The SmarK Rant for Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling – 06.05.82
Taped from Charlotte, NC
Your host is Bob Caudle, who is all about tag teams and telling us about all the great tag teams in Mid-Atlantic this week! I’m sure everyone will be competing for the NWA World tag team titles!
No wait, I’ve just been informed that in fact that will not happening at all.
Jimmy Valiant returns from his blindness to start the show, and just dives right into the tag team match that was supposed to be happening without him!
Jimmy Valiant & Mike Rotunda v. Steve Sybert & Ivan Koloff
So young rookie Rotunda was supposed to be teaming with Johnny Weaver, but Valiant paid Weaver off on the spot (probably with booze) and takes his place, as the babyfaces double-team Sybert and then try to force him to tag Uncle Ivan, who politely declines to come into the match and face Valiant. But then Rotunda comes in and Koloff decides that this is the time to come in, and he beats on Mike and hits him with a knee to the gut, and then actually lets Sybert back in to continue the beating on Mike. Kneedrop gets two. The heels work him over in the corner while Valiant complains to the ref and of course allows more cheating as a result. Ivan misses a series of elbows and it’s HOT TAG Valiant, and he’s so excited that he trips on the way into the ring. So Koloff takes a walk on his geek partner, and Rotunda finishes Sybert with the airplane spin at 3:30. Valiant’s enthusiasm here was infectious. 1 for 1.
Jimmy Valiant joins Bob at the desk, and he’s still frustrated at Koloff running away from him. Also he has a tape recorder for some reason.
Jack Brisco & Paul Jones v. Carl Fergie & David Patterson
Patterson gets caught in the babyface corner and Jones works him over with an armbar. Fergie tags in and they work his arm over as well while we learn the shocking truth: Slaughter’s Privates have been cut off! Yes, the Mid-Atlantic tag team titles are now in the hands of Porkchop Cash and King Parsons. Well THAT’S quite the team. Brisco misses a dropkick and flops to the mat, allowing Fergie to take over as Patterson comes in and goes to work on the back with a bearhug. Jack gets a nice hiptoss to escape and Paul Jones gets the hot tag and slams Fergie for two, but he too misses a dropkick! So Fergie drops an elbow on him for two and goes to the chinlock, but Jones fights out with forearms, and Brisco comes back with a double arm suplex before Jones clips Fergie and finishes with the deathlock at 5:30. Good little tag match with competitive jobbers. 2 for 2. Too bad there’s no World tag titles for people to fight over. They should hold a tournament or something.
Slaughter’s Privates talk with Bob about losing the tag team titles. Slaughter’s Privates are gonna be back on top sooner rather than later! And then they’ll go after the NWA World tag team titles! No, sorry, I’ve just been informed that they will definitely NOT be going after those titles, and in fact we’ve never heard of those titles before on this show and would prefer people don’t speak about them again.
Sgt. Slaughter & King Kong Mosca v. The Samoans
We still have no identification for the mystery Samoans, as they just call them “Samoan 1 and Samoan 2”. As if I don’t have enough trouble with that family tree as it is. OK, so doing some investigation has yielded answers as they are apparently “Tapu” and “Tio”, and in fact they are nobodies who not part of the famous Afa/Sika family lineage, and in fact are just a couple of guys who played various non-descript ethnic heels like “New Guinea Headhunters” and “Mongolian Savages” before fading out of the business at the end of the decade. OK, with that settled, Mosca and Slaughter take turns beating on Tio with dull stuff before Slaughter offers up his neck for a headlock, and then suckers him in with a backdrop suplex to finish at 4:00. Yawn. 2 for 3.
Meanwhile, Roddy Piper just wants TEN SECONDS with Jack Brisco on TV and he’ll win the title back. Also King Kong Mosca would like to clarify that his name is NOT Ding Dong Mosca like Paul Jones says!
Mid-Atlantic tag team titles: Porkchop Cash & King Parsons v. Slaughter’s Privates
As we all know, Slaughter’s Privates are challenging. Kernodle throws forearms on Parsons, but Parsons runs the Privates into each other and knocks Nelson off the apron. Bob notes that the Privates are carbon copies of Slaughter when they’re in the ring. So they’re little Slaughters then? Parsons brings Nelson into the corner and Porkchop comes in and Kernodle tries to overpower him, but Cash hits him with a hip attack and Parsons is like “Hmmmm…” I bet. Parsons gets a dropkick for two and goes to work on the arm. Random observation: Male pattern baldness hit Kernodle HARD in the 5 years following this show. Nelson too but at least he starts shaving his head about a month after this. Parsons gets caught in the Privates corner and double-teamed, and Kernodle gets a neckbreaker for two. Parsons finally scoots away and makes the hot tag to Cash, who slugs away on both guys but runs into a double forearm from Kernodle to cut him off. He hits a fireman’s carry into a clothesline on the top rope, which gets two. Nelson comes in with an elbow to the neck for two. Sgt. Slaughter joins us on commentary, pointing out that his Privates needs to go harder! And pretty soon, no one will be able to touch his Privates. Nelson with a suplex on Cash for two. Backbreaker gets two. Slam gets two. Cash with a small package out of nowhere, however, and that gets the pin at 11:00 to retain. Yes, he gently cradled one of Slaughter’s Privates and got the win. 3 for 4.
Don Muraco joins us and now he’s dressing like a playboy and sniping at Wahoo. So he’s doing commentary for the next match.
Wahoo McDaniel v. Juan Renoso
Muraco is just going full on paranoid heel on commentary, bitching that Wahoo came to Hawaii begging for his help in the tag team title tournament, because he didn’t have it in him to win on his own. So Muraco packed up his pregnant wife and came to this LOUSY city, while Wahoo chased after the US title without him and then walked out on him last week. And now Muraco is wrestling in the “…and others!” position on the card, because WAHOO LIED TO HIM. And now Wahoo is ready to jump in his car and leave the territory because he’s looking over his shoulder at Muraco. Bob calls him “Don” and Muraco FREAKS OUT and goes off, yelling “You don’t call me Don! That’s MAGNIFICENT MURACO TO YOU!” before storming off. Anyway, there’s also a match happening, as Wahoo finishes with the big chop at 4:45 but who gives a shit because Muraco was AWESOME on commentary here and did an amazing job of turning himself heel in one shot. 4 for 5.
Paul Jones promises that he’s sticking around Mid-Atlantic primarily from now on and he’s going to be helping his friend Jack Brisco out if needed. Brisco also accuses Piper of “hollering and crying” about losing the Mid-Atlantic title. Also, amazingly, Wahoo is STILL confident that Don Muraco is on his side and will live up to his word as tag team partner. Oh you poor moron. And that’s where we wrap it up for the week.
Man I hope crazed paranoid drug-addled heel Muraco is all over this show coming up because he was amazing here and looked like a coke dealer villain from Miami Vice. I’m all about it.