The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.22.93
Could it be…finally…a NEW TAPING CYCLE?!
YES IT IS!
Taped from Worcester, MA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler. WHAT ABOUT THE HAPPENINGS HERE IN THE WWF? THINGS ARE TOPSY-TURVY! Apparently there’s this “Kid” who scored a huge upset on RAW, and Marty Jannetty is the new IC champion. Nothing that exciting ever happens on THIS show of course. Meanwhile, Lawler bitches that you can’t just win a tournament and be crowned King, you have to be born into it and have it in your blood. Like Jared Kushner. Yeah that’ll be a super-dated reference after January 20, 2021, I know.
The Smoking Gunns v. Dwayne Gill & Chris Duffy
And so begins the great WWF career of Billy Gunn, firing off cap guns to pretend to be a cowboy. That seems appropriate. So we now have Bill Dunn doing ring announcing instead of Mike McGuirk, for those like myself who keep track of that kind of thing. Billy slugs Gill down and the Gunns double-team him with a BAAAAAAACK BODYDROP as the announcers stress how the Gunns are totally from Texas. I think they gave up on that after a while, didn’t they? Gunns hit Duffy with a double legsweep and Billy clumsily backdrops him into a powerbomb from Bart to finish at 3:02. Oh dear, let’s not do that any more than we need to, guys. That almost went horribly wrong. Regardless, the Gunns got a big babyface reaction from the crowd and get over really good here.
UPDATE! WITH GORILLA MONSOON!
How about that Monday Night show this week? Gorilla gives us some still images from RAW of Marty winning the IC title, to encourage replay buys I guess? Also, that punk Kid who doesn’t have a name upset Razor Ramon, but we don’t have footage of that either.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Jerry Seavey
Bam Bam beats on Seavey with a shoulderblock and slugs him down, then shrugs off some offense from Seavey and clotheslines him down again. He calls the poor guy a “squaw” and then hits him with a senton, then puts Tatanka’s bag of hair in his mouth and goes up to finish with the diving headbutt at 2:25.
FACE TO FACE! With Scheme Gene!
Again, we’re not even paying lip service to the concept any more, as Yokozuna does a promo about Hogan, and Mr. Perfect has a brief word about Doink.
King of the Ring qualifier: Crush v. Shawn Michaels
Poor Shawn doesn’t even get an entrance here! I’m assuming because he had the IC title when they taped this. Crush tosses Shawn around to start and hits him with a backbreaker, then catches him with a bearhug before Shawn thumbs him in the eye to break. Crush comes back with a press slam as we’re actually getting some interesting floor-level camera angles from below, which gives the show a look more like RAW was trying at this point. Reminds me a lot of what World Class was doing a decade before. Shawn retreats to the floor and comes back in with a knee to the back to put Crush on the floor, then rams him into the ringpost and back in for a chinlock. I think we need a Hawaiian Punch drinking game for every time Vince tries to make “The original Hawaiian Punch” into a thing for Crush. Shawn tries the superkick and Crush catches the foot and boots him down, then drops a leg and runs Shawn into the corner before booting him to the floor. Shawn pulls him out and they fight for an exceedingly quick double countout at 5:27. That was literally 5 seconds on the floor, if that. So both competitors are unable to compete in the tournament, and Crush takes out his frustrations by squeezing Shawn’s head. Pretty energetic match here. **3/4
KING OF THE RING REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE!
So before the break, Gene did a teaser where he promised the announcement of a big 8 man tag once we get to the update. I was shocked he didn’t finish with “It’s too hot to tell you about here, call the hotline for more details!” Oh hey, let’s go out to the beach with Hogan and Jimmy Hart again as he continues not being around.
Adam Bomb v. Burt Centeno
This is a two-fer debut, as we not only get the debut of Bomb, but also manager JOHNNY POLO. Say what you will about the goofy gimmick, but a guy named “Adam Bomb” who hails from Three Mile Island is some quality 80s cartoon cheese. Sometimes you don’t need to overthink this stuff. Bomb hits the jobber with a sideslam and tosses him out, then throws him back in and finishes with a slingshot clothesline and powerbomb at 2:35. He needed a better finisher than a simple powerbomb but this gimmick had a lot of potential. He didn’t fulfil any of it because he sucked and got completely outclassed by his dorky manager, but the potential was definitely there.
Meanwhile, a young kid reads a poem about how there’s no hope in dope. And apparently now she’s dead in a casket and everyone is sad. And Undertaker is there.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Brooklyn Brawler
The announcers carry on discussion of the previous segment, and note that anyone who messes with dope will eventually have a date with the undertaker. Yeah, wrestling definitely learned that lesson in a big way over the next couple of decades. Too bad it took so long for anyone to actually pay attention to it. The Brawler works Duggan over in the corner, but Duggan slugs him down and gets the spinning slam and three point stance to finish at 1:57.
FACE TO FACE! With Gene!
Apparently the buzz all around the world from the kids is all about the King of the Ring, and we get Bret Hart and Razor Ramon having words with each other about stuff. Razor is pretty funny here, constantly telling both Bret and Gene to shut up and keep the camera on him. He also claims conspiracy at the Royal Rumble, since he was just saying “Yes, I want to keep going, the Sharpshooter doesn’t hurt at all, chico!” but the ref called for the bell anyway. There you go, one entertaining segment out of however many shitty ones we’ve had so far.
Next week: Yokozuna! The Steiner Brothers! Sensational Sherri!
This was a MUCH better show than the last few weeks have been with a good crowd and some interesting new stuff going on. Hopefully it lasts for a while.
I mean, obviously we know it doesn’t, but I can still hope.