The SmarK Rant for The Main Event #5 – 02.01.91
This is the last of the Main Event primetime specials, and one which I’ve never even seen before. NBC was basically burning off their contractual obligations at this point because the product was ice cold and ratings were falling fast.
Taped from somewhere never mentioned. Turns out it was Macon, GA.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Roddy Piper
Hulk Hogan & Tugboat v. Dino Bravo & Earthquake
Hogan wins a test of strength with Dino Bravo and the babyfaces beat on him FOR ‘MURICA! Earthquake comes in and misses an elbow on Tugboat, so Hogan slams both heels to pretty definitively show who won that feud. But as usual, Tugboat comes in and immediately fucks up, allowing Quake to take over with choking. Elbow gets two. Tugboat gets dumped and beat up on the outside and we take a break, as Vince notes “we’ve got trouble here in River City.” That kind of pop culture reference sounds about right for Vince. Back with the false tag to Hulk, which allows the heels to put Tugboat down again, but as usual Hogan cheats and prevents them from winning. Hot tag to Hulk, and he schoolboys Bravo for the pin at 13:02. *
Recap of the Warrior-Savage storyline from Royal Rumble. Fucking Randy Savage, man. Hope Warrior retires him.
Meanwhile, Sgt. Slaughter is on top of the world and doesn’t foresee any circumstance where he could ever lose his title.
WWF World title: Sgt. Slaughter v. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
Slaughter claims a hairpull and then chokes him out in the corner, but Duggan comes back and pummels him down. Clothesline puts Sarge on the floor in an awkward bump, but Adnan trips Duggan and Slaughter gets two. Heel miscommunication and Duggan makes the comeback, but Slaughter slugs him down and we get more choking. Am I watching LeBron James here? SEE, BASKETBALL REFERENCE! Board to the head gets two. LOADED TOE OF DOOM follows, but Duggan comes back again and Slaughter takes his trademark corner bump. Finally he’s had enough and lays out Duggan with a chairshot to draw the DQ at 7:00. Fucking terrible. DUD As usual Slaughter looks like a chump who isn’t even worthy of being champion and can’t even beat Duggan, and then they wondered why Wrestlemania was a giant bomb?
The Legion of Doom v. The Orient Express
Animal overpowers Kato and the faces clear the ring as Vince notes that Jack Tunney will be announcing the #1 contender for Wrestlemania shortly. The Express briefly gets some offense on Hawk, but he shrugs them off and destroys Kato, followed by Animal laying him out on the floor with a clothesline. The Express are just bumping like crazy here, taking somersaults off every move. Finally Fuj the Stooge throws salt in Animal’s face just to give the heels a heat segment, but that literally lasts 10 seconds before Animal makes the hot tag and Hawk obliterates everyone. Doomsday Device ends the slaughter at 5:10. Just a total and complete massacre. *
Mean Gene interviews Jack Tunney in the ring, and he puts an end to all the rampant speculation by announcing Sgt. Slaughter v. Hulk Hogan for Wrestlemania.
Meanwhile, Slaughter isn’t particularly worried about facing Hogan.
Hulk Hogan is out for the main event interview and blah blah blah Saddam Hussein blah blah blah Hulkamania. He literally ends the promo with the Pledge of Allegiance in the most sickeningly pandering attempt to cash in on the Gulf War you could imagine, as if the US military strategy in Iraq is riding on him winning the title or something. Just totally embarrassing to watch as a fan.
This has to be the worst of the series by far, although the final SNME is still upcoming.