The SmarK Rant for WWE Velocity – 02.08.03
I know, I hate watching it and you hate reading it, but there’s only 2 episodes left in the Network’s super-random 10 episode drop and we might as well finish it off and be done with it and then I can go back to Mid-South or whatever for my 43 minute review fix. Look at it this way, it could always be WWF All Star Wrestling from 1981 again. DON’T THINK I WOULDN’T DO IT.
OK then. Glad we got that settled.
Random thing that blew my old man mind this week: I can use the touch controls on my Bluetooth headphones to pause and un-pause the video on the Network when I’m watching it on my computer.
Taped from wherever Smackdown’s giant fist was residing that week.
Your hosts are Josh Matthews & Ernest Miller
John Cena v. Brian Danielson
OK so this is a thing. Cena is well into his Thug Life stuff, but he doesn’t yet have his “Word Life” song, I guess. So I guess it should be obvious why this episode was picked for the 10 episode dump. No rap from Cena here, which has the Cat disappointed. So apparently Cena has challenged Brock Lesnar to a match on Smackdown, which doesn’t sound like a match anyone would want to see. This Cena guy should stay in his own lane. They trade wristlocks to start and Cena takes Bryan down off that, but Bryan bridges to block him and then pops up with a monkey flip. And Cena promptly puts him down with a clothesline, showing that RUTHLESS AGRESSION, and whips him into the turnbuckles to take over. Back elbow gets two. That elbow makes me think that Danielson politely told him to lay it in before the match. Bryan fires back with an enzuigiri and some forearms, also working snug as the kids say, and then pounds him with a PK to the back for two. Bryan charges and hits boot, and Cena hits him with the back suplex powerbomb to finish at 3:50. Dammit that was criminally short! They should give these guys a Summerslam main event sometime. Nah, that’s silly. **1/2
Nunzio v. Funaki
Well this might be the most Velocity match ever. Miller gets a funny line here as Josh asks if he’s “Cruiserweight eligible” and Cat retorts “I’m 270 pounds, kid, I’m a grown ass man.” They trade armbars and Funaki misses a dropkick, but he recovers with kicks in the corner and then springboards off the middle rope and lands on Nunzio’s shotgun dropkick. Nunzio gets two off that and drops elbows as apparently Nunzio is bringing in “his people” to help him out. That ended up with Vito in a dress, I believe. Nunzio with a bow and arrow, but Funaki reverses to a rollup for two. Nunzio boots him down and goes to a chinlock, but Funaki fights out and slugs away before hitting an enzuigiri and following with a bulldog for two. Seated dropkick gets two. Funaki goes up for a DDT, but Nunzio springboards into a single arm DDT of his own and that gets the pin at 4:40. Just a match. **
The BURN OF THE NIGHT! BROUGHT TO YOU BY STACKER 2! Team Angle wins the tag team titles on Smackdown, but remember when they were actually selling pills laced with ephedrene and caffeine on a show that was marketed to children? Were cross-country truckers a big demographic that they were trying to hit?
Meanwhile, on Smackdown, Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit have a rematch from Royal Rumble and Angle wins that one clean with the Angle Slam. So then Kurt offers him a handshake of respect, but Team Angle attacks while Benoit’s back is turned. Edge tries to make the save and gets laid out, but Bork Laser makes the save and cleans house, and you’d have to think that led to a hell of a six-man match at some point.
Meanwhile, Sean O’Haire thinks you should cheat on your wife, but he’s not telling you anything you don’t already know. And then on Smackdown, Sean talks Brian Kendrick into going streaking to make an impression on Smackdown. And then the announcers have to make sure to point out how it’s reminiscent of a Nike commercial that was popular at the time. I’m assuming Brian was wearing flesh colored trunks that they blurred out for effect.
Bill DeMott v. Phil Brown
So Hugh Morrus is now going by his real name for some reason. DeMott takes Brown down and beats on him, then follows with a corner splash while the announcers put over what an angry bully that DeMott is as a trainer. Talk about living your gimmick. Brown makes a comeback and walks into a clothesline, and DeMott finishes with a powerbomb at 1:50.
Meanwhile, on Smackdown, the Rock does a satellite interview from Hollywood and buries Philadelphia for booing the Rock. He tells Hogan to call “1 800 Get Your Ass Kicked By The Rock” and then yells at a stagehand because he knows that it’s too many numbers and he’s still waiting for his tofu. I would never boo this man. It’s too bad that the second match with Hogan was such dogshit.
And then we take a break and return with Rock DESTROYING Hogan in a face-to-face segment via satellite (“Can we just speed this up and cut to where you rip up your shirt and brother brother and do the thing and all that stuff…”) Tofu and pie, baby. LOOK AT THE TONGUE, LOOK AT THE TONGUE, LOOK AT THE TONGUE! Hollywood Rock was just so far above everyone else that it was actually unfair to all other jabronis trying to play wrestler at this point.
Edge v. The A-Train
Edge’s awkward Rob Zombie theme is intact here, which is weird because I would just assume they’d purge everything from the pre-Network era. For some reason Josh is compelled to use the definite article for every mention Albert here, so it’s always THE A-TRAIN and not just “A-Train”. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. I don’t know what Vince McMahon did to this poor bastard but it must have been some sick Clockwork Orange s---. Edge gets some shine but misses a charge and THE A-TRAIN stomps him down and hits a backbreaker. THE A-TRAIN goes to an abdominal stretch while Ernest questions what the abdominal stretch is supposed to be working on. “I’d imagine it’s the abdominals” notes Josh. I would seriously pay $20 a month to get the ability to delete all the commentary from these f------ shows. Edge fights out and gets the Edge-o-Matic for two, but THE A-TRAIN blocks the Edge-O-Cution and tries for the TRAINWRECK. Oh, early 2000s and your wacky names for stuff. Edge escapes that and finishes him with the spear at 6:36. Lots of momentum was built, I’m sure. *1/2
Hollywood Rock nearly saved this shitshow on his own just by appearing in a RECAP of a segment. And people actually question me when I call him the greatest of all time!
One last episode to finish off this show and then I’m done with it for good. Be there!