The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.18.93
Taped from White Plains, NY
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler, and they regret to inform us that we have NEW WWF tag team champions, in the form of the Quebecers. Lawler leaves the green screen to go chase after a 6 year old kid with a Bret Hart sign, because they’re totally live in the arena doing commentary, you see. This “Lawler is missing” is off and on through the show and goes nowhere.
Bret Hart v. Blake Beverly
Poor Blake gets a jobber “in the ring to my left” entrance, lost adrift in the WWF without his brother Beau. Bret works the arm, but Blake catches him with a backbreaker. Bret goes back to the arm while Vince and Randy continue wondering where Jerry Lawler has disappeared to, but Blake escapes the armbar with a samoan drop and then MOCKS Bret’s pose before getting a two count. If there’s not a tear in your eye you’re a LIAR! Blake tosses him and Savage notes that Bret is tough, “like a cat who fell out of the Empire State Building and survived”. What kind of a cat would survive that fall? Does Randy not know basic physics and cats? Back in the ring, Bret finishes with the middle rope elbow and Sharpshooter at 4:23.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
Isn’t this guy gone to WCW yet? Gene’s guests this week are Tatanka and Bam Bam Bigelow. Gene: “Tatanka, I’ve gotta ask you, when is this feud going to come to an end? When is it going to come to an abrupt halt?” If it’s an abrupt halt then how is he gonna know in advance? What a stupid question. Bam Bam is frustrated because Luna is at the beauty parlor and he doesn’t even wanna talk about it. This was pretty wacky.
Well Dunn v. Russ Greenberg & Mark Thomas
Gotta say, the jobbers are way more impressive than the supposed stars in this match. Both guys are pretty jacked. Greenberg manages a monkey flip out of the corner on Dunn, but a second try is blocked and Well comes in with a neck vice while they discuss the impending rematch for the Steiners. See, Scott Steiner is facing Pierre on RAW, and if he wins, they get a rematch. So Vince predicts that Scott will win, which means that they get a rematch, and which then means that the Steiners will get the tag team titles back! QED. Meanwhile Well Dunn does some kind of bullshit double-team neckbreaker on Greenberg and Dunn gets the pin at 2:59. This one redefined “dull heatless squash”.
Razor Ramon v. Tully McShane
Was the wrestling world really ready for another guy named Tully by 1993? I feel like one was enough for a generation. Razor quickly hits the sack of shit slam off the middle rope and then goes to an abdominal stretch while Savage laments the technical problems involved in trying to call Crush on RAW last week. Weird, the same thing used to happen to me in high school when I was calling girls, too. Oh. Oh now I get it. Razor’s Edge finishes at 2:30.
Ludvig Borga v. PJ Walker
I know Borga hates the US, but how does he feel about Portugal? Borga pounds on Walker like a jellyfish and whips him into the corner before hitting him with punches that are dangerously low. Hope this guy is wearing a jockstrap. Borga with a spinebuster and he follows with a delayed suplex and drops an elbow before finishing with a lariat at 1:55. “This guy’s incredible!” notes Savage. NOT YET HE’S NOT. Oh wait, wrong guy.
Mr. Perfect v. Barry Horowitz
Barry takes him down with an armdrag as Lawler starts bitching about Doink the Clown. So there you go, the official moment when they ruined THAT character for good. Perfect hits him with his own armdrags, but Horowitz gets a northern lights suplex for two while the announcers set up that epic Diesel v. Mr. Perfect feud for the house shows. Man if we had only known what that would unleash on the world for the next 20 years. We could have stopped Kevin Nash at the source, but no. Necksnap and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 2:18.
Meanwhile, Joe Fowler makes his debut as a talking head and interviews the Quebecers and their newly won tag team titles, along with Johnny Polo. Jacques promises that they don’t cheat and they hate cheaters!
Meanwhile, some doofus harasses a girl at the bus stop by dressing up as various wrestlers, until Randy Savage shows up to save her. “Don’t fall for cheap imitations!” she quips as the punchline. Yeah, good thing THIS company would never have some doofus dress up as a fake Razor Ramon and try to put it on TV! Also, they literally just had an entire two month build for a guy trying to be Hulk Hogan. Also also, I wonder what specifically Vince had up his ass about WCW at this point that prompted these commercials?
Shawn Michaels v. Dan Dubiel
I’m not 100% clear on the Shawn timeline at this point, but I’m thinking Shawn was already suspended and gone by the time this aired, which is one of the reasons for the meandering storylines on this show for the past couple of episodes. Shawn slugs away in the corner and gets a dropkick. Superkick and piledriver finish at 2:40. Shawn was looking pretty pudgy and bored by this point. Can’t blame him, really.
So then Vince shills the latest edition of Spotlight magazine, with Hulk Hogan and Jimmy Hart on the cover, but strangely he doesn’t mention the name “Hulk Hogan”, instead making it seem like the issue is all about Jimmy Hart alone and no one else is actually there on the cover with him. Weird. Wonder why that was?
The 1-2-3 Kid comes out for his match, but Shawn and Diesel are still hanging around in the aisle because they’re both lazy, so Diesel knocks out the Kid with his deadly KO punch that they tried to get over for a while, and Mr. Perfect makes the save. This all ended up going nowhere, of course.
The Smoking Gunns v. Mike Bell & Tony DeVito
The jobbers try to attack and get nowhere, as the Gunns clean house and then Billy bulldogs Bell and follows with a legdrop. Over to DeVito and Billy hits him with a gutbuster of sorts. And then the Gunns set up for the their finisher, but Bart forgets to move into position first and just stands there in the corner looking stupid, so Billy just backdrops the jobber and then stands there celebrating for a minute before regrouping, at which point Bart actually gets ready for the move this time and they do the backdrop-piledriver combo for the pin at 2:20.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
This time it’s Razor Ramon and Doink the Clown in a super-random matchup that again never went anywhere.
Next week: 1-2-3 Kid! Tatanka! Razor Ramon! Yokozuna!
These post-Summerslam episodes are SO BAD. But hey, at least I can still watch them, unlike you poor Peacock bastards!