The SmarK Rant for Talk N’ Shop a Mania 2 – RISE OF THE COCK TORTURER! (11.13.20)

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The SmarK Rant for Talk N’ Shop A Mania 2 – RISE OF THE COCK TORTURER!

(Originally written 11.14.20)

So last time, Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson managed to put on an actual PPV from Luke’s backyard, free from the creative shackles of WWE, and it was pretty wacky.  But apparently enough people actually bought the show (for some reason) that they could justify a sequel.  Ending with the classic final battle between Sex Ferguson and Chad 2 Badd in the epic BONER-YARD MATCH, we were left with a tease of The Cock Torturer, and now we get the payoff, I’d assume.

Taped from Luke Gallows’ palatial 8000 square foot Georgia compound.

Your hosts are the Good Brothers & Rocky Romero, with Luke Gallows in CGI hologram form because he’s so rich and doesn’t want to leave his bedroom, plus intrepid reporter Clint Bobski running down the card.  And he really runs it down, complaining that he was picked up in a group Uber and anyone who orders this piece of shit PPV, which is almost as bad as that Manny Fernandez show he promoted in 1982, gets what they deserve.

Karl Anderson pulls up in his ride, pissed off because they’re doing another show in the same fucking place, followed by Rocky Romero in his rental Hot Wheel, and they’re pretty sure this is gonna be worse than the first show.

So they find Doc Gallows in bed with his wife and a mannequin, welcoming us to the SECOND WORST PPV OF ALL TIME.  “Enjoy the cul de sac, I had it specially built so you’d have somewhere to sit.”

Earlier today:  Sex Ferguson pulls up for the show in his custom “Fuck Yeah Buddy” truck, but the maniacal forces of RETRI-POO-TION attack him, smelling of literal shit, and kick him square in the balls, leaving him at a major disadvantage for the “Ball for a Ball” main event against Chad 2 Badd tonight.

Rapid Delivery Rory Fox & Rimjob v. Swoggle & Brian Myers

So we’re off to a fantastic start, as Fox heard about all the women who ordered the first show based on his bulge, and immediately takes off his trunks so we can “bask in his package”.  This brings out Brian Myers, who sadly couldn’t bring Matt Cardona with him due to the promoters not having enough money, and he points out that’s shocked Rory even knew where the hard camera was because he never works TV.  Rimjob is apparently the next best thing to Naked Mideon, who was unavailable, so instead we get a nearly naked masked Kimchee as Fox’s partner.  Myers immediately tries a Broski boot on Fox and misses while the announcers bitch that Cardona is trying to get into AEW so bad that he didn’t want to do this show.  And then they expose the business for fun, pointing out that they had to do multiple takes of the match because Rory kept missing the spot.  Swoggle hits a flying splash on Rimjob for the pin at 2:23.  And then sadly Rory turns on his partner afterwards with a NAKED BELLY TO BELLY and then runs into the woods and returns with a foreign object.  But he makes sure to stop and turn around and run through the entrance again so he can get entrance music and a graphic. If this doesn’t immediately result in Rory Fox getting a spot in WWE developmental, then…well, that would make sense.

Meanwhile, Wrestling Detective Gregory Helms has discovered a body, right where he happens to be standing.  And everyone is suspect, especially interviewer Rocky Romero.

Special Grudge Match:  Frankie Coverdale v. Freight Train

Train is of course managed by his advocate Ball Lameman, who is taking a break from getting put over as a genius by Tommy Dreamer on Twitter.  Train hits Coverdale with devastating rights and shrugs off Coverdale’s offense (“If he didn’t sell for Kozlov he’s not gonna sell for this guy”) and hits a “running” forearm to knock Coverdale clean out cold for the pin at 1:50.  The announcers decide that they’re gonna talk to him about maybe trying a little bit harder in his matches.

Meanwhile, Wrestling Detective Gregory Helms interviews his first suspect, the duck hunter referee.  And another word for hunting is MURDER.

Meanwhile, Chavo Guerrero and Chico El Luchador go over their family rivalry in advance of their LUCHA LIBRE DEATH MATCH, where the loser is the first person to actually die.  Now those are the kind of stakes you just don’t see on mainstream wrestling PPVs.

