The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.17.93
Just wanted something short and easy tonight. I’ll save SNME for Sunday night.
Taped from Huntington, WV
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage, who have now lost their desk from the last few weeks.
Tatanka v. Brian Costello
Sadly, Crush has been flown back to Kona and he’s recovering there after taking the beating from Yokozuna. His entire chest cavity has been collapsed! That sounds serious. Hopefully Randy Savage calls him to check up on him. Unless he’s busy, I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Tatanka gets a backdrop and beats on Costello with chops. Oh shit, it’s JOEY MARELLA refereeing this one. Way to ruin my night. I’ve heard very well-substantiated intel that he’s the WORST. Costello beats on Tatanka in the corner and Tatanka makes the comeback while Lawler trolls Vince by asking who Jim Thorpe is. Papoose to Go finishes at 2:42.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF ICE CREAM BARS!
Let us take you back to July 4, when Lex Luger showed himself to be a true patriot. Um. Ixnay on the atriot-Pay at the moment, I think. Also, Gorilla wants everyone to harass President Tunney and send him letters and phone calls so that Luger can get a title shot. And Luger’s not gonna stop for anything, and he’ll be touring the country and amassing fan support with a series of rallies and shit this is all hitting too close to home these days. Also, there’s a bus. It’s pretty nice. Gorilla was INSUFFERABLE here pushing this down our throats. Especially since they constantly brag about all the countries in the world that their show was broadcast in, and this was specifically aimed to American audiences only. Also, pretending like he had all this grassroots fan support all along is just insulting, as they literally made up a babyface turn out of nothing and then acted like he was Mr. Patriotism all along.
Adam Bomb v. Rich Myers
Bomb gets a sideslam as Vince does this weird rib on George Steele, talking about how Myers “is the son of former great Jim Myers”, which was of course Steele’s real name. This actually led to Rich Myers being called Steele’s son for years afterwards, although it then turned out to just be a weird joke on Vince’s part and apparently he’s no relation in reality. Bomb drops an elbow while Johnny Polo puts over his own hair, although he’s not really in Bryan Clarke’s league for haircare. Bomb hits the slingshot clothesline and finishes with the ATOM SMASHER at 2:30. Someone needs to teach this guy how to do a powerbomb, stat.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
Our guests this week are Shawn Michaels and Diesel, and Kevin Nash is just too precious doing his tough guy act here.
WWF tag team title: The Steiner Brothers v. Money Inc.
IRS as usual accuses everyone of cheating without actually providing any evidence. Scott goes for the arm on IRS and he hides in the ropes to escape, so Scott grabs a headlock instead. IRS takes him down with a drop toehold and Scott reverses to the armbar again, so IRS gets to the ropes. Scott had an audible “oof” hitting the mat on that one. Irwin beats on Scott, but Scott powerslams him and IRS bails to the floor to regroup again. Back in, it’s over to Ted Dibiase as Jerry Lawler talks some shit about Randy Savage’s parents. I wouldn’t mess with Angelo Poffo. But then I wouldn’t mess with Stu Hart either and I guess Lawler was all too happy to do THAT. Rick comes in and works a headlock on Dibiase as Vince brings up that “we know for a fact Ted Dibiase has a bad neck” as we take a break. Considering he only has a month left in his career at this point, I’d say that’s accurate. I don’t know why he’d bring that up here unless Ted knew he was packing it in and wanted to lay the foundation. We return as IRS comes in and misses an elbow, and Rick works the arm in his corner as THE VARSITY CLUB EXPLODES. AGAIN. Irwin bails to escape yet again, so Scott hauls him in by the tie and necksnaps him for two. Finally Ted trips him up to get the heat and runs him into the stairs and back in Dibiase gets two. Dibiase goes to a chinlock, but Scott runs him into the corner to break, so Irwin comes in and drops a leg on Scott for two. Scott breaks free with a jawbreaker and Dibiase comes in to cut off the tag, hitting the suplex for two. And we take another break and return with Scott colliding with IRS for the double down, but Scott makes the hot tag to Rick and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Dibiase tries a piledriver on Rick, but Scott clotheslines him over and Rick gets two from that. He clotheslines IRS to the floor and Scott hits Dibiase with the Frankensteiner, which had to suck for Dibiase, but IRS distracts the ref and then hits Scott with the briefcase and puts Ted on top for the pin and the titles at 20:11. But then that weasel Joey Marella sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong and tells Hebner about the cheating, so the Steiners win by DQ instead. JOEY MARELLA IS THE WORST. Match was…OK. It was really long for the sake of it but wasn’t really action-packed or anything. **1/2 They had a pretty awesome cage match on the Summerslam Spectacular though.
SUMMERSLAM REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE!
This week we learn that Undertaker will be facing Giant Gonzalez in a “Rest in Peace” match, and they hype it for the next month and a half without ever telling us what the match stipulations are.
Money Inc. are in the ring, and they bitch to Bonnie Blackstone about the Dusty Finish and accuse Joey Marella of being on the take. He’s not wrong! So they challenge the Steiners for next week to settle things.
Mr. Hughes v. Sonny Rogers
So someone delivers a black wreath to Hughes at ringside, which makes me wonder why Undertaker was facing Gonzalez at Summerslam. Hughes with a big boot and Bossman slam to finish at 1:48. Vince, meanwhile, is pretty sure the RIP match has some specific stipulations, but he doesn’t actually know what they are. Join the club.
Next week: Steiners v. Money Inc in their last shot at the belts! Well actually that’s not true but go with it! Also Vince promises a whole bunch of brand new superstars debuting, which has me intrigued now!