The SmarK Rant for the Main Event #2 – 02.03.89

(Originally written 01.28.21)

The SmarK Rant for the Main Event #2 – 02.03.89

Back to prime time as things have been getting bad for the Megapowers in the past few months of SNME, thanks to Hulk Hogan spending the past year putting the moves on his best friend’s manager and coveting his title. Thankfully Savage finally has a chance to deal with the Twin Towers and can hopefully navigate Hogan’s bullshit and get the job done, but no doubt Hogan will make it all about HIMSELF yet again.

Live from Milwaukee, WI, drawing an 11.6 rating and 20,000 people.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jesse Ventura. Vince’s frantic recap of the Hogan-Savage saga thus far has to be heard to be believed. This is a man who was given less than a minute by NBC to make sure we all understood the stakes in the tag team match tonight and he sold the SHIT out of it.

The Twin Towers join Mean Gene for a math lesson: Three mens will beat two mens any day of the week, ipso presto. Let’s see, carry the one…THE MATH CHECKS OUT! Also, Slick lays out the three laws of wrestling dynamics: The law of the jungle (kill or be killed), the law of the land (Bossman will beat up anyone he deems fit, and if you have an attorney he’ll get beaten up, too) and of course the bit about the three mens. He’s making a good case here, I’m not gonna lie.

And then we a special video package about the “friendship” of Hogan and Savage, which I’m thinking was originally “You’re a Friend of Mine” before the WWE Network Music Gestapo got their hands on it. Vince McMahon uses this obviously doctored music video as proof that there’s absolutely no dissention between the Megapowers.

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan notes that it’s going to be love that tears down the Twin Towers. Wait, I thought…

Sorry, my bad. Anyway, Randy Savage notes that he’s full of pain, which won’t stop until the Twin Towers come crumbling down live on prime time TV. Well, let me tell you…

OK, fine, I promise to try and avoid further 9/11 jokes for the remainder of this 45 minute show. But I’m only human.

Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage v. Akeem & Big Bossman

Savage has to wear the matching Megapowers gear and color scheme, but does Hogan have “Megapowers” on HIS ass? Of course not. And of course who gets the entrance music for the Megapowers? HULK HOGAN. Never mind that Savage is the WORLD CHAMPION and the real reason why all the asses are in the seats. Jealous washed up Hogan probably bribed the sound guy in the truck beforehand to get his music played, but Savage is the bigger man and doesn’t bitch and moan about it like Hogan would if it happened to him. Hogan’s so classless that he’d probably accuse Savage of, I dunno, bribing the sound guy in the truck or something pathetic like that. Hogan of course has to start and he immediately goes and punches Slick for no reason before sending Bossman to the floor with an atomic drop, and the heels regroup. Back in the ring, Hogan rams Bossman into the turnbuckles and chases him out of the ring, where Savage gets a shot on the floor as this crowd is INCREDIBLY jacked tonight. Because of Macho Man. Akeem comes in and the Megapowers double-team him while Akeem does a funny bit where he dances while selling, and Savage comes in with a double axehandle and slugs away in the corner. Akeem is so funky that he even dances while he’s losing consciousness! Hulk goes after Bossman and gets clotheslined as a result, and Bossman gives him a piledriver. He’s no Paul Orndorff but anyone dropping Hulk on his stupid head is welcomed. Hulk fights back and runs Bossman into the post outside, but Slick trips up Hulk and Bossman gets a spinebuster for two. The heels accidentally collide and Randy Savage gets the hot tag and has to clean up Hogan’s mess as usual, and a bodypress on Akeem gets two. But then Slick hits him with the nightstick and the Towers go to work on Savage now. Akeem tosses him for a nice bump to the floor, and then Elizabeth helps him back in and Akeem throws Savage out AGAIN, taking out Elizabeth this time as the crowd shrieks in horror. And of course, Hogan immediately pushes Savage away, and then puts the moves on the unconscious Elizabeth like his name was Bill Cosby. And then he abandons his partner and takes her to the back, because apparently he’s more qualified than the damn EMTs! Go help your “best friend” you orange monster!

We follow them back to the first aid room while Hogan demonstrates the acting ability that should have won him an Oscar for “No Holds Barred”, begging the doctor to “save her” while draping himself all over her. We take a break and return with Liz miraculously waking up, at which point Hogan decides to finally do something about the match he walked out on. He finally does return, after like 5 minutes with commercials, and like an abusive husband I guess Savage is supposed to just forgive him and let him have the glory. Akeem somehow manages to fall out of the ropes and lands on his ass outside in a wacky bump that makes no sense, and Savage is in no mood for Hogan’s shit and we find out what the five fingers said to the face because Savage SLAPS him, just like we’ve all wanted to do for years. Vince doesn’t understand what Savage is so mad about. Was he not watching the match? HOGAN WALKED OUT ON HIM! The heels double-team Hogan while Savage grabs his belt and leaves. Things look grim for Hogan as Akeem hits the big splash, but Hogan makes the comeback, drops the leg, and pins him at 20:32. **

With that done, Hogan heads back to the first aid room looking for Savage, as Macho explains to Liz that he’s the World champion and he needs to be #1 as a result, and that Hogan is jealous of him. Also it’s Hogan’s fault that she’s in the bed. Hulk bursts in making crazy accusations while poor Liz is trying to recuperate, but Savage lays it on the line: He’s been carrying the team all along, Hogan is jealous and washed up, and Hogan has never asked for a title shot because he knows that he can’t win and won’t come at him like a man. HE’S GOT LUST FOR ELIZABETH, and of course Hogan appeals to Elizabeth instead of facing Savage like a man, and Randy has had enough and lays him out from behind with the belt, then pulls Liz off and throws her aside as well before beating on Brutus Beefcake as a bonus and tearing up the room while Hogan sells.

I’ve seen this a million times and it still gets my wrestling nerd heart pumping every time I watch it. Yeah, you know you want to order Wrestlemania V all over again, don’t you? As I’ve said before, Savage had NUCLEAR heat from this and you know that every accusation and crazy paranoid rant that Savage delivered here had been bubbling in his brain for real leading up to the show. Say what you will about business concerns but GODDAMMIT they should have kept the WWF title on Savage for a million years after this.

Hercules v. Ted Dibiase

Whew. Well, I don’t think we’re gonna top that last segment. Herc attacks on the apron and hauls Dibiase in for an atomic drop, then clotheslines him to the floor and brings in Virgil for a beating as well. What kind of a referee would let this nonsense….oh, it’s JOEY MARELLA. What a surprise. Herc gets a press slam and sends Dibiase to the floor with an atomic drop, but Dibiase yanks him to the floor by his neck, and gets a knee to the gut back in the ring to take over. Middle rope elbow follows and that gets two. Herc comes back with a suplex, but Dibiase chops him in the corner and blocks a blind charge with a boot. Herc comes back with the turnbuckle shots and follows with a powerslam, but he charges again and gets sent into the turnbuckle. This allows Virgil to wrap Herc’s chain around the turnbuckle, but Herc sends Dibiase into it for two. Herc gets the backbreaker after another shot to the illegal chain, but, but idiot referee Joey Marella undoes the chain instead of watching the match, and Dibiase rolls up Hercules with a handful of tights and pins him at 7:11. **1/4

Meanwhile, Hulk Hogan is busy with an icepack on his face and can’t even talk to Mean Gene about how he betrayed his best friend and thus deserved the beating that he took. So he just grunts like Frankenstein’s monster and storms off while yelling “RANDY!” and we’re out.

I mean, only two matches and neither one was any good but WHAT A SHOW. Stone cold classic.