Meanwhile, Gregory Helms has questions for people by the pool, but they get murdered before he can finish his questions.

ROLL UNDERSHED:  The announcers clarify that these fights are real and the other ones are fake, as Teddy Long introduces their wholly original fight club knockoff concept.  Sadly this joke is already dated as the thing they’re mocking has already been dropped without any explanation or mention. So it quickly turns into a donnybrook if Karl has ever seen one and Lazer dives off a tree onto everyone while Teddy Long declares it the worst shit he’s ever seen in his entire life.  But he’s getting paid, so keep on doing that shit!  And then Rhyno randomly shows up and gores everyone, but Tommy Dreamer and Justin Credible show up and attack him.  Rhyno offers a truce:  They’ve been doing hardcore stuff for 25 years, so Tommy declares it’s time to go SOFTCORE.  So they hit each other with stuffed animals while the jobbers chant “They’re softcore!” and the announcers point out that Gallows booked this idea while high on CBD oil.  And then Justin lays down and Tommy pins him, declaring “I WENT OVER!” triumphantly.  But then Scott D’Amore shows up and chokes out Tommy for the final win, pointing out that anyone who has been in a booking meeting with Tommy would understand why he’d want to do it.

Probably still better than RAW Underground.

Meanwhile, Gregory Helms finds more suspects.

Meanwhile, Nature Boy Paul Lee and his team of Circumcision (Triple Huh, Nathan Orton and Mike Knox-Tista) make a dramatic slow motion entrance after parking the limo a mile away.  The announcers wonder when this fucking show is going to be over, but CGI Gallows points out that it won’t end until he runs out of money.  Which will be never!

Meanwhile, Triple Huh wanders into the woods and finds Mark Jindrak, who now speaks Spanish after years in Mexico, and takes his revenge, in dropkick form, for getting left by them to die years ago and replacing him with Batista.

Nature Boy Paul Lee v. George North

Lee of course brings Mike Knox-Tista with him as backup.  Lee has “WOOOOOOOOO” on his ass, because Karl points out that the real Flair only owns the trademark to 5 “O’s”  That’s why they have lawyers, to keep track of that shit!  Lee grabs the headlock, but thankfully North escapes and clotheslines Lee to the floor while the announcers argue about what the fake Evolution’s name is and then remember that the song said “Circumcision”.  Lee with a backdrop suplex and gets two off that.  Lee does a strangely familiar flip in the corner and gets slammed off the top while the announcers point out that it only took him one take.  But then he gets the figure-four and looks to finish, but midget wrestler Stump Kowalski runs in with a chair, which changes to a baseball bat on the camera angle change, and he hits Lee to put North on top for the pin at 5:05.  Sadly, the Circumcision team falls apart immediately afterwards, as Knoxtista turns on him with the Knoxtista bomb and then Nathan Orton delivers a devastating punt to finish him off.

Meanwhile, Gregory Helms learns about finding love online, and his suspect gets away. Then he finds Robert Gibson selling gimmicks outside the house, but the only thing suspicious is that Ricky Morton isn’t there with him.

