The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.19.93
And it’s the fallout from King of the Ring! Available August 12 on Coliseum Video! Although this whole show was taped weeks before it happened.
Taped from Halifax, Nova Scotia
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler and Randy Savage, who are now seated at a “desk” in front of a very unconvincing green screen so they can talk about the King of the Ring results. Randy Savage lays into Lawler for attacking Bret Hart after his triumph in the tournament, but Randy Savage himself said, on last week’s show, that he might just jump into the ring and beat down the winner and challenge them! Macho hypocrite, more like. No, I’m sorry, that was mean. He was probably just on a bad trip or something.
And we start out with the glorious sight of Hogan flat on his back while Yokozuna celebrates winning the belt. Then we cut to a promo with Fuji and Yokozuna, who challenge any WWF superstar to come and bodyslam Yokozuna on the USS Intrepid aircraft carrier on July 4.
The Smoking Gunns v. Reno Riggins & Scott Taylor
BREAKING NEWS: The Steiner Brothers won the WWF tag team titles from Money Inc in Columbus this past week!
MORE BREAKING NEWS: Money Inc. won them back later in the week and remain the champions at press time.
Man, the 24 hour news cycle is already in evidence back in 1993. Whew, this is a pretty newsworthy show already. The Gunns double-team widdle baby Scotty 2 Hotty and Bart gets a delayed suplex into a dropkick from Billy, and a legdrop follows. Billy drops an elbow, and WHAT AN ELBOW according to Vince, and a powerslam sets up the ludicriously terrible backdrop-into-piledriver finisher at 3:15. STOP DOING THAT SHIT.
KING OF THE RING REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE!
We get glorious still frames of Hogan taking a fireball in the face and getting pinned by Yokozuna, and then we track the tournament results through more thrilling still frames. This includes Bret Hart winning the fair and legal kingship, only to have the lying man-child self-proclaimed king attack him like a coward and then go something like 1-57 in court matches with him for the next few months.
Bastion Booger v. Virgil
Why yes, this is 1993 WWF, why do you ask? So like, is Virgil having to use Uber Eats to get his Olive Garden delivered these days? And do they take fuck money online? Virgil uses his array of strikes but gets pounded down by Booger and a legdrop gets two. Lawler thinks Yokozuna’s deal should be the RISING SUN CHALLENGE, but Vince is like “NO WE SHOULD CALL IT THE STARS AND STRIPES CHALLENGE!” with the same spontaneity of the McDonalds Twitter account talking about the new Chicken McNuggets deal. Booger goes for a samoan drop, but Virgil reverses into a crucifix for the pin at 2:40. It’s not like friggin’ Bastion Booger was gonna be anything but GEEZ. You beat him in his DEBUT?!
FACE TO FACE! This week’s guests are Money Inc and they love MONEY. Cool story, bro.
Tatanka v. Mike Bell
Tatanka with the BACK BODY DROP WITH AUTHORITY and he tosses Bell and follows for some chops. And science says they hurt more on the floor. Back in, Bell gets some offense but Tatanka uses the power of the wardance to make the comeback and chops him down before finishing with the WIG WAM BOMB at 2:05. This was a pretty lazy squash for Tatanka, it’s no wonder he couldn’t get the job done at King of the Ring.
Meanwhile, on that new Monday night show, Razor Ramon challenges the 1-2-3 Kid to a $10,000 match, and then Kid was told about the challenge “while in Japan” and has apparently accepted for this Monday. But he accepted off-screen.
Lex Luger v. Phil Apollo
Luger works the arm for a bit, but Apollo takes him down with a pair of armdrags, so Luger clotheslines him out of the corner to take over again. “You can’t get a physique like that out of a box of Cracker Jack!” notes Vince. I dunno, I heard the boys used to smuggle their stuff in some crazy ways! A box of Cracker Jack would conceal a lot of evidence. The STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH finishes at 2:48.
UPDATE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF MAGAZINE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
Today we discuss revenge, with the subject being Undertaker suffering said revenge at the hands of Giant Gonzalez and Mr. Hughes. Gonzalez should demand revenge on his barber for that stupid haircut.
Crush v. Joey Tempest
Now THERE’S a great wrestling name. Too bad he’s a standard dumpy jobber with boring tights. BREAKING NEWS: Next week will feature a REMATCH between Bastion Booger and Virgil! Yes, we get to see it TWICE! That’s even more exciting than Joey Tempest. Crush destroys him with the tilt-a-whirl slam and finishes with the head vice at 1:30.
Meanwhile, Men on a Mission are coming. HIS NAME IS MO AND IT IS NOT JOE. Oh my god, HIS SCIENCE IS TOO TIGHT! More shockingly, I could actually understand that line well enough to make fun of it.
Adam Bomb v. Jerry Seavey
Seavey’s gear is something, as he’s wearing neon green tights and a white t-shirt. Bomb slowly beats on him and suplexes him onto the top rope, and then goes up with a flying shoulderblock and finishes with a powerbomb at 2:10. Apparently that move is called the Atom Smasher, which is a hell of a finisher name, you have to give them that. If only Bryan Clark wasn’t shit in the ring this would have been a money gimmick. I mean, Adam Bomb, who hails from Three Mile Island and finishes with the Atom Smasher? Managed by Johnny Polo? Chef’s kiss. Would it be too on the nose to build a time machine and send a copy of Imagine Dragons’ “Radioactive” to use as his theme song? I mean, you might as well, right? Frankly they should send him back in the time machine as well because he should have been around 5 years earlier, and he could have put his kids through college going around the horn with Hulk Hogan. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to become a drug dealer. I can hear Billy Red Lyons shilling for it now. Coming to the Copps Coliseum on May 14, 1988, see Hulk Hogan face ADAM BOMB from Three Mile Island! Also appearing: The One Man Gang faces Hercules! Danny Davis faces the mysterious Mr. X! And Pedro Morales is still around for some reason. DON’T YA DARE MISS IT!
FACE TO FACE! With Mean Gene!
This time, the guests are Sherri and Luna, who yell at each other and tell each other to shut up, although once again this went nowhere after months of buildup.
Next week: Watch a replay of the Kid-Ramon match from RAW! Plus Mr. Perfect, Doink, El Matador v. Mr. Hughes and the SENSES SHATTERING rematch between Bastion Booger and Virgil! Jerry Lawler picks Booger, and since we can’t follow that one, we’re out!
Gosh, I hope that the Virgil-Booger rematch lives up to my expectations after all this hype. The world needs a win here in 2020, ya know?