The SmarK Rant for the Stars N Stripes Challenge – 07.04.93
So I did that episode of Superstars yesterday, and commented that the bodyslam challenge wasn’t broadcast anywhere originally but was on the WWE Network, in case you wanted to watch it. YOU. NOT ME. But then one of my Patrons sent me money and asked for a review, and by the rules of my Patreon I had to accept the challenge. DAMN HIM. They couldn’t have tried to bribe me to review the four hour Crockett Cup 86 on there instead?
Just to clarify, this is a one-hour segment within the “Lex Express” 3 hour extravaganza, and I’m not going down that road.
Taped from the USS Intrepid aircraft carrier and never aired anywhere. Not sure if USA Network passed on this one or what happened.
New interview guy Todd Pettingill gets opening remarks from Mr. Fuji in the ring, and he’s not worried about any AMERICANS.
First challenge: A former member of the New York Giants, Lee something. Randy Savage is there to give him some advice, and it’s apparently “Go for a single leg like a dork and then give up”. DONE AND DONE! This is already living up to everything I expected and then some.
Next up, another former NY Giant, Joe Morris, and he’s a running back so I assume it’s not from the original baseball version of the New York Giants. So he goes for the ol’ crotch lift and gets nowhere and then leaves a failure.
Next up, a hockey player from the Flyers, so you might as well just give him the loss right now. Shawn something. He actually goes for a proper slam position but Yoko isn’t going up.
So with all those “athletes” taking their shot and failing, it’s time for a real star: MR. BOB BACKLUND. He’s representing the WWF, and the NCAA at the same time, but mostly just America. And goes for the it, and Yoko doesn’t budge. What a shock.
Next up, a jockey. No really. Savage has faith in him, but then Savage did a lot of drugs. He fails as well and then smacks Yoko with his riding crop like a sore loser. What an athlete. Might as well be a NASCAR driver.
Our next challenger is a player of football, Keith Simms, representing the Dolphins and possibly other marine life, which could be beneficial aboard an aircraft carrier. Will this strategy pay off? No. Of course not, don’t be stupid. What is he, Aquaman?
At this point, Bobby Heenan joins us to insult the crowd, and I forgot he was still around at this point. Sadly, he doesn’t try for the slam because that would make this an instant thumbs up.
Next up, Penguin player Peter Taglianetti, who is out of his Antarctic element in the heat and thus as a severe disadvantage. Yoko toys with him a bit but doesn’t move.
Finally, an actual contender (with theme music and everything!), as Scott Steiner takes a shot at it. I’m just waiting for him to tell us that HE’S FAT, but sadly it never comes. So Scott slaps Yoko around and goes for the slam, but Yoko shuts him down.
Back to the parade of C-level loser athletes, as we get Scott Burrell from the Charlotte Hornets, and he pussies out and won’t even try it. Sickening. Basketball players are the worst. Probably paid for by the Communist Party, like most basketball players.
Next up, another football player from the Dolphins fails, and Yokozuna is forced to take a break and eat a bowl of rice. Maybe some of these loser so-called athletes should have some too.
Another football player is up, and he goes for the fat jokes first, so Yoko won’t even humor him by moving his foot.
Time to wake up the crowd again, with Tatanka taking a crack at it. But first he sucks up to the fans in attendance, but that and a quarter won’t buy you a cup of coffee. So first he cheats by throwing chops in a bodyslam challenge, but then tries the slam and Yoko superkicks him down and puts him away with the legdrop. CHEATERS NEVER PROSPER. Todd reminds the competitors that you’re not supposed to engage in a pro wrestling while the interns scrape Tatanka’s carcass off the mat.
So at this point, Bobby returns for more cheapshots at the failed series of wannabe athletes and jabronis, This brings out former football great George Martin, who I assume is different from the Beatles producer, and he’s also confused because he thought it was YOKO ONO. Quality wordplay there. His slam attempt, not so much.
Another retired pigskin loser, Billy Taylor, and he’s wearing a fanny pack so he’s got the pro wrestling flowing through his veins. But he doesn’t have courage flowing through his veins because he turns around and walks away like a coward.
The parade of washed up players continues with Bill Fralic, who at least has the bonafides of working Wrestlemania 2, so Yoko gives him a leg off the mat before shutting him down.
Another Giant, as apparently they have a unlimited Netflix style subscription to football players from that team for Yoko to eat alive, and even taking off his shirt doesn’t help him get anywhere. But Todd still believes! I dunno man, the evidence isn’t exactly piling up here.
So Rick Steiner is the next contestant and if his freakishly strong brother couldn’t get anywhere I don’t like Rick’s chances. Plus he doesn’t have his magic headgear and he looks like a dork without it, so forget it. And he too cheats, hitting a pair of clotheslines and then trying a belly to belly, which wouldn’t be a slam anyway.
Back to the parade of loser footballers, with Jim Campus (?) from the Packers. Can’t really hear, don’t care anyway. He tries for the single leg and that leads to nothing. What a shock. GET A REAL JOB, FOOTBALL PLAYER.
More deadwood with the backup quarterback for the Dolphins, Jim Jensen. They don’t give out Nobel Prizes for backup physicists. He dives in for the double leg and Yoko stuffs him, and that’s that.
At this point some people in the crowd are chanting “We want Crush”, which is literally the only time I’ve ever heard that phrase uttered by real people. So he’s the next one to try, but there’s still like 15 minutes left in this so I don’t like his chances. At the time he was considered the favorite due to great hair and steroids, but after getting Yoko off his feet with a clean attempt, he drops it again and fails, just like most of his other endeavors in the wrestling business. You let America down, Crush. And Hawaii.
Todd gets really excited and declares that RANDY SAVAGE is now going to take a shot at it after hosting for the past hour, but first Bobby Heenan stops by again for demotivational words. Macho Man is UNSCHEDULED, so who’s to say if Yoko could prepare for him? HE’S TEARING UP THE SCRIPT! The Brain has no confidence in Randy, but Macho is doing it FOR AMERICA and we get a whole deal with Macho psyching himself up and feeling the spirit of the USA, but then he goes in and doesn’t even budge him off the mat. So Todd thanks us all for coming today and prepares to wrap up the show with no winner evident, but much like Trump, Savage demands a redo.
But while they argue about that, a HELICOPTER lands on the carrier, at which point the crowd starts chanting for HULK HOGAN. Haha, bunch of marks. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO DISAPPOINTED, you rubes. And who should emerge from the copter but the man that everyone knows is MADE IN THE USA, Lex Luger! You know, the guy literally on Superstars the night before as a narcissist heel with a loaded steel forearm? That guy? So in a wrestling version of a retcon, he’s suddenly clad in the flag and looking to avenge America. The crowd is more confused than anything, and Mr. Fuji points out that the contest is over and he’s too late. Well that didn’t stop another great patriot from trying to steal an election he clearly lost this past November, and it won’t stop Lex Luger! So he throws out Fuj the Stooge like a real hero, hits Yoko with his loaded forearm, and then slams him to win the challenge and kick off the greatest bus tour since Donald Trump invited a bunch of his supporters to a rally and then forgot to have the bus pick them up again!
And we end with Luger hoisted on the shoulders of the Steiner Brothers, waving the American flag in victory before actually accomplishing anything meaningful. Better get used to that for the next couple of years. USA! USA!
No, seriously, where’s Hogan?
They should have just called this one the STRIPES Challenge because there weren’t many stars, know what I’m saying?