The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.02.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.02.93

We’re getting into a REAL bad period for this show now, although it turns around somewhat once we get into the Wrestlingmania build in 1994.  But we’ve come this far with it, might as well go further.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage

Meanwhile, on Wrestling Challenge, Jerry Lawler is trying to put Doink the Clown in his place, but the clown turns on him after misinterpreting “taking orders” and dumps water on his head, which Vince thinks is the FUNNIEST THING EVER.  See, Lawler was talking about Doink “taking orders” from him, so Doink (get ready for this, it’s pretty hilarious) thought that Lawler wanted an order from BURGER KING, and listed his burger order!  I’M LITERALLY SLAPPING MY KNEE!  For those keeping track, that’s pretty much where the character was killed off, and Matt Borne getting fired double-killed it.

The Steiner Brothers v. Chad Miller & Tom Bennett

Vince rails against the Steiners getting screwed out of the tag titles, and he’s pretty sure that if they get a rematch with AMERICAN RULES they’ll win the belts back.  And I bet you can see that on a house show near you!  Scott hits Miller with a pumphandle slam and Bennett comes in and gets beat up by Rick.  Back to Miller and Scott just MURDERS him, throwing him around mercilessly and putting him in a spinning toehold and anklelock, and he hits the butterfly bomb and then they finish him with the elevated bulldog at 3:41.  Lawler scores off them by doing his telestrator deal and points out that they need to wear suspenders BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE A BELT.  Ouch.  0 for 1.

UPDATE!  WITH GORILLA MONSOON!

Actual big news this week, as Shawn Michaels has been SUSPENDED due to missing mandatory title defenses, and stripped of the Intercontinental title.  Shawn Michaels stripped of a title without losing it in the ring?  Perish the thought.  So corrupt old Tunney writes in his decision, declaring that 20 people will engage in a battle royale on RAW, and the last two people left will then sports entertain for the championship the week after.

Ludvig Borga v. Sonny Rogers

Savage actually cuts an impassioned promo about how excited he is to be competing for the IC title again in the match on Monday, as he once again instantly sounds like a bigger star than any of the geeks on this show.  Borga beats the guy down and gets a delayed suplex, somehow managing to get busted open on top of his head in the process.  Rogers tries to come back with a bodypress and Borga catches him and slams him, and then FINNISHES with the torture rack at 3:00.  See, because he’s Finnish.  You know what, never mind.  0 for 2.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JOE FOWLER!

Fowler puts over this amazing new “Radio” thing, noting that you’ve seen the WWF on TV, but now you can listen to it on RADIO!  And you just have to call your local news or sports radio station and bug them to carry Radio WWF in order to hear it.  Yeah I’m sure they’d appreciate hearing from a bunch of basement dwelling wrestling nerds.  Anyway, Undertaker and Yokozuna discuss death and cremation and stuff.

IRS v. Gary Jackson

Irwin drops an elbow on Jackson, but he comes back with a bodypress.  So Irwin tosses him and works the leg back in the ring, and if you can imagine a more exciting time than IRS working the knee in a squash match, I’d call you a LIAR.  And he finishes with a clothesline for extra excitement at 2:40.  0 for 3.

Meanwhile, the Undertaker reminds us that there’s no hope with dope.  There’s about 15 people in the locker room he should mention that to.

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Rod Bell

Bigelow beats Bell down while Vince pokes the bear with Savage, asking why Crush is so pissed off at him.  Bigelow with the enzuigiri and he goes up to finish with the diving headbutt at 1:40.  Rod Bell quickly left the business and started a taco franchise, I understand.

Doink the Clown v. unnamed jobber

We never get the match, as they do the angle where the heel from the previous match (Bigelow) takes forever going back to the dressing room, which results in a confrontation with the incoming babyface (Doink).  So Doink dumps water on Luna to up the hilarity, kicking off a feud that lasted for MONTHS, eventually involving a change in Doink’s identity and the addition of midgets.  Doink decids to run away from Bigelow and hides under the ring, but Bam Bam follows him under while Luna lays around in the ring selling the bucket of water.  So the jobber tries to help her, by I dunno, offering a towel or something?  I’m not really clear on why she was so upset.  And then Doink ties a tripwire in the aisle and lures Bam Bam into tripping on it, which is also supposed to be hilarious, I guess.  Vince certainly tells us that it is, and he’s never lied before as far as I know.   0 for 4.

Marty Jannetty v. Steve Moore

OH HO!  Now we finally get an interesting one this week.  Marty this Moore with a clothesline and slams him, but Moore tries a comeback, so Marty hiptosses him and follows with a chinlock.  Moore escapes and stomps him down, and then follows with a backdrop suplex for two.  Marty comes back with a kneelift and the back elbow as the announcers actually put over the effort put on by Steve Moore thus far.  Marty with the rocker dropper for the pin at 3:18.  OK, so young jobber Steve Moore actually had a good enough performance here that they kept him in mind and brought him back a couple of years later, and in fact he ended up being Marty’s tag team partner!   Yes, in fact Moore was Al Snow.  And now you know the rest of the story. 1 for 5.

The Heavenly Bodies v. Reno Riggins & John Paul

Reno actually trades hiptosses with Del Ray to start, and escapes a powerbomb with a small package for two.  Over to John Paul, and Lawler makes the same Beatles joke I’ve made in the past.  Great minds and all that.  Paul gets double-teamed in the corner while Cornette puts the badmouth on him, and Prichard drops an elbow while the announcers AGAIN tell fans to call their radio station and demand it be carried.  Yeah again I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.  The Bodies double-team Riggins and finish with Del Ray’s moonsault press at 3:43.  1 for 6.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JOE FOWLER!

But first, Fowler has to remind people to bug their radio station for Radio WWF again.  It’s kind of a weird deal because they don’t really offer any taste of the content you’re supposed to be getting or reason why you’d want it, and it’s basically just “HEY IT’S MORE WWF CONTENT AND IT’S ON RADIO!” and then expect people to somehow desperately want it.

Next week:  The Undertaker!  Adam Bomb!  Men on a Mission!  Mr. Perfect!  Bam Bam Bigelow!

Hopefully we get to 1994 soon.