The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 01.29.96
(Originally written December 2014. And while normally I delete my assorted ramblings from the time, oh man did I ever remember this one…)
Woke up at 2:00AM this morning feeling like my wife was punching me in the kidneys, and while that was not something that would out of the ordinary, it was not her in this case. Three hours later in the ER, I discovered that I’ve reached the special age where I start getting into troubles like kidney stones. And they fucking HURT. Like someone squeezing your nut until you want to puke on the floor. (Addendum from 2020: About a month after the stones, I had complications with a bladder infection that was caused by the aftermath of passing them, and JESUS CHRIST do you not want to deal with that, either. Thankfully both were a one-time deal because I never want to go through either one again.)
Still better than watching RAW these days, though. (Still as true as ever.)
Taped from Stockton, CA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Jerry Lawler
The British Bulldog v. Diesel
Who would possibly want to do a rematch of one of the biggest PPV main event disasters in the history of the company? Diesel quickly throws elbows in the corner, but Bulldog takes him down in the corner and goes to work on the leg. He pounds away and Yokozuna joins us at ringside while we take a break. Back with Bulldog holding a half-crab and choking Diesel out on the ropes. Bulldog continues with the clubbing forearms while Diesel sells the leg and bails to the floor, but Yoko puts him back in. Diesel comes back with Snake Eyes, but Yoko sneaks in behind the ref’s back and accidentally drops the leg on Bulldog, allowing Diesel to get the pin at 8:13. Vince is like “Give credit to Big Daddy Cool!” For what? Moving out of the way when a slow-motion Yokozuna tried to legdrop him? *1/2
Billionaire Ted calls a press conference to explain his motives for trying to put the WWF out of business which turns into a ridiculous name-calling tirade, as the “reporters” accuse WCW of somehow using predatory business practices by putting Nitro on at the same time. And then Huckster notes that his contract states that “he never loses”, when in fact at the same time Hogan was jobbing to a woman’s shoe on Nitro. And they also have the balls to put Eric Bischoff’s letter on screen, smugly hiding behind their right to parody and free speech. And it would get WORSE.
The Bodydonnas v. The Godwinns
So all of a sudden, both the Bodydonna and Godwinn gimmicks are tag team acts. Skip’s new partner Zip is of course a repackaged Tom Pritchard, clearly the guy you think of when you hear “fitness guru”. The Bodydonnas double-team HOG, but he quickly makes the hot tag to Phineas, who finishes Skip with the Slop Drop at 2:18. I guess you could call it a successful repackage in that the Godwinns stuck around for a long time. DUD
Rowdy Roddy Piper joins us in his new position as President while Gorilla is away on Vader-induced leave, and he gives a crazed speech about nothing and then finishes with an airplane spin on Vince.
And now, MANKIND cuts a promo from the shadows.
Yokozuna v. Shawn Michaels
Vince and his “whoa ho ho!” reaction to Shawn stripping gets creepier every week. Vince notes that Shawn has never backed down from a challenge from anybody. Except for the nine times he vacated titles without losing them in the ring. Or the time someone asked him to take a drug test and he left the promotion for months. But that one kind of crosses over with the first one anyway. Shawn slugs away to start and puts Yoko on the floor, then stops to high five everyone in the front row as we take a break. Back with Yoko missing a corner splash, as Shawn follows with a moonsault press for two. Yoko dumps him to the floor and runs him back-first into the post, and we get a lengthy nervehold before taking another break. Back with Shawn missing a flying splash, but making the comeback regardless. Two flying forearms put Yoko down, but Shawn goes up and gets caught in the corner. Owen runs in, but misses a heel kick, and Shawn finishes with the superkick at 11:44. Rough night for Yokozuna. ***
Next week: Shawn & Diesel v. Yokozuna & Bulldog, plus Bret Hart v. Undertaker!
Eh, it was better than kidney stones.