The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 06.05.93
Taped from Worcester, MA, hopefully for the last time so we can get to a fresh set of tapings.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler
OH SNAP, Papa Shango has ominous words for Bret Hart on the big screen and BURNS AN EFFIGY of Bret, in magazine form! SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!
Bret Hart v. Papa Shango
Has anyone ever explored the legal ramifications of Steve Austin stealing the “smoking skull” motif from Papa Shango? I mean, the man literally carried a smoking skull to the ring, and I’m pretty sure Austin isn’t paying him any royalties for it. Shango attacks to start, but Bret goes behind and tries a rollup, only for Papa to turn it into a sideslam. Oh man, the little girl that Bret gave his glasses to is gonna be in tears now! Wait, never mind, those are just the usual tears in the eyes of Bret’s fans. Shango pounds away in the corner, but Bret gets a sunset flip for two as we take a break. Back with Shango holding a chinlock, and thankfully the girl is wearing sunglasses now so that she can’t see the ass-whooping that Bret is taking here. Shango drops a headbutt and goes for the voodoo stick, but the ref somehow convinces the 6 foot tall tattooed voodoo monster that it’s just not worth the DQ. That’s some powerful rhetoric. Bret comes back with the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Shango hits him with the shoulderbreaker and you know Bret is fucked now. Sadly, he goes for an elbow, but he’s blinded by TEARS IN HIS EYES for Bret, and misses, allowing Bret to finish with the Sharpshooter at 8:51. You would think that Bret might turn it up a notch to build up his big PPV appearance a week later, but nope, he might as well have been calling moves through a Zoom meeting here.
Meanwhile, the Steiners are playing Royal Rumble on Super Nintendo. Surprised someone hasn’t tried to Kickstarter a revival of THAT series.
The Headshrinkers v. Tim McNeany & Scott Taylor
Afa has a pineapple attached to his face for no adequately explored reason. Samu beats on Taylor and they double-team him in the corner, and then Fatu hits McNeany with a superkick on the way into the ring. Faceplant and Fatu finishes with the flying splash at 2:00. And then poor Scotty, future multiple time tag team champion, gets laid out by a pineapple to the head. Well they can be very abrasive to the skin.
FACE TO FACE! WITH MEAN GENE!
This week, we’re chatting with Hacksaw Duggan, who will not be pushed around by Bam Bam Bigelow. Also, Razor Ramon thinks it’s fitting that they’re in the Nutter Center for King of the Ring, because Bret is gonna be a NUTTER loser and a NUTTER grease spot on the mat. But then Mean Gene gives us a SHOCKING SURPRISE cut-in by Bret Hart, who has words for Razor in response, but Razor reiterates that he’s “6 foot 6 and more handsome than 10 movie stars”. Too bad he became such a watered down doofus after he turned because Razor’s arrogant heel promos are the only good thing about these Face to Face trainwreck segments.
Kamala v. Phil Apollo
So Slick is now gone, never to return, and Vince points out that Slick has taught Kamala everything he needs and now he’s no longer needed. Sure, Jan. Kamala works the exact same match as he always does, except to less reaction, and finishes with the splash at 2:40.
Meanwhile, 1-2-3 Kid just can’t accept Razor Ramon’s latest offer of $5000 for the rematch. And then Eric Bischoff called and offered him a guaranteed deal of $7500, I heard.
Lex Luger v. Jason Knight
Man, talk about a battle of narcissists. Luger pounds on Jason and puts him down with a back elbow and then finishes with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH at 2:25. Vince notes that he’s “one of the great mesomorphs of our time”. I’ve known better mesomorphs.
Meanwhile, Randy Savage visits an elementary school and he’s just awesome. You can tell that he just lived for doing this stuff and it just makes me an even bigger fan of him watching him interact with the kids. I know he wanted to keep going as a wrestler and I’m glad working for WCW allowed him to extend his career, but he was doing so much good in his role at this point and part of me wishes he would have stayed behind the desk and acted as goodwill ambassador for years to come.
Mr. Hughes v. Russ Greenberg
You can tell we’re at the end of the taping because this crowd is DEAD and they’re not even bothering with the sweetening. Hughes beats on him and finishes with the Bossman slam at 2:00.
KING OF THE RING REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!
Hulk Hogan promises that it’s going to be the shot heard round the world when he slams the “500 pounds of sushi” and then he’s going to sick Jimmy Hart on them because the world is watching the show. A very disappointing percentage of the world, judging by the buyrate. So I guess this was basically the last we saw of Hulk Hogan on this show, unless we count the recap of the PPV next week.
The Smoking Gunns v. Dale Wolfe & Gus Kantarkis
Vince wants to stress that the Gunns are REALLY cowboys. Unlike all those other cowboys on the OTHER channel, I guess? Perhaps he should write a strongly worded letter to Ted Turner about presenting fake cowboys. Bart finishes with another fucked up backdrop into a piledriver at 2:30. STOP DOING that move, you clods. They’ve had two squash match appearances so far and they’ve fucked up their own finisher twice now.
FACE TO FACE with Mean Gene!
Crush and Shawn Michaels, brudda brudda brudda, blah blah blah.
Next week: Money Inc! Undertaker! Steiner Brothers! Yokozuna!
I suppose I’ll redo King of the Ring when we get there, just because it’s felt like we’ve been building to it for A MILLION YEARS on these episodes anyway.