The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 12.03.99

The SmarK Rant for ECW Wrestling on TNN – 12.03.99

Just going back to these as a shot in the dark on a Friday night.

I feel like I need to reiterate again how goddamned LONG that the intro music segment is.  As Roxette said, don’t bore us, get to the chorus.

Taped from the ECW Arena in Philly

Your hosts are Joey Styles & Joel “I make ‘em holler for a dollar and do something strange for some change” Gertner

The Impact Players join us to start and of course THAT entrance takes forever as everyone has to pose a million times.  Justin declares that they’re already the ECW World tag team champions, which Joey thinks is jumping the gun, and this brings out Chris Candido and Rhino to take exception to this premature declaration of winning the tag titles.  Candido clarifies that it is HE who is using THEM, and Rhino wants a fight, which of course triggers our weekly panty-shot laden brawl between Tammy and Dawn Marie.

Meanwhile, Steve Corino is so distracted by the Limp Bizkit concert next door that he can’t even think straight.

Super Crazy v. Ikuto Hidaka

So this is quite the opener, with Hidaka hailing from the Battlearts promotion in Japan, as Gertner does his usual outrageously offensive Mexican jokes.  Crazy takes him down with a judo throw and counters a quebrada attempt with chops, and they fight to a stalemate.  Hidaka hits him with a handspring elbow and dropkicks him to the floor, and then follows with a baseball slide and springboards to the floor with a somersault dive as we take a break.  Back with Crazy hitting more chops in the ring, but Hidaka hits him with a swinging DDT for two and follows with a rana.  Another try is countered into a powerbomb by Crazy and he gets a moonsault for two and does the 10 punches in the corner, and that gets over so big that he does it again.  Hidaka comes back with a handspring into a rana, however, and a bridging german suplex gets two.  He tries a tornado DDT and Crazy blocks him and hits a powerbomb, and a quebrada finishes at 8:07.  Hidaka got over pretty strong here but this didn’t lead to anything for him.  ***

Meanwhile, Cyrus is in “the office”, with a sign listing him as “Vice President of ECW Canada” on the wall.  Sounds legit.  Still more impressive than Impact.

Meanwhile, Steve Corino shows up at a Limp Bizkit concert and finds the rampant cigarette smoking and pre-marital sex to be DISGUSTING.

Meanwhile, Raven thinks that Sandman is an abusive drunk, just like his own father was, which is why he lost his wife and kid.  Sadly, his father died before he could find a way to kill him.  Raven’s backstory was pretty fluid, shall we say.

Meanwhile, Steve Corino has made it onto the stage and cuts a promo on Fred Durst about how the crowd is a bunch of drunk stoners, which draws a giant reaction from them.

Meanwhile, Cyrus brings Jerry Lynn into “The Creative Department”, and warns him against “the boys booking their own angles”, at which point Lynn just ignores him and walks away.

Raven v. The Sandman

Joel does a bit where he’s drinking on commentary, and Joey quips “Oh man, I’ve got a drunk color commentator beside me, I might as well be on Nitro!”  Tommy Dreamer is your special referee and I’m sure that won’t be anywhere near the end of the b------- involved here given that Raven is still injured at this point.  They fight on the floor to start and Sandman runs him into the post, busting him open already.  Sandman puts a table on the railing and Raven suplexes him through it.  Into the ring as Raven unleashes the DROP TOEHOLD OF DOOM, but Sandman kind of pulls Raven into the chair and Raven has to awkwardly take a bump into it.  Another table gets set up and Sandman misses a senton as he puts himself through it, and Tommy actually lays a double count on them.  Raven gets a sleeper, but Sandman falls back onto the table and breaks it further.  So Sandman goes and brings more tables into the ring, but Raven drops an elbow right on his groin so he can do the Curly Shuffle on the mat to sell.  And then another table gets broken, at which point the run-ins start.  Candido and Rhino come in and take out Dreamer and then Rhino spears Sandman through a table, but that only gets two.  Next, Lori Fullington comes in, wearing GIGANTIC heels, and she goes low on Raven, but Francine comes in for another catfight on this show while Raven hits the DDT on Sandman.  Oh, and then the Impact Players run in and take out Dreamer and Raven goes after them, which allows Sandman to hit the White Russian legsweep for the pin at 9:09.  This was smoke and mirrors, but the mirrors were all broken.  Absolutely awful.  -*

Meanwhile, back at the Limp Bizkit concert, Axl and Ballz show up to take care of Corino, and Ballz gives him a chairshot which has the crowd going insane, and of course Corino has to blade even for this goofy angle.  It must be 1999 if Limp Bizkit is still filling up arenas.  I don’t know if that particularly led to any mainstream exposure for them, especially since it was the days before viral videos and Twitter.

This show is still not doing it for me.