The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 07.03.93
Oh man, it’s A NEW INTRO for the show! With cutting edge 3D graphics and everything. I don’t remember that opening at all, but now we’re into the point where I don’t think I was really watching the show on a regular basis.
Taped from Huntington, WV
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler
Marty Jannetty v. Tom “Rocky” Stone
Marty with a series of armdrags and a headscissor takedown, and he goes up with a sunset flip for two. Stone fights back with a backdrop, but Marty lands on his feet like a cat who is high on various drugs, and superkicks him to set up a chinlock. Rocker Dropper and the flying fist finish at 2:55.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF MAGAZINE!
This Sunday it’s the STARS AND STRIPES CHALLENGE, and Gorilla throws it to “those two lowlifes” Yokozuna and Fuji for their go-home promo about it. Kind of a weird deal because they were building up to the bodyslam challenge but it’s not like there was any way to actually watch it at the time. Now of course the entire thing is on the WWE Network because of course it is. Anyway, we get promos from football players who I’ve never heard of to hype up the show, which Gorilla reminds us is not available to watch anywhere. Well I’m sold!
The Narcissist Lex Luger v. Rich Myers
Nice bit of misdirection here as they completely ignore Luger as a possible choice for slamming Yokozuna, although it just makes his surprise appearance with no buildup or storyline motivation seem all the more pointless. Myers gets a couple of fluke rollups, but Luger puts him down with a pair of clotheslines and finishes with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM at 1:41 to also finish off the Narcissist gimmick.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
This week’s guests are Tatanka and Bam Bam Bigelow, and they’re gonna be meeting at some point, but we have no specifics.
The Steiner Brothers v. Barry Horowitz & Brian Costello
Rick throws Costello around with a middle rope suplex and Scott comes in with a dropkick, then Rick roughs him up with a crossface on the mat as Lawler relates a story about how stupid the Steiners are. It seems that they went to the ballet and then asked Lawler why they didn’t just get taller girls? How droll. Savage doesn’t get it and admittedly it took me a second to put that one together, too. Elevated bulldog finishes at 2:42. They were sure a lot more respectful of those guys than the usual enhancement geeks. Lawler uses the Magistator to draw Mickey Mouse ears on the Steiners afterwards and sings the theme song and I’m 100% legit shocked that they didn’t get a cease and desist order from Disney for that.
Meanwhile, on that other show on Monday nights, Money Inc. makes fun of Razor Ramon’s problems with the 1-2-3 Kid and Ted offers him a new job as a housekeeper.
1-2-3 Kid v. Reno Riggins
This is apparently a dark match from the Monday Night RAW tapings, with Jim Ross overdubbing commentary for some reason. Did they not have enough squashes to pull from the 18 hours of tapings they did for Superstars? Kid with a snap suplex for two, but Riggins clubs him down and follows with a back elbow. Kid comes back with an enzuigiri, but he goes up and Riggins crotches him and promises a Renoplex. Sadly he can not deliver on his promise, and Kid finishes him with a tornado DDT at 2:41.
NEXT WEEK: Crush v. Doink! Little late for that blowoff.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Rudi Gonzalez
Bam Bam pounds away on Rudi, but misses a charge and Gonzalez gets a brief comeback before Bigelow suplexes him to put him down again. And then he goes to the chinlock as Lawler excuses himself to go polish his crown. No, really. Bigelow finishes Gonzalez off with the diving headbutt at 2:35.
Bret Hart is our special interview this week, and he’s of course still bitter about losing the title to Yokozuna and he’s pretty sure he could do the bodyslam. Onto Jerry Lawler, who is not only the Burger King, but the DAIRY QUEEN. So Bret is gonna destroy Lawler and obliterate him and show why he’s actually the King and Lawler is not. I was expecting a Lawler attack there, but nope.
MEN ON A MISSION are still coming. NEXT WEEK. Oscar might have mentioned that in his rap, but fuck if I can tell.
Adam Bomb v. Jay Sledge
That might be the most pro-wrestling matchup ever. It sounds like something you’d see as an advertised main event on a 70s wrestling poster in the background of a movie. Despite an awesomely badass wrestling name, Sledge looks more like Dave Chappelle trying to be a pro wrestler as a goof. Bomb powerslams him and gives him THE ATOMIC NOOGIE, which would actually be a great finisher for him, but sadly that’s just a nothing spot and not the real finish. Bomb continues with a back suplex and then drops Sledge on the top rope while Lawler trolls Vince by calling Jane Fonda a true American hero. Bomb hits him with a top rope clothesline and finishes with the powerbomb at 2:52. Jesus, even Sid could do a powerbomb properly. Bomb does it so gently that he might as well have been slamming him from one foot off the mat.
FACE TO FACE! WITH SCHEME GENE!
Crush is the guest and he relates a story about someone seeing Doink throwing pennies on the ground and then stepping on kids’ hands when they go to pick them up. First up, that’s pretty blatant hearsay. Crush did not see that with his own eyes! Second, if you’re groveling on the ground and picking up pennies thrown around by a random clown, you deserve to have your hands stepped on because you’re a stupid kid. I feel no sympathy for the kids in that obviously made-up story. Do better, Crush. Also we’re joined by Marty Jannetty, and Gene is like “Man, you were pretty short-lived as Intercontinental champion, what happened there?” What a dick.
Next week: Crush v. Doink, and we discover if anyone was able to slam Yokozuna!
First episode of the new taping cycle and it already fucking sucks. That’s not a good sign.