LUCHA LIBRE DEATH MATCH:  Chavo Guerrero v. Chico El Luchador

The show is so big that we go to our second location, in a warehouse in Los Angeles.  So they pick teams, and Alex Kozlov is so old-school Russian that he’s packing heat.  “Hey, he’s got a gun!”  “Yeah, it’s a death match.”  “Oh yeah, I forgot.”  Chico makes a call and gets JTG, but Chavo picks the referee for his team.  And the ref checks the rules to verify that this is in fact legal.  Chico chooses the brain-eating zombie, so Chavo chooses evil clown Sinn Bodhi (who is my Facebook friend!).  Sadly Chico is still short and doesn’t have anymore friends, but luckily a comedian from America’s Got Talent lives upstairs and happens to be a wrestling fan.  And also happens to be wearing a Roppongi Vice shirt.  And he happens to have a rusty knife in his pocket, so that’s handy.  Sinn literally makes JTG eat his shorts and even manages to pull JTG’s underwear out through his mouth!  The referee holds his own with a luchador, but falls victim to the brain eating zombie.  And then Taya Valkyrie breaks some dude’s neck and rips his spine out.  Poor Alex Kozlov is forced to brutally beat his own mother, but the zombie corrects him on proper mask usage, so Alex turns on his own partner and tries to murder him with an AK-47.  Sadly, the zombie is already dead and survives to bite Kozlov, finishing him off as well.  Chavo makes his big comeback, but he starts coughing and everyone is like “WHOA WHOA WHOA, what kind of a cough is that?”  But Chico is satisfied that it’s not corona, even though he was riding motorcycles in Sturgis last week, and proceeds with the final showdown to the DEATH.  Chico is left alone, but there’s only two things guaranteed in life:  Death, and Ric Flair never paying his taxes.  So JTG returns and blows up everyone with a rocket launcher, but Chavo returns and apparently stabs Chico to win at 10:00.

Meanwhile, Chico wakes up in a cartoon with Chad 2 Badd and Sex Ferguson, with special guest Enzo Amore and a huge dildo, but we head back to the warehouse, where Taylor the comedian makes the comeback and orders a light saber from Amazon Prime and then literally murders Chavo.  He worked himself into a shoot apparently.

Meanwhile, Gregory Helms finds Air Paris, 20 years after the last Nitro, and that’s pretty suspicious.  But then Marty Jannetty apparently jumps Helms from behind and throws him through the coincidentally placed barbershop window.

BALL FOR A BALL MATCH:  Chad 2 Badd v. Sex Ferguson

The training montage alone with worth the price of the PPV, as they both work out their ballsacks and Chad reveals that in fact he’s in charge of Retri-poo-tion.  IRONING BOARD!  CORN ON THE COB!  COCKSUCKER!  Chad tries to make the epic casket entrance, but the driver is one of Gallows’ minions and drives off in the hearse, sending him flying out the back.  Sex’s entrance is interrupted by Retri-poo-tion, but luckily he’s got the whole Ferguson family in the truck to help him, even though they’re so fucking fat that they can barely get out of the truck.  We get some quality trashtalk (“I’m gonna rip your nutsack off and shit on it!”  “No, please don’t!”) and they stop for a cheapshot at my boy Ed Koskey, who I guess must have come up with Retribution judging by this.  They exchange ballshots with cameos from Triple Huh and Mordecai, but Sex gets caught in his sex swing and Nick Mondo is about to run a weed wacker on his balls, but Rocky Romero stops the match because they don’t have insurance for this.  And then the wives come back from their movie, which gives Chad the chance to kick Sex in the balls a few times.  But Gangrel makes a cameo and spits blood at Chad’s balls, which turns the tide, and Sex does the wind-up punch and makes the comeback with a taser to the balls.  The end appears to be near as Chad ties Sex’s dick to a nearby truck and gets ready to drive off, but the “It’s still real to me” guy stops by and they argue about who booked him.  Sadly, the truck runs over the referee’s wife, preventing any nuts from getting ripped off, and a zombie attack takes out both guys, before Wolfpac Stang and Mr. Hughes show up and stomp on their crotches a bunch of times.  “I used to watch you on TV when I was a kid and now you’re stepping on my fucking ballsack!”  Scott Steiner also stops by to bury both guys for booking themselves in this stupid match and rips their balls off, but it’s OK because their wives are ugly anyway so they’re not going to be missing anything.  And so the winner is the Cock Torturer, who sent all the cameo appearances to torture the two main eventers.

And then we cut to the Cock Torturer and his Cock Torturer World Order group celebrating with a big dinner.  TO BE CONTINUED.  MAYBE.

And then we get credits cameos, as Bryan Alvarez buries the PPV and Matt Cardona shows up to challenge Rory Fox to a $1000 match for the next show, if it happens.

So yeah, this was something all right.  This was like two straight hours of the wackiest BTE fever dream skits and it was HILARIOUS.  But it was also a lot of a lot, as the kids say, so your mileage may vary.  It’s definitely worth $15 for all the inside baseball references and random cameos alone, though.