The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #36 – 08.02.08

The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #36 – 08.02.08

So in my quest to redo all the SNMEs, I got through the NBC era and reposted my FOX era rants, which left the 2006 reboot that completely failed in every way. I actually had redone the first 5 episodes of that run when they originally dropped on the Network, but the very last episode of the series, which turned out the lights for good, had been done live in 2008 before we had more information about one very particular aspect of the show, which we’ll get into.  So I’m gonna redo it and then turn out the lights on the series, much like this episode did.

Now watch and they cut everything I want to dunk on out of the Network version.

Taped from Washington DC on 07.28.08, and airing on NBC with a 1.37 rating.  That is like test pattern numbers in prime time.

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler & CM Punk for the first match.

JBL, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase & Kane v. John Cena, Cryme Tyme & Batista

The entrances are all weird and out of order, as they alternate heels and babyfaces for some reason.  Kane beats on Batista in the corner, and young Cody Rhodes comes in and gets caught in the babyface corner.  Shad throws JTG into Cody with a splash and hits Cody with a press slam for two and follows with a Snake Eyes, but Kane cuts him off with a clothesline and we take a break.  Back with JBL now working Shad over and dropping him on the railing for two.  Dibiase comes in with a snap suplex and follows with a clothesline for two before going to a camel clutch.  JR talks about how it’s the week of finales on NBC, which is appropriate since this was the finale for SNME.  Well, as of this writing in 2021.  The heels continue the boring beatdown on Shad in their corner with nothing going on, and JBL drops elbows on him for two.  Kane comes in with a seated dropkick for two and even the announcers sound bored, especially Punk.  FINALLY Gaspard gets the hot tag to Cena and he runs wild with the Five Knuckle Shuffle on JBL, but everyone comes in and brawls before Cena launches JTG off the top, but the ref won’t count.  And then while the ref gets Cena out, JBL hits JTG with the clothesline from hell and pins him at 11:20.  JBL was so beyond relevance at this point and this was a pretty flat match.  *1/2

Meanwhile, Jeff Foxworthy tells us all about autism.  And so does Carmen Electra!  And later we’re gonna hear from Jenny McCarthy so she can tell us how to fight it!  OH YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF.

The Great Khali v. Jimmy Wang Yang

So they had JEFF FOXWORTHY and didn’t even have him shoot a promo with Jimmy Wang Yang?  No wonder this show bombed.  Talk about missing a layup.  And Khali throws Yang around and finishes with the tree slam at 1:31.  DUD

Meanwhile, Ben Stiller tells us more about autism and how Jenny McCarthy is going to FIGHT it.  He could not sound any more bored reading the cue cards.

Jenny McCarthy, as promised, joins us live (on tape) in the arena to tell us about how we can fight autism via Generation Rescue, which is famously one of the most batshit crazy “charity” organizations in recent history.  So yes, as you might have figured out by now, this was WWE getting in bed with McCarthy just before it started coming out that the “science” behind her charity was in fact blaming autism on “mercury” in vaccines given to children, which started a tinfoil-hat conspiracy theory among a certain type of nutcase that persists to this day.  And of course, Jenny’s “science” was widely revealed to be an elaborate con from debunked charlatans pushing anti-vaccine agendas, who pitched “miracle cures” for autism like it was the flu and were basically selling snake oil to gullible parents of autistic children.  And not only THAT, but the hysteria caused by McCarthy’s bullshit endorsements of this junk science led to nearly-extinct diseases like whooping cough suddenly coming back again because brainwashed idiot parents refused to have their children vaccinated against long-dead diseases because Jenny told them not to.

But at least here in 2021 we all know better and would never fall victim to baseless anti-vax nonsense again.  Everyone knows that China paid Bill Gates to put tracking chips in the vaccines we have now, and it’s been proven by Twitter.

Meanwhile, on Smackdown, Edge cheats on Vickie Guerrero and gets put in a Cell match against Undertaker at Summerslam as a result.

Meanwhile, we run down the Summerslam card, which actually ended up being a surprisingly great show.

Edge v. Jeff Hardy

They trade wristlocks to start and Jeff takes him down with the armbar and dropkicks him to the floor before following with a tope.  But then he tries a cannonball into the railing and misses, and we take a break.  Back with Edge working the leg over in the ring and that goes on for a while.  Jeff fights back and hangs Edge in the Tree of Woe, then dropkicks him for two.  Edge reverses the Twist of Fate into the Impaler for two, but Jeff gets the Whisper in the Wind for two.  Jeff with a front suplex and he goes up to finish, but can’t get the swanton set up due to his injured leg, and Edge brings him down.  Spear misses and Edge lands on the floor, at which point MVP runs out of the crowd, delivers a running kick to Jeff’s head, and Edge spears him to finish at 13:15.  **

Without a doubt one of the worst in the history of the series, a completely half-assed contractual obligation show where they could barely even bother to dub in proper crowd noise and the B-list celebrities were all reading off a teleprompter.  Goodbye and good riddance to SNME 2008.