Yesterday, an episode from the early days of Global. Today, an episode from the twilight year of Global. Not sure on the date, but if anyone wants to do the maths from the episode number they’re welcome to.
Gotta mention the intro, which includes a soundbite from the ugly mug of Black Bart and Tim Brooks destroying someone on the outside with a powerbomb that looks like it ended with the guy’s smacking the concrete plus John Tatum punching geek character Sebastian off the apron and him taking a similarly nasty bump through the guardrail. Well, I guess if you’ve got them on tape you’ve got to use them.
From the Sportatorium, hosted by Doyle King, joined by Black Bart on commentary
Marc Valiant vs. Rod Price
Valiant wrestled as Rock Hard Rick in the NWA as a jobber and has a pretty good look, although I’ve no idea why he’s coming out to Ride of the Valkyries. Bart rambles about how he’s actually a Von Erich that escaped the nest, and I believe Valiant himself actually used to tell people he was a Von Erich. Doyle is on his own tangent about some angle involving promoter Grey Pierson getting into legal trouble and a franchise gone wrong, blah, blah, blah. S--- like that is why the promotion had no hope, if you’re not spending your time talking about the wrestlers. An insert promo of Price waving around an envelope is played, but there’s no sound on it, and they don’t even bother cutting it off and apologising for it. Price’s quite notable hairpiece, and Chris Adams’ prior removal of it, is brought up for discussion. A lot of work around the hair before Price dumps Valiant and works him over on the outside. Back in, Valiant gets his knees up on a pump splash and punches Price in the corner for thirteen. Unlucky for him, Price gets a a chain out of his kneepad and hits him with it while James Beard is bitching him out, giving him the pinfall victory with some cheating. Crap match.
Recorded interview with General Skandor Akbar and Moadib, the Nubian Terror. I got it wrong on the last review, this is when Ak was dressing in fatigues and a beret. Moadib, who is of course the lovable Ahmed Johnson, glares in the background. Bigger stardom was ahead of him for a short time, but he was apparently getting a lot of heat in the promotion because he was supposed to be a silent killer, but spent most of his time out back chatting up the ladies and taking as many home as he could with him. Akbar threatens Jeep Swenson, which I imagine led to some brutal matches when it came to quality. Akbar really went up in my affections when Jack Victory told the story of him in World Class remarking “Here comes Missy Hyatt, the girl with the big, fat pussy! How big is that pussy, John?”.
Moadib vs. Ricky Long
Ahmed is wearing the baggy neon green Arabian trousers. Long is a pudgy jobber par excellence. He can’t get underneath a leapfrog, so they sell the collision on commentary as an attempted high knee. Ahmed then falls down on a leaping forearm shiver. Of the things he’s tried so far, the first to actually work is a dropkick. He then goes up and gets what is ostensibly a diving headbutt, but he lands with his elbows and forearms first, then finishes with a full nelson. Awful match, as Ahmed was as green as his tights, but you’d absolutely give him a job for his look and intensity. Jeep comes down to protect the fallen Long from further punishment and luckily we’re spared any “action” between them.
Recorded interview with “Fearless” Francis Buxton, who’s definitely not a crybaby. There’s nothing in his appearance and presentation that you can’t pick fault with.
“Crybaby” Buxton vs. Chaz
Buxton ironically uses I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred about three years after anyone would find it vaguely amusing. Bart is replaced by the witch doctor Dr. Baboose and Brandon Baxter. Chaz is rocking an American Heartthrob gimmick, which is a similar cheek to I’m So Sexy, but does look like he could be Art Barr’s stunt double. Buxton looks like someone spliced Percy Pringle and Brian Knobbs. He doesn’t look entirely unlike Jon Vought, either. Chaz tries to attack and Buxton cowers. Eventually he catches him, but does more damage to himself running into the corner. Buxton tries to dump Chaz, but Chaz has finally mastered the skim the cat, and does it twice. Buxton resorts to pushing the ref to get disqualified. Match was awful, but I would’ve actually liked to have seen this slightly more experienced Chaz getting some shots in the WWF or WCW, even doing jobs, because he was far more capable and had much more presence by this time.
Recorded interview with Chris Adams, which is interrupted immediately by new champion John Hawk. They do a bit of bad acting and it’s cut off quickly.
Taras Bulba and Rotten Ron Starr vs. Jeff Jarrett and Terry Gordy
This is a “legends” match, joined in progress, actually just a time-filling match from the archive of the USWA. Starr gets a butterfly suplex on Jarrett for two, but Jeff slips under Bulba and brings in Gordy for a big pop. Double punch puts him down, but Starr knees Gordy in the back and Bulba applies his notorious claw (Kerry Von Erich did a job to him with it one time to put him over). Gordy breaks it, but Bulba quickly reapplies it. Gordy breaks once again and gets the Oriental Spike and we’re out of time. What a waste of time! A bit of peak Gordy is always decent, though.
Big John Hawk vs. Chris Adams
Chris is using a version of Rule Britannia that’s scarily similar to the British Bulldog’s, probably to leech off his popularity. I would’ve stuck with I Won’t Back Down. A mess of commentary with Doyle, Baxter and Baboose having about six different conversations going on between them, plus Bart hijacking the mic on Hawk’s behalf as his second. Big slam, but Hawk misses an elbow and Adams dropkicks him out. Hawk grabs the ring bell for a weapon as Doyle actually goes into a plea for people to donate a bell to them because this one is showing its age. Really? This leads to a commercial, which is worth mentioning because wrestlers like Bart and Hawk do goofy interstitial messages along the lines of “Don’t you dare change that dadgum channel!”.
During the commercials, a corny forties era broadcast promo for the GWF. Did you know the GWF is on the air in Bangladesh, Malta, Dominica and Switzerland? S---, JBL is probably a national legend in those countries as a result of them replaying those tapes five times a day for two decades.
Back to the match, Hawk pounds Adams in the corner, but Adams gets a reprise and threatens the superkick before John scarpers. Hawk’s not really good at this point despite absolutely looking like a wrestler. He’s definitely a guy who was bad, got better, then got a lot worse. Back in, Hawk gets a flying shoulderblock and chokes Adams. Bart gets his licks in behind the ref’s back. And ANOTHER break, this one a funny prism one with no sound, then Chris Adams pushing his wrestling school. I’ll have to review Gentleman’s Choice next weekend, because that was a constant hustle for Adams, although it did give the world Steve Austin.
Back again to the match, with Hawk laying it in with a chair on the outside. Slam on the inside. It’s Pavlovian how every time he does that I’m expecting the blockbuster slam. He does the double axehandle/jump onto the outstretched foot, then Adams gets a superkick to the gut and then returns the chair shot when he goes outside. Back in, referee James Beard (who’s actually clean shaven) gets knocked down during an exchange, so Bart throws in the rope with the cowbell on it to Hawk, who then turns around and walks into a superkick for the pinfall victory. Hawk actually got his foot on the rope at two, but Adams brushed it off, so I imagine that leaves it open for another match.
Doyle King signs off by previewing an appearance from Iceman King Parsons and a tag team match with Marc Valiant and Scott Putski against Black Bart and Moadib. Black and Blacker?
The Bottom Line: Not a good show, so excuse me if I don’t rush back.
Bonus: Steve Austin and Bruce Prichard reminiscing about the likes of Gary Hart, Bronko Lubich and Skandor Akbar during their Texas days, including Bronko’s rationale on how he was safe from criticism after accidentally pissing in front of someone’s wife.