The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.10.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.10.93

WRESTLING CHALLENGE is coming!  Thank you, WWE Network!

I forget where this is taped from. Burlington, WV, I think?

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler.

Meanwhile, on the USS Intrepid, Lex Luger slams Yokozuna and wins a truck!  But then it turned into a bus.  And when all was lost and the storm was darkest, a helicopter of truth and patriotism landed on the carrier and Lex Luger took a stand for America and said NO MORE to Yokozuna’s brazen support for a country that isn’t America!  Because it’s the land of the free and we won’t stand for people expressing views that don’t agree with ours.  Lex’s promo is a thing of beauty, as he calls Yokozuna “a rash under his skin that became a cancer” because I guess he’s a doctor now too.  GOD BLESS AMERICA!  GOD BLESS LEX LUGER!  GOD BLESS HIS AMERICAN STEROID DEALER!

The Smoking Gunns v. WT Jones & Rock Werner

Vince notes that although Yoko declined the WWF title challenge of Lex Luger, he was forced to accept the challenge of Crush for this Monday.  That doesn’t even make any sense.  He hasn’t even beaten Doink yet!  Billy gets a neckbreaker on Jones, and Bart comes in with a monkey flip.  Over to Rock, but the Gunns double-team him with a legsweep.  Billy with a powerslam while Vince clarifies that all the ladies love Billy Gunn’s body, and they finish Werner with their fucking awful backdrop piledriver combo at 2:31.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH SCHEME GENE!

This week’s guest is Marty Jannetty, who clarifies that he will never stop rocking, rolling, strutting, strolling, slamming OR jamming for the foreseeable future.  He’s gonna have to do a LOT of coke to keep up that kind of schedule!  Hopefully he doesn’t also have to rock n roll all night and party every day on top of it.  Also, we have the Steiner Brothers, and Gene claims that he talked to Money Inc before the show.  What a liar.  No chance they’d take his call.

Crush v. Doink the Clown

Crush stupidly stands there listening to a Doink promo on the screens while the real one attacks from behind out of the crowd and chokes Crush out in the corner.  Once again, I would like to point out that my poor laptop doesn’t have a color palette capable of properly displaying the garish colors on display between the two gears here.  Doink takes him down with a Boston crab while using the ropes, and then takes him into the corner and works on the leg a bit.  Crush shakes it off and comes back with a backdrop, but Doink takes him down and wraps his leg around the post to take over again.  So what exactly is the point of those guards on his legs then?  Crush gets an enzuigiri to fight back.  Savage:  “This match is getting uglier with every second that goes by!”  Well it’s not THAT bad but yes, it’s pretty rough.  Doink hides in the ropes and Crush yanks him out, so Doink bails and runs away and then catches him from behind and chokes him out.  And we take a break.  Really?  They’re already working at one quarter speed as it is.  Back with Crush hitting the tilt-a-whirl to set up the head vice.  Doink rakes the eyes to escape that and gets a sleeper, but Crush takes him to the corner to break.  So Doink gets a clothesline off the middle rope and goes up to finish with the dreaded WHOOPIE CUSHION, but he lands on Crush’s knees.  Doink tries to run away again and Crush beats on him before following with a clothesline and a delayed suplex.  They fight to the floor and Crush hits him with a press slam, but Doink runs him into the ringpost, only for Crush to beat the count at 13:22.  What a shitty finish.  This went on FOREVER and the crowd was dead for all of it.  *1/2  But then GatorDoink attacks after the bell and they beat him down, really setting up that World title match on RAW.

Shawn Michaels v. Kevin Kruger

Yes, it’s the first official appearance of DIESEL on Superstars, who is currently clad in his rhinestone cowboy outfit rather than his more familiar black leather.  Shawn takes Kruger down and works the leg, then chokes him out on the ropes before adding a dropkick and going to the chinlock.  Vince notes that Yokozuna is ducking Lex Luger’s challenge, but “he jumped from the fire into the frying pan” by accepting the challenge of Crush instead.  That’s actually backwards, Vince.  Shawn with the superkick and piledriver to finish at 3:03.

SUMMERSLAM REPORT!  WITH MEAN GENE!

Yes, we’ve got our first match, as Bret Hart will defend his crown against Jerry Lawler.  Bret’s pretty upset at him.

Men on a Mission v. Chad Miller & Mitch Bishop

How Mabel in his giant clown pants was supposed to be a threat, I have no idea.  But Vince is certainly excited about seeing him.  They beat on Bishop for a bit and Miller comes in while the announcers clarify what exactly the “Mission” in question would be.  Apparently it’s to seek and destroy.  Mabel hits Bishop with his shitty kick and they finish with Mo’s suplex into Mabel’s middle rope legdrop at 2:44.  Not exactly an inspiring debut for them.

FACE TO FACE!  WITH SCHEME GENE!

We get words from Johnny Polo and Adam Bomb, and then Mr. Hughes, first in the long line of doofus heels who stole the urn to try and get heat.  And failed.

Next week:  The Steiner Brothers defend against Money Inc!  Lex Luger speaks! 

I guess you can say that with the Luger turn at least SOMETHING is happening on these shows at this point.