The SmarK Rant for Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling – 03.06.82
Time to head back for a deeper dive into the mysteries of Sgt. Slaughter’s Privates.
Taped from Charlotte, NC
Your hosts are Bob Caudle & Roddy Piper
Jack & Gerry Brisco join us, back in the area, and Gerry quickly buries Piper by calling him a great wrestler who is better suited to commentating. So Piper talks some shit to them in a passive aggressive manner, but the Briscos blow him off with class and talk about what a great tag team they are because they’re brothers and they know each other so well. Pretty sure that leads somewhere if I’m remembering correctly.
Austin Idol v. Vinnie Valentino
Idol does a whole show of removing his robe and you can see who later lifted some of his act from that. Idol takes him down to the mat and works a hammerlock, but Vinnie hits him with a forearm to escape and Idol gets offended by that and takes him down with hiptosses. So Valentino does a god-awful hiptoss in response, but Idol appears to go for a full nelson and then fish-hooks his mouth instead in a weird spot. Austin beats on him in the corner and follows with a double stomp and backbreaker before stopping to pose. There’s always time to pose! Idol continues working the back and hits an atomic drop as Valentino looked like he didn’t want to go up for it for some reason, and then he makes the comeback on Idol with forearms. Dropkick puts Idol on the floor, but he trips Valentino up and wraps the leg around the post before finishing with a Dusty Rhodes-level figure-four at 6:14. At least he did it on the proper leg. Man, I want to love Austin Idol so much but every time I see him wrestle he just sucks so badly. He’s the classic case of someone writing cheques with charisma that his talent couldn’t cash in the ring.
Jake Roberts joins us with footage of Sgt. Slaughter attacking Ricky Steamboat, and Slaughter’s Privates are all over Ricky and on top of him. So Flair saves, but Slaughter whips him with a belt and just won’t stop putting his Privates out there. Finally Steamboat saves with a chair and Slaughter gets out of there so fast that he leaves his Privates behind in the ring! On commentary, Jake wonders if there’s going to be a point when someone can say NO MORE to Slaughter’s Privates. Things are coming to a head soon!
David Patterson v. Rick Benfield
So I guess they’re gonna give Patterson a bit of a push this week after I commented last time that he looked pretty good. YOU’RE WELCOME, David. Patterson takes him down and works a facelock as Bob promises that we’ll be seeing Slaughter’s Privates just a little bit later. Piper: “His Privates don’t take nothing from nobody and they go where they want!” Benfield gets a monkey flip out of the corner for two, but Patterson puts him down with a Beefcake high knee and finishes with a legsweep at 2:40. Is Slaughter going to insert his Privates into the tag team tournament? We’ll find out soon!
Meanwhile, GET YOUR BUMPER STICKER NOW! Austin Idol knows that Ann Arbor really wants to see him and no one else. It’s so random that they’d be using a Michigan version of the tapes for these. Why Ann Arbor Michigan?
Ray Stevens joins us, wearing a nice suit as usual, and he reminds us that Ole and Stan are fearless and miserable, as we throw to a tape of last week and their confrontation with Jimmy Valiant. So back in the present, Jimmy is still dancing, and he challenges Ole and Stan to a match with himself and Ray Stevens.
Ivan Koloff is also pretty pissed at Jimmy Valiant since his match was interrupted last week, and he offers Valiant a shot at his TV title any time he wants. Austin Idol calls a lot of people “Jackson” and he’s here representing all the people who wrote in DEMANDING that he wrestle on TV. Finally, Sgt. Slaughter is gonna put the cobra clutch on the Briscos because there’s three of his guys and 2 of them.
The Brisco Brothers v. Bill White & Mike Miller
Caudle notes that the Briscos are a combination where both of them have been World champions. I must have missed when Gerry won the World title. They take White down and work the arm and Jack nearly gets tied up in the Canadian flag while jumping over the top rope. Miller manages to get a tag and gets a few shots on Jack, but Gerry rides him to the mat, so it’s back to White. So, there’s no delicate way to put this, but White’s powder blue trunks look like straight up underwear. He literally looks like a dude in his underwear out there. The Briscos switch off on Miller and work the leg as Piper breaks down all the fundamental errors that they’re CLEARLY making. SELFISH TAGS, Mr. Caudle! Jack with a half-crab, and Gerry comes in with a backdrop on White and takes him down with a leglock, which Piper declares to be ANOTHER error. Also in two weeks, Piper declares that he’ll be announced as the #1 wrestler of 1981, so people should just stop voting right now because the margin is too big. HE WON, BIGLY! Brisco wraps up Miller with a toehold and gets two, but White saves, so they toss him and Jack finishes Miller off with a leglock at 5:40.
Meanwhile, you too can have one of those sexy Mid-Atlantic bumper sticker. Just send a self-addressed stamped envelope to the address, along with the following letter, written exactly as noted:
Friend calls your parents by mr. and mrs. Best friend calls your parents dad and mom.
Friend has never seen you cry.
Best Friend has always had the best shoulder to cry on.
Friend never asks for anything to eat or drink.
Best friend opens the fridge and makes him/her self at home.
Friend asks you to write down your number.
Best friend ask you for their number (cause they can’t remember it).
Friend borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
Best friend has a closet full of your stuff.
Friend only knows a few things about you.
Best friend could write a biography on your life.
Friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Best friend will always go with you.
Friend would delete this letter.
Best friend will send this back to me and all of their online buddies.
Friends Forever !
Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss
If you are my friend
Please answer this :
Are we friends or are we not ?
You told me once but I forgot
So tell me now and tell me true
So I can say I am here for you
Of all the friends I’ve ever met
You’re the one I won’t forget
And if I die before you do
I’ll go to heaven and wait for you
Show your friends how much you care
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND ( copy and paste), including the one who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you’ll know you have a circle of friends.
Send this to………….
1-2 people you are a loser.
3-5 people you are an ok friend.
4-6 people you are a good friend.
7+ people you are an awesome friend.
And then you’ll get the bumper sticker. And make a new friend!
Sgt. Slaughter’s Privates v. Ron Ritchie & Tony Anthony
Slaughter’s Privates are apparently deep into the tournament, having come out on top in Greensboro! Nelson works a chinlock on Ritchie but Ron takes him down and brings Anthony in as Piper notes that Jack Brisco had better think twice if he wants to play with Slaughter’s Privates! Sound advice there. Double elbow and Nelson gets two on Anthony, but Ritchie comes in and he’s beating on both of Slaughter’s Privates! Sadly he misses a charge and Kernodle hits a neckbreaker, allowing Nelson to go back to the chinlock again. Kernodle with an atomic drop for two on Ritchie, but Tony Anthony comes back in and runs wild on Kernodle with a pair of dropkicks for two. But then he puts his head down and gets nailed with an elbow and Nelson comes in again with his chinlock. Piper is impressed at how much Slaughter has been working on his Privates lately. Anthony escapes the chinlock, but Kernodle puts him down with a dropkick and they finish with the bearhug clothesline combo at 6:48.
Slaughter’s Privates join us to wrap things up, and they’re sick of all the whining and crying around here, which brings Ricky Steamboat out to chase them off again. He used to be good friends with Don Kernodle, but now that’s DONE with and he’s a BUM. And so is Slaughter. Pretty sick burn from the Dragon there. Slaughter’s gonna have to douse his Privates in cold water to put that one out.
Thankfully these shows are getting way better again all of a sudden. Can’t quite put my finger on why that is.