The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 08.07.93
Hey, did you know that Lex Luger is going around the country promoting America? Hopefully they update us on this development later.
Taped from Wilkes-Barre, PA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage.
The Smoking Gunns v. Well Dunn
Vince immediately buries Well Dunn’s stupid tag team name, rightly so. Well goes after Billy in the corner but gets taken down with an armdrag. Over to Bart and he controls Dunn with his own armdrags while Vince tries really hard to do an Abbott & Costello routine with Savage and it just bombs. They double-team Bart with corner splashes and a double suplex for two, and a double bulldog for two. COME ON REF! Well with a belly to belly suplex for two, but Dunn comes in and collides with Bart on a bodypress attempt and it’s hot tag Billy. He runs wild with BAAAAACK BODY DROPS and slugs away on Dunn in the corner, and the Gunns finish with their terrible double team piledriver at 4:09 as Well Dunn are, well, done. What a debut! *1/2 Oh, I know, they should give them fake tuxedos and put them with Harvey Wippleman. That’ll get them over.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE WWF MAGAZINE!
Gorilla wants to talk about Razor Ramon this week and how he was embarrassed by the 1-2-3 Kid. So then Ted Dibiase was facing the Kid on Wrestling Challenge, but he got distracted by Razor and got pinned. So this sets up Razor v. Dibiase and Kid v. IRS at Summerslam.
Adam Bomb v. Chaz Ware
Hey, nice, I can stop picking on Glen Ruth for a while and pick on baby Chaz instead. The Headbangers are truly the suck that keeps on sucking. Vince actually gets a funny bit here as he deadpans the bad news to Lawler that he and Macho Man have been interviewing for a new co-host because Bret is likely to murder the King at Summerslam. Bomb tosses the kid and then back in for a flying clothesline before finishing with the powerbomb at 2:15. Too bad Chaz didn’t pursue a stable with Jim Neidhart and Steve Austin. They could have been Who, What & Ware.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
This week, we actually get a face to face segment, between Ted Dibiase and Razor Ramon. Razor quietly psyching himself up by going “Bad guy, yeah!” while Gene does the intro is pretty great. Also apparently Razor is now representing the working people of Detroit, because he’s just a salt of the earth drug dealer, I guess.
Meanwhile, we FINALLY hear more about this “Lex Express” tour that all the kids have been talking about. I think the problem is that they just didn’t give it enough exposure so we could really learn about Lex Luger and how much he loved America and how great America is.
Doink the Clown v. Joey Maggs
Vince compares Doink to “Weird Al Yankovich”. Any man who doesn’t know how to pronounce YANKOVIC has no joy in his heart. Doink immediately cuts off Joey’s offense and goes to work on the leg, then goes up with the WHOOPIE CUSHION to finish at 1:33. At least he didn’t yell out “MY HOLE!” afterwards.
SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHEVY TRUCKS!
Gene does not want any confusion, so here’s the card! Also, Bret’s gonna chop Jerry Lawler’s head off. No wonder Vince was looking for new announcers. Also, Diesel was quickly learning the fine art of shutting up and looking badass beside Shawn, thus getting himself over bigger than WCW ever did for him.
Meanwhile, let’s take another look at Ludvig Borga.
El Matador v. Barry Hardy
Tito works the arm and gets an atomic drop and a couple of slams, then finishes with Pace with Extra Picante at 2:32, and that is the whimper that ends the very long WWF career of Tito Santana, outside of a couple of house show matches to wrap things up. So at this point Tito was 40 years old and considered completely over the hill and out to pasture. Today he would be main eventing in the Elimination Chamber and in the younger end of the age bracket for main eventers.
Meanwhile, let’s hear more from Lex Luger, as he talks about his high school sports career while we get all kinds of artsy camera angles and cross-fades in the editing. Maybe they should document him having supper too, so we REALLY get to know Luger. You can never have too much Lex Luger, I say! 5 segments per show isn’t enough, let’s do SIX!
Bastion Booger v. Mike Bell
Booger clotheslines him over the top rope right away and then avalanches him into the post, and back in for a flying splash to finish at 2:30. And then Randy Savage steals the telestrator and dubs him “The Booger King” in a sick burn on Lawler.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka are going face to face this time, although they’re not in a singles match at Summerslam and it’s actually a six-man instead. Bam Bam is skeptical about the ability of cowboys and Indians to co-exist peacefully. He’s got a solid point if 40 years of Westerns have taught me anything about American history.
Next week: The Heavenly Bodies debut! Ludvig Borga! Shawn Michaels! And Lex Luger signs the contract with Yokozuna on RAW!
And we finish with the video for “Summerslam Jam” as I’m frankly shocked they haven’t lost the rights to their own music by this point. I also have no idea how any of the songs and the lyrics therein on that album are supposed to relate to the subject matter they’re supposed to be representing.
Oh wait, we almost forgot to plug the Lex Express tour again if you’ve made it until the end of the show! That’s a relief, I almost had to go 5 minutes without hearing about this fucking guy again.