The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 04.14.21
It’s Wednesday, and you know what that means. AEW has the day to itself!
Taped from Jacksonville, FL
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Jim Ross & Excalibur
The Young Bucks start us with a promo, explaining their actions last week, as they admit that they’ve been resting on their laurels too much lately, and Don Callis was right about them. So tonight, it’s the new Young Bucks.
Meanwhile, MJF annoys Iron Mike Tyson, which seems like an incredibly bad idea. He also makes fun of the face tattoo, which seems like an even worse idea. But he tries to make up for it by offering a blank cheque, which Mike Tyson literally tears up and eats before spitting it back in his face.
AEW World tag team titles: The Young Bucks v. Rey Fenix & Pac
And in addition to new outfits, the Bucks now have Don Callis with them. Lucky us. Matt trades takedowns with Pac to start and then they trade headlocks as Callis calmly notes that Excalibur “was a Young Bucks jock sniffer for many years”. Fenix comes in and teases a dive onto the Bucks, and he has a dropkick stalemate with Nick before Nick puts him down with a clothesline. Pac comes in and tosses the Bucks before following with the SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP onto Nick, and then Fenix beats on Matt back in the ring before they do some amazing head-faking on him, catching a kick and psyching him out while trading off with kicks. Finally Matt trips Fenix up and brings Nick back in, and he gets rid of Pac and then springboards into the facejam on Fenix before doing a little showboating. Also he’s got “Dior” wrestling boots now to go along with his newly bejeweled headband. Bucks with a double dropkick on Fenix and that gets two as they’re sliding back into being colossal dicks like a fish sliding back into water. Fenix dodges them and makes the hot tag to Pac, who comes in with a missile dropkick on Nick and a snap suplex on Matt for two. Pac runs Matt into the turnbuckles and beats on him with kicks, but Nick trips him up and they beat him down on the floor. Fenix tries to save and he gets laid out as well, and the Bucks give them stereo apron bombs. Back in, Nick hits Pac with a knee in the corner and we take a break. Back with Pac dumping both guys, but Nick yanks Fenix off the apron to break up the hot tag and then Matt goes to the babyface corner and makes his own mocking hot tag and fired up “babyface” comeback. The Ultimate Warrior rope shake is the cherry on top and then his Shawn Michaels tribute is the other cherry on top of that first cherry. If you can’t laugh your ass off at that, you might already be dead. Fenix does finally get the real tag, however, and ropewalks into a superkick before hitting both Bucks with a cutter for two. Pac and Fenix double-team Nick with a pair of crazy suplexes into superkicks from Fenix and then Pac follows with a Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Fenix dives onto Nick outside while Pac hits Matt with a german suplex for two. Pac to the top, but the Bucks brings him down and it’s a SUPERKICK PARTY and everyone is invited, before Matt lays out Fenix with a destroyer after bouncing off the top rope in an amazing spot. Pac and Matt slug it out and Pac gets sent to the apron, but they get yanked down by the other guys and we get stereo reverse ranas before Fenix suddenly rolls into a cutter on Nick on the floor and everyone is dead out there. Back in, Pac takes Matt to the top for a superplex and Fenix adds a frog splash for two. Back to Pac for the Black Arrow, but Nick manages to plow through Fenix and makes the save. And then he drags Matt back to the corner and tags himself in, but charges and walks into Pac’s boot. But then he goes low and superkicks Fenix before ripping off the mask like a supreme dick and finishing with a double superkick while Fenix covers his face desperately at 24:07. These guys are DICKS. And this was a crazy great match with an incredibly clever finish. ****1/4
Meanwhile, Hangman Page is hanging out with Dark Order while Jon Silver does rehab on his shoulder (“Wasn’t it the other one?” “Well now this one hurts too!”) and he ducks out before answering Marvez’s dumb questions about the Elite.
Meanwhile, Chris Jericho and the Inner Circle are all about righting wrongs of the past now, and one of those people was Iron Mike Tyson, but he wants it called right down the middle. You know what he needs to do now is bring back PINEAPPLE PETE and makes amends with him, too.
Red Velvet v. Jade Cargill
Velvet charges in and does some boxing, but Jade puts her down with a big boot. Velvet fights back with a spinkick, but Velvet chases her to the floor and follows with a tope, so Jade tosses her into the crowd and then suplexes her back into the ring after counting her abs. She does seem to have a lot of them. We take a break and return with Velvet making the comeback with a clothesline and a bulldog, and a standing moonsault gets two. Perhaps she shouldn’t have stirred things up before doing it. To the top, but a moonsault misses, and Jade hits a Glam Slam for the pin at 7:03. They were working hard and kept it simple. **1/2
Meanwhile, Dr. Britt Baker DMD explains that she now has a better record than Red Velvet, so she should move up the rankings as a result.
Anthony Ogogo v. Cole Carter
Carter tries for the lockup and Ogogo just punches him in the gut for the ref stoppage at 0:55. Hey, that’s a pretty cool finish.
Meanwhile, Miro is sick of waiting for Kip Sabian to call him back, so he’s moving on without him.
