jimmy hits a superkick and brings in PJ Walker. They immediately hit him with the elevated powerslam and double flapjack, and Del Ray’s moonsault finishes at 1:29. 1 for 4.
SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Is Fowler the only announcer they have at this point? Was he working catering as well to save money? He helpfully explains the concept of the 4-on-4 tag matches in case there are any complete morons watching, sounding completely unconvincing as someone who has ever watched wrestling before. Also he has to hype a match with Adam Bomb, Marty Jannetty and IRS and say “Only the best WWF superstars are involved!” with a straight face.
Ludvig Borga v. Tatanka
This was a pretty legitimately big match for Superstars. Borga goes right to the ribs, pounding them into kalakukko, but Tatanka dodges a charge and fights back with clotheslines to put Borga down. Tatanka grabs a headlock and can’t knock Borga down, but finally gets a dropkick and bodypress for ONE TWO HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. Why don’t people chant that instead of “two”, I wonder? Borga wants to “mix it up fisticuffs style” but the ref informs him that it’s not a boxing match. But then he does more punches to the ribs anyway, so I guess there must have been a language barrier there. Well, Danny Davis DOES have a thick Bah-stin accent so communications would be an issue. Borga gets a sideslam while Mr. Fuji joins at ringside to wave the Japanese flag and further de-motivate Tatanka, as Borga gets a delayed suplex. Wait, weren’t Finland and Japan at war in the 40s? They dropped a giant canister of lutefisk on Hiroshima to end the war, I thought? No wait, that would have been the Norwegians, never mind. I’m always getting my Scandinavians mixed up. Borga goes to an extended chinlock as we take a break and return with more chinlocks, and then Borga goes back to tenderizing the ribs and turning them into kroppkakor, and then Fuji takes the ref while Borga beats on Tatanka with a chair outside and lays him out. Back in, Borga drags him to the middle, puts ONE FINGER on his chest, and pins him to end the undefeated streak at 10:23. Now that was a hell of a finish. Unfortunately they wasted it on Borga but you can see what they were going for. And afterwards Yokozuna shows up as well and they drag Tatanka to the corner, and where are the lying Luger and Steiners to watch his back? NOWHERE. We then cut to the back and reveal that Luger was busy fighting with the Quebecers, but that’s awfully convenient. Sounds more like Luger was too much of a coward to face Borga and save his so-called friend. No wonder Tatanka turned on his lying ass at Summerslam 94. Anyway, Luger finally makes the save after calling Eric Bischoff to get a matching qualifying offer first and then checking with his lawyer to make sure he has enough dates left on his contract. 2 for 5. OK, so check this out: We know Lex Luger is very selfish and kind of lazy and loves money, right? Well, he knew that with Tatanka injured and out of the match, they’d have to go out and find a replacement, and probably a replacement who was a bigger star that would draw a bigger PPV buyrate and thus put more money in Lex’s pocket, and also give him someone else to do the majority of the work for him! Namely, the Undertaker. So in fact, maybe Luger was a secret genius all along here.
I mean, probably not, but anything is possible.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Meanwhile, Joe thinks it’s no coincidence that Tatanka was attacked by the VERY SAME people who are teaming up against him at Survivor Series. Wow, took him a while to put those puzzle pieces together, I see. Hopefully he never tried to watch Lost. If he did, he probably loved Nikki and Paolo. He just seems like the type.
Vince also covers for the Steiner Brothers and their blatant abandonment of their partner, noting that they were “padlocked in the dressing room” and couldn’t make the save either. Hmm, did anyone see Randy Savage around? Lawler just thinks they were in a room with a door marked “Push” and spent the whole time trying to pull it.
NEXT WEEK! Rick Steiner v. Jacques! Well hopefully Rick gets out of that room before then.