The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.25.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.25.93

Highlighted on the “Best of” collections new to the Network are “Best of Stone Cold Steve Austin”, which is a 3 hour and 21 minute compilation.  And “Best of the Bellas”, which is 3 hours and 22 minutes.  OK then.

Last week:  Shawn Michaels and Diesel punk out the 1-2-3 Kid on his way to the ring in an angle that sadly never pays off.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect does a promo from his home, promising to show up and kick Shawn’s ass if they try anything this week.

And, as usual for this time period, I have to go digging to find out where the damn show is taped.

Still taped from White Plains, NY, I guess.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler

Adam Bomb v. Kevin Kruger

OK, so since this was taped at the end of August, Johnny Polo is still with Bomb here despite moving on to the Quebecers on RAW a couple of weeks before this.  Also, they start doing this gag where Bomb is announced as weighing “292 and one half pounds”, which I figured might be some wacky reference to the atomic weight of plutonium or something along those lines, but if that was the case he’d be introduced as 238 or 239 pounds.  And uranium is even lighter at 235.  Whipping out the old periodic table of the elements is no help either, because the only thing close to that kind of atomic weight is a noble gas.  So unless there’s some other obvious reference I’m missing, I don’t get it.  Or maybe I’m just overthinking that half pound but they’re trying to call attention to it for SOME reason.  Bomb pounds away on Kruger in the corner and follows with a clothesline before choking the geek out on the ropes.  Atom Smasher finishes at 2:33.  Adam Bomb was pretty impressive early on but he’s COMPLETELY aimless at this point and doesn’t even have a program going on.  0 for 1.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JOE FOWLER!

Thank god, it’s the end of Mean Gene phoning these bullshit segments in.  This week’s guest is IRS, who is offering Razor Ramon a tax-free job mowing his lawn.  Also, Bam Bam Bigelow is now going after Randy Savage apparently.  Fowler was enthusiastic but awful here.  0 for 2.

Razor Ramon v. Brian Costello

Usual squash for Razor as they build up that thrilling feud with IRS, who apparently lost to PJ Walker on RAW last week.  Yeah lightning didn’t strike twice with that kid there, if you know what I mean.  Backdrop suplex and Razor’s Edge finishes at 3:00.  And Razor’s career would go in a very different direction right away.  0 for 3.

UPDATE!  WITH GORILLA MONSOON!

Gorilla runs down the wackiness of the Province of Quebec rules match two weeks ago, as the Steiners drop the belts to the Quebecers due to real life suspension.  And then the next week, Scott faces Pierre in a singles match and wins to earn a rematch for the titles, but Johnny Polo does a promo from backstage where they decide not to give them a rematch after all because reasons.  “What a mess!” Gorilla notes.  I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments.  0 for 4.

Bastion Booger v. Todd Becker

So now Bastion has entrance “music” where he says “I’m the booger man” over and over while we get sound clips of someone blowing their nose.  If we weren’t already at zero points I’d take one away.  Booger tosses Becker and avalanches him into the post while Savage notes that “he’s got heat with Crush and doesn’t know why”.  Booger sits on the geek for the pin at 1:44.  0 for 5.

Meanwhile, the idiot from last week’s commercial talks shit about WWF wrestlers and gets beat up by them as a result.  I still have no idea what the point of these commercials was supposed to be.

1-2-3 Kid v. Jack Reno

Mr. Perfect is hanging out at ringside to protect Kid from any further attacks by Shawn Michaels.  Sounds like a protection money scheme to me.  Reno gets a punch in the corner and decides to celebrate, so Kid puts him down with kicks and drops the lightning legdrops on him for two.  Kid misses a charge and Reno grabs a headlock for his big highspot, so Kid batters him with more kicks and finishes with la majastral cradle at 2:20.  0 for 6.

Meanwhile, Ludvig Borga continues touring America, which is supposed to be the land of milk and honey but now it smells funny.  Because Americans are all about filth and corruption and Luger is a garbage truck driver.  Gosh I so want to see this match now.  0 for 7.

Tatanka v. Barry Horowitz

They are of course hitting the “Tatanka is still undefeated” point extra hard at this point in what we professional writers call (checks notes) “foreshadowing”.  Tatanka with some armdrags, but Barry actually gets an inverted DDT for two and gets some offense, as we get the exchange that gives us our first point for the show!  He’s got handprints all over his tights, so Vince questions what they’re supposed to represent.  Lawler:  “That’s where he pats himself on the back!”  Vince:  “That’s not his back!”  The racial stereotype drop finishes at 2:33.  We’ve been taking racial sensitivity training at work lately so now I know that parroting Bobby Heenan’s jokes about how it’s the “Papoose to Go” or Johnny Polo’s jokes about the “Wig Wam Bomb” are wrong and hurtful to Tatanka.  I mean, I probably won’t stop using them, but at least I know now.  1 for 8.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH JOE FOWLER!

Fowler is YELLING ABOUT EVERYTHING and announces that 1-2-3 Kid will be facing Shawn for the Intercontinental title as a result of last week’s run-in, which of course was not the case.  But we get a face to face segment with them both regardless.

The Smoking Gunns v. Tom Stone & Dan Rubins

The Gunns double-team Stone in the corner and work the arm while Vince stretches REALLLLLLLLY far to finally get to “Dan Rubins is the cousin of Paul Reubens” as his talking point for the match.  Rubins comes in and the Gunns do a standing Rockerplex on him before Billy hits him with a powerslam.  Their shitty double-team piledriver finishes at 2:15.  1 for 9.  Lawler’s one funny line for the match:  “The Gunns had a fire in their bathroom the other day.  Luckily it was too far away to reach the house.”  Ha, outhouse humor.

Next week:  The Steiner Brothers!  Ludvig Borga!  Doink the Clown!  IRS!  Marty Jannetty!

And we close with a special interview with Yokozuna, and Jim Cornette stresses that there is ABSOLUTELY NO CHALLENGERS for the title, but then of course the lights go out and Undertaker appears via magic to set up that program.  Holy shit, they finally set up a real direction for something ONE MONTH after Summerslam.  Yoko gives him the BANZAI yell but Taker no-sells him and demands that Yoko bring the belt and face him.  OK, this was like a real wrestling angle and everything.  2 for 10.

I know you all were probably like “But Scott, how come your wrestling fandom was nearing an all time low in 1993 with great stuff like this show and midgets blowing up boats in WCW?” but sadly it’s true. These shows are getting so bad I can barely even make fun of them anymore.