Chris Jericho v. Dax Harwood
Mike Tyson is of course the special enforcer here. They slug it out to start and Jericho heads out and steals a chair from the timekeeper, but Tyson takes it away as promised. Dax lays out Jericho and goes for the baseball bat, but Tyson takes that away too. They head into the crowd and proceed to slugging it out. Back in the ring, Dax beats on him in the corner and puts him down with an elbow, but Jericho fights back with chops and a clothesline out of the corner. Dax runs to the trainer to check on his stitches, but it’s a RUSE and he uses a handy microphone to hit Jericho, before Jericho grabs a pen and gouges Dax with it. Then we get a cute spot with Jericho hijacking the camera and filming Dax flipping him off, before they head back into the ring, where Dax sends Jericho into the post and out to the floor again. We take a break and return with them trading chops in the ring before Jericho pops up with a double axehandle and bulldog. Lionsault gets two. Dax fights back with forearms, but Jericho puts him down with a lariat for two. They fight to the top, and Dax brings him down with a slingshot powerbomb, which is a move I’ve been waiting years for someone to make into their finisher. That gets two. Dax goes up and misses a diving headbutt, which allows Jericho to get the Liontamer, but Cash manages to break it up and Dax falls on top for two. Sammy takes out Cash outside, but Jericho misses the Judas Effect and Dax gives him a brainbuster for two. This brings out the Circle and Pinnacle for the brawl outside, but Tyson scares off Cash and then knocks him out COLD to prevent him from interfering. And this allows Jericho to hit the Judas Effect at 13:23 to finish. This was lots of fun. *** And afterwards, Tyson gets inducted into the Inner Circle as an “ancillary” member. Is that even a thing?
Meanwhile, the Elite do their obnoxious heel promo in the parking lot and Don superkicks the cameraman for good measure. Well at least it’s clear what side the Bucks are on now.
Meanwhile, Thunder Rosa is here to take over.
Kris Statlander v. Amber Nova
Kris takes her down with armdrags and offers a boop while Tony shares his memories of being booped by her. Powerslam from Statlander, but Nova comes back with forearms until Statlander has had enough and hits her with a press slam and legdrop to set up a senton, and she hits Nova with kicks and finishes with the Big Bang Theory, which is now called the Supernova, at 3:00. Although Jim Ross gently notes how Kris has slimmed down and gotten in better shape while away, I should note, at the risk of seeming uncouth, that DAT ASS is still the same as it was before. *1/2
Meanwhile, Team Taz promises that tonight is the night they lock down Christian.
Christian Cage joins Tony for words in the ring, but Taz interrupts and wants to know the answer RIGHT NOW. Christian tells him to get lost and declines the offer, so Taz goes off on him because he never like Christian “or his buddy who carried him”, which I’m assuming is referring to Rhino, or perhaps former running buddy Kurt Angle. So Powerhouse Hobbs decides to take care of business and hits the ring, laying out Christian and sending him into the railing before stepping on his face on the stairs. OK, now Christian has a feud and a direction, good deal.
Next week: Hikaru Shida defends against Tay Conti! It’s time to pull the trigger on Conti while she’s red hot, I bet. Also, Powerhouse Hobbs v. Christian Cage! Ricky Starks v. Hangman Page! Trent v. Penta!
TNT title, falls count anywhere: Darby Allin v. Big Money Matt Hardy
Matt brings a chair into the ring right away and immediately smashes Darby with it to block a springboard senton. They head to the floor, where Matt continues beating on the back with the chair, busting open Allin’s back. Chairs can be very abrasive to the skin, apparently. Back in, Matt slugs Allin down while we get the AEW Dark rundown on the screen. Apparently there’s a team of Stone Rockwell & Mike Magnum and they’re NOT ON TV YET?! See, now those are two amazing wrestling names. They should sell them to NXT so that someone can make use of them. Seriously, “Stone Rockwell” sounds like Sam Elliot playing a Flintstones character and I’m all about it. Anyway, Matt continues beating on Darby with the chair and sets up a chair-assisted Twist of Fate, but Darby gets the chair and uses it to make the comeback, beating him down with it until the Hardy Family heads down and puts the boots to him. Well maybe Darby should have more friends then. And indeed, the Dark Order and Sting make the save and chase them off as we take a break. Back with Scorpio Sky and Ethan Page trying to run down now, but Lance Archer cuts them off and then delivers a Blackout to Kassidy as a peace offering to Sting. So Sting throws Darby his bat and leaves, but Matt goes low and sets up the Twist of Fate again, hitting it on the stage this time. That gets two. So they fight backstage and Matt tosses Darby into the gorilla table and follows with a yodeling legdrop from a ladder and through the table for two. Back to the stage, as Darby goes low and retrieves Sting’s bat while Matt tires to retreat and has nowhere left to go. So Darby beats on him and chokes him out with the bat, then puts him on the announce table and goes up the lighting rig to deliver a coffin drop through the table to finish at 16:00. This was ALL smoke and mirrors with a million people running in and too much happening for the most part, but a hell of a finishing sequence. **1/2
Good to see they’re toning down the gang warfare a little bit, but there’s still too many characters on the show to reasonably follow. Like, what even are Scorpio and Ethan Page doing on the show right now? But as usual, this was a fun and breezy show with a HELL of an opener that was a classic tag match.