The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.31.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.31.93

Our cold open features Bret Hart defending his parents against the verbal barbs of Jerry Lawler on RAW, thus costing him a countout win against Bam Bam Bigelow.

Taped from somewhere never mentioned. I could look it up, but it’s more personally fulfilling to troll everyone in the comments who gets mad at me for not taking 5 seconds to Google it. In fact I could probably have looked it up in the time it took me to think up this paragraph and explain it, but here we are.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler and Randy Savage

Men on a Mission v. The Brooklyn Brawler & Brian Costello

Lawler gets a funny line, noting that MOM comes from such a bad neighborhood…

It was so bad, that they tore down their neighborhood and put up a slum! Man, that’s bad. And also on the subject of Mabel’s fatness, Mabel was so fat as a kid…

He was so fat when he was a kid, he couldn’t play “Hide and Seek” and could only play “Seek”. OK, two laughs in one squash makes for a thumbs up. Mo beats on the Brawler for a bit and Mabel comes in with some kind of kick on Costello that seems more like falling over while sticking a leg in the air backwards. And then he follows with a leg lariat that’s more like falling forwards while sticking another leg out, and that finishes at 2:20. Oscar is no Bad Bunny, I’ll tell you what.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

Marty Jannetty is the guest this time, and he’s got his eyes set solely on Shawn Michaels and winning the Intercontinental title back again. Yeah good luck with that, pal. Also, Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna are sick of Tatanka, as Luna does a nutty Tatanka impression and Bigelow looks like he’s about to crack up, but somehow doesn’t.

Adam Bomb v. Tony Devito

For a Baldie, Devito sure has a long and luxurious head of hair at this point. Male pattern baldness is no joke, which is why I’m glad Bryan Clark kept his hair so well maintained over the years. Bomb throws Devito around and follows with a backdrop suplex, then finishes with the slingshot clothesline and powerbomb at 2:20. Of note here, Adam Bomb appears to wearing red eyeliner in addition to his yellow contact lenses, which is an interesting fashion choice, I guess. Hey, who am I to judge?

UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY AMERICA AND CHEVY TRUCKS AND APPLE PIE! No seriously, that’s what they said.

Yes, in case you haven’t heard, Lex Luger is criss-crossing America, telling everyone what’s right about America and wearing AMERICAN Zubaz with an AMERICAN fanny pack. He’s so American he eats stars and shits stripes!

Mr. Hughes v. Jason Headings

While the announcers question the stips of a “Rest in Peace match”, someone drops off a black wreath for Hughes at ringside. Hughes beats on Headings and gets a slam, and then follows with a dropkick and a big boot and puts him away with a Bossman slam at 1:50. And of course the wreath gets all torn up, ruining someone’s hard work.

Meanwhile, over on Wrestling Challenge, the Undertaker is interviewed by Jerry Lawler, and continues threatening Mr. Hughes despite the match at Summerslam being with Giant Gonzalez. What a weird buildup.

The Headshrinkers v. Dave Thornberg & Bret Tyler

The Shrinkers destroy Tyler and lay him out, leaving him out cold, and then roll him over to the corner and make me tag in Thornberg. Then they beat up Thornberg as well and he lays there taking the beating and selling like a corpse. They give him a double powerbomb and he’s out as well, so they beat each other up for a bit and then Afa convinces them to finish the match and Fatu splashes him for the pin at 3:04. Well that was kind of a weird squash.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE!

I don’t want to think like Vince because that’s a dangerous road to go down, but his age-ism around this time was well played in a lot of ways, since these update segments were helmed by ancient Mean Gene and Gorilla Monsoon. They desperately needed to get some younger and hipper faces on there, people who would know who Bad Bunny is if he were around back then, and Todd Pettingill certainly fit that bill. Anyway, just signed, Shawn Michaels v. Mr. Perfect! And Lex Luger has to wear an arm pad. AN AMERICAN ARM PAD!

Mr. Perfect v. Glen Ruth

Speaking of jobbers experiencing male pattern baldness, Ruth was certainly better off once he embraced the inevitable and starting shaving his head. Perfect wins a slugfest and smacks him around, out to the floor, where Perfect throws him into the stairs to be a dick. Back in, NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX at 1:50. The crowd went CRAZY for this poor bastard banging his head into the stairs and getting thrashed. Hey, I just a had a great idea for him!

Meanwhile, Ludvig Borga is all about Finland. But how does he feel about the other Scandinavian countries, I wonder? Also why was the Berzerker stuck in Viking times but Borga lives here in the present? Seems weird.

FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!

Our guests are Shawn Michaels and Diesel, as Gene notes that Diesel is basically a valet who handles Shawn’s luggage and does his laundry. We also hear from Doink.

Meanwhile, Wrestlemania the Album is released in North America, having sold 100,000 copies in Britain so far after being released there, according to Vince. I would be very skeptical of that particular sales claim.

Sensational Sherri v. Luna Vachon

So as expected, this match doesn’t actually happen as advertised, as Sherri gets into an argument with Bam Bam Bigelow and slaps him, which results in Luna choking her out to trigger a brawl as Tatanka makes the save. And with that, Sherri was done and didn’t return.

Next week: More footage of that bus! Plus highlights of a match from Wrestling Challenge!

Boy, 1993 is sure the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it?