The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.09.93
Taped from…I don’t even know anymore. Time and space have no meaning in 1993 as this show just keeps meandering. Oh wait, it’s still Grand Rapids, MI.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler. Randy Savage explains the meaning of Columbus Day to him. It has to do with 1492.
Men on a Mission v. Damian Demento & ? Werner
Vince wants to talk about the battle royale on RAW that left Razor and Martel left as the last two facing off for the IC title, and Randy notes that he tried his best in the match and came up short. To quote Sir Sean Connery, losers whine about doing their best, and winners go home and fuck the prom queen. Demento gets nowhere with Mabel and forcibly tags in Werner, as MOM double-teams him with a Paisan Elbow and the announcers 100% ignore the match and talk about the Intercontinental title deal instead. Mo whips Mabel into the mullet jobber in the corner, and Mabel follows with a DDT reminiscent of Dusty Rhodes at Starrcade 87, and then tosses Mo off the top with a sad rocket launcher at 3:40. It’s like a whole NWA tribute deal here. Despite his YouTube videos to the contrary, Demento was pretty clearly a jobber here. 0 for 1.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! Brought to you by the merchandise catalog!
Apparently Lawler v. Bret is still the hottest feud in the company, and Bret cuts a pissed off promo about Lawler stealing the undisputed King-ship from him. Back from break, Lawler reveals that the Hart family were on the first boats from England and settled America, but make a cowardly run to Canada to evade the draft when they formed the first army. I can see Smith doing that. Bruce would probably call the British and defect in exchange for a job.
Adam Bomb v. Mitch Bishop
Johnny Polo is wearing a bathrobe to the ring, so the announcers discuss bathhouse etiquette in another weird bit. Bomb beats on Bishop and puts the boots to him, and follows with a pretty damn nice dropkick that puts the guy on the floor. And Polo snaps his towel at him for good measure. Back in the ring, Bomb hits the slingshot clothesline and pins him at 1:43. He really needs to settle on his finisher. 0 for 2.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Your guests this week are Razor Ramon and IRS as Razor brags about helping PJ Walker upset Irwin on RAW. Not sure why they’re talking about that now, since that show was about 3 weeks before this one.
Meanwhile, on RAW, Razor Ramon and Rick Martel are the last two standing in the battle royale, so they face each other for the IC title this Monday.
Mr. Perfect v. Red Tyler
Perfect tosses Tyler and runs him into the railing, and back in for chops, but Tyler dodges a blind charge and gets some jobber offense while his trunks are wedged up his ass. Perfect puts him down with a kneelift as even Vince notices the wedgie issue, and Perfect gives him an atomic drop and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:34. Lawler: “This match just wasn’t what it was cracked up to be.” 0 for 3.
Bam Bam Bigelow joins Boni Blackstone for a special interview, and I’m pretty shocked Boni has stuck around as long as she has. Anyway, Bigelow hates Doink, film at 11.
Well Dunn v. Virgil & Jerry Fox
Well Dunn has now added Harvey Wippleman to their act, which clearly is the key to success for them. Dunn tries for a hammerlock on Virgil, but he gets thrown out by a feisty Virgil and brought back in with a slingshot. Virgil actually takes him down with a flying headlock and nearly invents Sliced Bread #2 here in 1993, but Dunn escapes that, so Virgil dropkicks him down and works the arm. Over to Fox, who also takes Dunn down with a headlock, but that’s the end of his offense as Well Dunn double-teams him. Meanwhile, Randy Savage laments his personal issues with Crush while Lawler has heard a MAJOR rumor about what’s really going on. Savage demands answers, so Lawler busts out a classic. “How do you keep an idiot in suspense?” Savage: “TELL ME!” Lawler: “…” Well Dunn pins the jobber somehow with something. 0 for 4. This show is so dull that I don’t even have any good Olive Garden jokes this week.
The Undertaker v. Rod Bell
Is it me or is anyone else thinking that Paul Bearer is getting ready to sell us a pillow and tell us about how the election was rigged? Undertaker puts Bell down with a clothesline and whips him around the ring, then puts him away with a chokeslam at 1:45. 0 for 5.
Meanwhile, the President is apparently watching RAW on Air Force One.
The Headshrinkers v. Steve Nixon & Tony Bithera
Shrinkers double-team Nixon and Samu just drops him on his head with a brainbuster and then brings in geek #2. Lawler: “Were Stu and Helen Hart on Noah’s Ark?” Vince: “No.” Lawler: “Then why didn’t they drown?” SEE THEY’RE REALLY OLD. Double faceplant and flying Fatu splash finish at 2:50. I feel really bad for the poor crowd who had to sit through this four hours of taping death that night. 0 for 6.
FACE TO FACE! WITH JOE FOWLER!
Your guests are the Smoking Gunns, and oddly they’ve now changed states, from Wyoming to Texas, adding the whole “brothers who went to college on a rodeo scholarship” aspect to the backstory, such as it was. They both trip over their words and Bart forgets his lines.
Next week: 1-2-3 Kid v. Pat Tanaka and highlights of Ramon v. Martel!
A large part of me really wants to skip to 1994 but sparing myself the pain of the rest of this boring year wouldn’t be fair to you, the readers. I know you love it when I suffer.