The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.24.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.24.93

The LEX EXPRESS IS ON THE MOVE!  And Jack Tunney is debating whether Luger should get a title shot, you know, because of REASONS.

I’m assuming is from a new taping cycle but they don’t list where it is.  It’s a pretty cool setup, like a huge indoor gym with windows in the background.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Duane Gill

Duggan wants us all to know that he loves the USA and he’s proud of Lex Luger.  FOR WHAT?  He slammed Yokozuna and now he’s campaigning for a title shot without actually being the #1 contender.  That’s not exactly a mode of behavior kids should be emulating.  Duggan slugs away on Gill in the corner while the fans wave their little flags that they probably handed out at the doors to show how incredibly over Luger is.  Duggan with a back elbow while Lawler talks about how they’re going on “all those choke and puke truck stops and eating dinner with hicks and hillbillies” and Savage thinks this is a great idea.  It’s even funnier because we KNOW exactly what Luger thinks of interacting with the public and how much he would have hated that shit.  Three point stance finishes at 3:07.

UPDATE!  WITH GORILLA MONSOON!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!

Yes, Jack Tunney’s office has been BOMBARDED by faxes demanding that Luger get a title shot!  Meanwhile, on the other channel, a midget was trying to kill the top stars with a bomb on a boat, so I suppose it could be worse.

BREAKING NEWS:  Jack Tunney is on the phone with Vince McMahon, and he’s never been hit with a deluge of support like there is for Luger.  Given what we know about Tunney the cards and letters probably had to come with bribes for him to pay attention to them.  BUT WAIT!  Corrupt old Tunney stipulates that Luger has to wear a bad over his arm to protect against the steel plate.  Regardless, Luger gets his title shot at Summerslam.

Meanwhile, Gorilla shows us footage of Crush getting squished by Yokozuna on RAW, and informs us that he’s recuperating in Hawaii, and his career might be OVER.

Then we head to the Lex Express, where Lex is riding the bus (not even driving his own bus, mind you) and wears an American flag t-shirt while sitting on a bus seat that’s covered with an American flag.  Clearly Vince McMahon does not subscribe to the theory of subtlety in character building.  I’d pop if Sam the Eagle was revealed as the bus driver, but sadly we never find out.

Ludvig Borga v. Tony DiMauro

Yes, time for one of the all time great debuts, with America’s #1 enemy:  FINLAND.  Borga hits this guy with a back suplex, but he comes back with a clothesline and then stops to pose, which allows Borga to clothesline him from behind and then FINNISH with a lariat at 1:38.  This could not have been any more generic foreign heel without having him cut a promo about “My customs are different than yours!”  This was such a bomb that they had to retool the character into some kind of environmental crusader to get any kind of heat on him and then end Tatanka’s undefeated streak on top of it.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH SCHEME GENE!

This week we have 1-2-3 Kid sounding like a complete doofus, and Tatanka informing us that cutting a Native American’s hair is the most humiliating thing you can do to them.  He must be a laugh riot at the barbershop.

WWF Tag team titles:  The Steiner Brothers v. Money Inc.

So yeah, this is a rematch from last week when they did a screwy finish.  Irwin slams Scott to start, but the Steiners clear the ring and Money Inc. regroup.  Back in, Scott gets choked out in the heel corner and Dibiase beats him down and tosses him, but the Steiners come off the top with clotheslines at the same time and clear the ring again as we take a break.  Back with Rick backdropping Dibiase out of the corner, but Rick gets tossed and choked out by IRS on the floor.  Back in, Dibiase with a backbreaker for two.  IRS drops elbows on him for two.  He goes to the abdominal stretch and they switch off behind the ref’s back, but Rick fights back with a sunset flip and the ref is distracted with IRS.  Back to the corner for more abuse as Scott stupidly comes in and allows the ref to be distracted, and IRS goes to a chinlock on Rick.  But then Scott gets the hot tag and it’s BAAAAAAAACK BODY DROP on the heels and a butterfly powerbomb on IRS for two.  Rick chases Dibiase to the floor and everyone fights out there, but Irwin runs Scott into the post and Vince declares the match OVER.  But then IRS suplexes Scott into the ring while somehow staying outside himself, and the Steiners win by countout at 11:45.  Well that was a ridiculous finish.  Match was better than last week up until then, at least.  ***

SUMMERSLAM REPORT!  WITH SCHEME GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHEVY TRUCKS!

Mean Gene informs us that Lex Luger is going city to city and letting us know “what’s right about America”.  Can’t wait to hear that.  Plus Giant Gonzalez v. Undertaker in some kind of match and Bret Hart against Jerry Lawler to determine the real King.

1-2-3 Kid v. Barry Horowitz

They trade hammerlocks to start and Horowitz puts him down with a forearm before going to a headlock, but Kid hits him wit a spinkick for two.  Snap suplex and lightning legdrops follow and Vince adds that “he’s lightning quick!”  Wakka wakka.  He misses a blind charge and Horowitz goes to work on him, but Kid puts him down with another spinkick and then goes up with a legdrop to finish at 2:45.

Next week:  Luna Vachon v. Sensational Sherri!  I’m curious if this actually happens because according to records, both women had their final match of the year against each other on July 10 at a house show and didn’t actually wrestle for the rest of 1993.

The Quebecers v. Rich Myers & Tony Webb

Having used up their goodwill with the RCMP, the Quebecers now stress that they’re NOT the Mounties in their theme song, and Vince also stresses that point while introducing them.  No Johnny Polo as of yet either.  Jacques quickly hits Webb with a piledriver and Pierre gets a senton while Vince continually stresses that they have NOTHING TO DO with the Mounties in any way.  Over to Myers, but they hit him with the Rougeau Bombe and then a double kick, before Jacques puts Myers in a Boston Crab and Pierre adds a flying legdrop to finish at 2:33.  Very impressive squash win and amazingly PCO is still chugging along to this very day.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH SCHEME GENE!

We actually do get a face-to-face segment for once, with Shawn Michaels facing off against Mr. Perfect, and both guys talk about how it would be the greatest match ever if it happened at Summerslam.

Next week:  Mr. Perfect!  Men on a Mission!  Adam Bomb!  Mr. Hughes!  The Headshrinkers!  Luna v. Sherri!