The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestling Challenge – 09.20.86

The SmarK Rant for WWF Wrestling Challenge – 09.20.86

Taped from Hartford, CT

Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Ernie Ladd & Johnny V

The Hart Foundation v. The Islanders

The Islanders are, of course, Hako and Toma from the South Pacific.  Everyone knows that.  I was going to score off Hayes for screwing that up so badly, but NOPE, then there’s the graphic and sure as s---, it’s “Hako and Toma”. And they’re facing Brett Hart and Jim Neidhart.  Was 1986 in some kind of parallel universe?  Considering we’re in the darkest timeline here in 2021 maybe we should all relocate there, with young Hako and Toma and Brett.  The Harts quickly double-team Toma in the corner and hit him with the Demolition elbow, but Toma fights off Bret and tags in Hako and everyone fights to the floor.  Back in, Toma charges and runs into Brett’s boot, but everyone fights outside and Hako hits a dive on Neidhart and it’s thrown out at 2:43.  Bleh.

Meanwhile, Adrian Adonis stops by Piper’s Pit and he wants a showdown in two weeks.

Randy Savage v. Tony Garea

Gorilla is STILL holding a grudge over Savage “stealing” the title from Tito in the Boston Garden.  It’s time for unity and healing.  Garea attacks to start, before Macho can even get his sunglasses off, and luckily Danny Davis is able to hold him back and keep the fight fair.  Garea escapes and cradles him for two, which once again shows why you can’t trust New Zealanders.  The evidence just keeps piling up.  But Savage sends him to the floor with a well placed knee to the back and follows with the double axehandle to the floor and then runs him into the railing for good measure, while we get an inset promo from Superstar Graham, still on his way back and threatening Macho Man now.  Good luck with that.  Back in, big elbow, good night at 2:01.  New Zealand is probably a made up country anyway, like Parts Unknown.

Meanwhile, Jake Roberts joins Killer Ken, and he’s pretty sure Ricky Steamboat must be stupid because even the dumbest kid knows that if you get burned, you don’t stick your hand back in the fire again.

The Machines v. Al Navarro, Tiger Chung Lee & JJ Jackson

So Alfred Hayes actually can’t read the card and has to go over and ask Jackson what his name is so he can announce it.  Bobby Heenan does an inset promo here, noting that he’s sick of all the Machines, like Big Machines and Super Machines and Slot Machines.  I don’t even WANT to know who was under that mask.  I could guess but I don’t want to engage in slot shaming.  The Machines work Jackson over and the mysterious Giant Machine clobbers him from the apron and Big Machine pins him at 1:28.

Meanwhile, everyone’s talking about Koko B. Ware, who brings his boombox with him and the interview’s audio is all f----- up because they have to overdub whatever music he was playing.  I can only assume it wasn’t Bad Bunny.

WWF MAGAZINE!  NOW ON SALE!  The background music sounds suspiciously like “R-O-C-K in the USA” and I’m shocked that they didn’t purge it.

Meanwhile, goddamn LJN wrestling figures, baby. And thumb wrestlers.

The Dream Team v. “The Rebel” Dick Slater & Lanny Poffo

Well that’s uh, quite the team.  I know we’ve harped on this a million times, but once again…so they’re in Hartford and Dick Slater draping himself in the Confederate flag is going to make him a top level babyface.  THAT WAS THEIR ACTUAL PLAN.  Slater hits Valentine with an elbow for two as Johnny leaves the booth to go help his team, as Slater continues running wild on the Dream Team and hits Brutus with a neckbreaker.  Over to Poffo, and that’s gonna be the fatal error I’m thinking, as he gets some shots on Beefcake and a sunset flip for two.  It’s BONZO GONZO and Poffo does a monkey flip on Beefcake, but tries it again and Hammer clotheslines him for the pin at 2:45.  Reasonably energetic I guess.

The Snake Pit with special guest Paul Orndorff, who is playing mind games with Hulk Hogan.

Sika v. Rick Hunter

I can only assume Hunter hails from Macross City and will jump into his Veritech fighter after the match.  OH YEAH I’M NERDY ENOUGH TO GO THERE.  Hunter tries attacking to start, but Sika hails from the jungles of Wild Samoa and is too wild for that, and chokes Hunter out.  And chokes and chokes as we get an inset from promo from this Honky Tonk Man guy, who doesn’t take kindly to wild Samoans and their shenanigans where he comes from.  Honky Tonk Man: Oldies-loving Elvis impersonator, or Dick Slater:  Confederate sympathizer.  Which one WOULD be the best choice to succeed Hulk Hogan, I wonder?  Sika finishes with a samoan drop at 3:17 and this was f------ awful even by 1986 squash match standards.

Meanwhile, the Rougeau Brothers are on a boat, so take a good hard look at their motherfucking boat.  And that’s their whole deal this week.  Well they’re still better babyfaces than Dick Slater.

The Killer Bees v. Terry Gibbs & Jack Foley

Wait, wait…that jobber seems vaguely familiar for some reason.  Did Terry Gibbs go on to any success I wonder?  Oh well, I’m sure it’ll come to me later.  Gibbs slams Blair but misses an elbow, so his friend Jack Foley comes in and gives it a try, and he quickly gets double-teamed and backdropped.  Blair puts him down with an atomic drop and Brunzell follows with a high knee.  Blair with a powerslam for two and somehow this Foley kid has managed to start bleeding.  Hopefully he doesn’t make that a habit.  Blair with a SHE CALLS IT THE REAR VIEW to finish Foley at 3:34. Maybe this kid should give up the wrestling dream and, I dunno, become a writer or make sock puppets.

Meanwhile, Paul Orndorff details the sad truth about Hulk Hogan:  Real American was written for MR WONDERFUL and stolen by Hulk, and when Hulk cups his hand to his ear, the people are screaming for MR WONDERFUL.  I KNEW IT.  That’s pretty low on Hogan’s part.

NEXT WEEK:  The Honky Tonk Man finally debuts!  And as always, saxophones out the wazoo.

This show is quite the experience thus far.  Bring it on.