The SmarK Rant for WWF All Star Wrestling – 01.09.82
(Originally written 11.24.20)
God, why am I doing this to myself again?
Well, because a couple of people asked for me to try it again after dropping the show like a hot potato 2 years ago, mostly. But also I need SOMETHING to get me the hell away from Twitter and falling down the rabbit hole of the crazy Trump lawyers posting conspiracy theories and talking about all the biblical lawsuits coming while their idiot followers PRAISE JESUS in their name. The one that broke me tonight was the lawyer who posted a video of a garbage truck emptying a dumpster in Georgia and somehow claiming this was “evidence” of destroying ballots, followed by replies from what I assume are REAL PEOPLE WHO VOTED then frantically declaring that “someone should have called the police!” Also the other lawyer who literally posted a list of PO boxes without context and claimed that this was evidence of voter fraud. Followed by a round of “HUGE IF TRUE!” replies and little American flag emojis. Yes, it’s true that there are PO boxes in Georgia. So huge.
Anyway, time for some of the most sane, dull wrestling imaginable to mellow out my poor brain again tonight before bed.
Taped from Hamburg, PA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Pat Patterson. Vince running down the card tonight at the beginning without going “and then from there!” and/or “notwithstanding that…” between matches is just weird.
DISCRETIONARY VIEWER PARTICIPATION IS ADVISED FOR THE FOLLOWING WRESTLING EXHIBITION
Adrian Adonis v. Barry Hart
I’m immediately confused because this match was a part of the last show I watched in this series, the January 2 82 one. Unless they’re just doing another squash with the same jobber. Barry Hart is of course a very young and pudgy Barry Horowitz, and Adonis takes him down with a short arm scissor and rolls him around the mat. Adrian grabs a headlock and runs Barry into the corner with it, and then adds a gut wrench and works the leg a bit. A shot to the gut puts Barry on the floor and Adonis tosses him back in again for a nice belly to belly and adds an elbow to the back of the neck and a powerslam, plus a really nasty move where he pulls Barry’s neck along the ropes. Another knee and another powerslam get two, but Adonis picks him up and finishes with Good Night Irene at 6:05. That was a LONG squash and was just a bunch of moves strung together without any particular reason by Adonis. 0 for 1. And once again, we get the drama of Adonis being forced to come back in and awaken his fallen opponent, lest the circulation never return to his brain and permanent damage result. I know it was only 1982 but I’m pretty sure medical science had figured out that blood doesn’t LITERALLY stop flowing to the brain even after the sleeper is released.
Pedro Morales v. Larry Dee
So last week, Pedro suffered a devastating suplex on the concrete at the hands of Greg Valentine, but he’s back already and this jobber is such a geek that even Vince and Pat are immediately burying him on commentary. “Making his first appearance here on All Star Wrestling, and he doesn’t move very well, does he?” And this was 30 seconds into the match! I’d laugh if he became anything in the future, but I can’t find any information on him so I assume he’s nothing. Dee kind of flails around as Pedro no-sells him and takes him down with a hammerlock, and then adds a slam while Vince continues passive-aggressively kicking this poor doofus while he’s down, and Pedro finishes with the crab at 3:35. 0 for 2.
Pat Patterson chats with Pedro and he was pretty sure Pedro was gonna be out for a while after getting dropped on his head on the concrete last week. But he’s tough, so he’s back this week. Way to kill THAT angle. Pedro confirms that he was rushed to the hospital and “he only had a sprain”. Furthermore, Valentine can “suplex me one time, two time, three time!” and he’ll keep fighting. Yeah, but what if he suplexes Pedro FOUR times? Then it’s GAME OVER, I bet. Jesus, listening to Pedro and Pat out there stumbling over the English language together is breathtaking stuff. And it just keeps going as Pedro forgets his point a couple of times and then yells for Valentine to come get him. This does not happen, sadly. This was really, REALLY bad. 0 for 3.
Tony Atlas v. Davey O’Hannon
O’Hannon, pasty white jobber du jour, does some posing to start, so of course Atlas shows him up. So they run the ropes and Atlas tries a leapfrog, but can’t clear the guy’s head and nearly smashes his junk into his skull before landing on his feet. So he tries it AGAIN, realizes once again that he isn’t gonna clear that bar, and adjusts to an awkward dropkick instead. O’Hannon bails while Patterson notes “Now there’s the man that should be called the Body! Because he’s got it!” And then Vince kindly gives Pat a few seconds to follow up on his own with no punchline seemingly forthcoming, before clarifying for him with “…as opposed to Jesse the Body Ventura, I assume?” Oh man, as an announcer Pat makes a fine first Intercontinental champion. O’Hannon takes over with a back elbow, meanwhile, but makes the mistake of running Tony’s head into the turnbuckles, which is of course a mistake because his head is too hard. Atlas takes him down wit a slam, but O’Hannon just chokes him out, so Atlas sends him to the floor with a monkey flip. Back in, O’Hannon works on the back while Atlas does this goofy selling, but he fires back and slugs O’Hannon down and then finishes with a press slam at 7:31. An overly long squash, but O’Hannon actually was a competent worker here and this was perfectly serviceable match. 1 for 4.
AUSTRALIAN RULES TAG TEAM MATCH: Tony Garea & Rick Martel v. The Unpredictable Johnny Rodz & Jerry Johnson
Really? The jobbers are “Rodz and Johnson”? Anyway, this is advertised as an “Australian Rules” tag match, but I have evidence, so much evidence, that Tony Garea is actually from NEW ZEALAND. I’m gonna file a biblical lawsuit in Georgia to expose this fraud. In two weeks. #ReleaseTheKraken Garea controls Rodz with armdrags and a dropkick while Vince is throwing out softballs to Patterson for talking points. “I believe Mr. Garea was a five time tag team champion, was he not?” Patterson: “He held it once with Haystacks Calhoun!” This man is terrible at his job. The jobbers hold Garea in a nerve pinch and switch off behind the ref’s back, as Vince is pretty sure they couldn’t have actually made that tag. To be fair, the camera didn’t actually see them cheating. So they might have. Luckily Garea escapes this and makes the hot tag to Martel, who runs wild on Rodz with dropkicks and cranks on a headlock, but runs into a knee to the gut before Rodz beats on him with forearms. Martel whips him into the corner and Rodz takes a pretty dangerous bump to the apron, and then does a clown sell as the babyfaces beat on him in the corner while he tries to find his partner. So it’s over to Johnson while Rodz goes to the top rope to support his partner, but he falls off and manages to tie himself in the ropes. OK, that was funny. Meanwhile the babyfaces keep working on Johnson and Garea finishes him off with a dropkick at 8:39. Using the Trump Precedent, Rodz denies the result and declares himself the victor, but three recounts of Georgia later and the other team is still the winners. This was pretty good, actually. 2 for 5.
Greg Valentine v. Jeff Craney
Interestingly, Valentine is managed by the Grand Wizard at this point, which means Greg went from the Wizard to Lou Albano to Jimmy Hart to Johnny V and finally back to Jimmy Hart again as managers over the next 5 years. Kind of a managerial hussy. Another great moment as Vince makes some point at the beginning of the match and Pat spaces out and then goes “Sorry, Vince, I wasn’t paying attention, what did you say?” Can you even imagine Vince’s reaction if someone did that today? I think he would literally explode at the gorilla position. Valentine beats on Craney and hits the backdrop suplex, and finishes with the figure-four at 3:15. 2 for 6.
Next week: Bob Backlund! Jesse Ventura! Fuji & Saito!
I mean with 2 points I guess this was technically the best episode of the show I’ve ever seen?