The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.15.93
Taped from Tucson AZ and JESUS CAN WE GET AWAY FROM THIS TAPING ALREADY? I know I sound like a broken record with this, but 3 weeks really is the ideal amount of time for a taping cycle and their super-cheap “stretch it out to 4 or 5 weeks” bullcrap is just killing this show.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler
I’d be remiss in not mentioning the ridiculous pre-show promos between Tatanka and Giant Gonzalez leading up to their qualifying match tonight. Like who would watch the Giant growling like a nervous dog and think “Man, I gotta watch this episode!”
The Steiner Brothers v. Jim Armstrong & Mark Ming
Ming has the straps of his tights pulled down to reveal his oiled up pecs, so Scott takes him down and then just DESTROYS him with a release dragon suplex and drops him on his head. He was merciless to Ming! He shattered Ming like a vase! So that shows him, I guess. Over to pudgy Armstrong, who I’m sensing is not part of the famous family, and Rick recklessly drops him right on his head as well before Scott comes in with a belly to belly and then wraps up the geek with an armbar while putting him in a headscissors. Back to Ming and Scott hits him with the butterfly bomb and they finish with the elevated bulldog at 3:35. What a couple of dicks.
FACE TO FACE with Scheme Gene, and our guests this week are Jim Duggan and Yokozuna. Duggan has a special board! And a special flag! These segments SUCK.
Mr. Hughes v. Bobby Young
Hughes immediately hits the guy with a chokeslam. Vince: “Very little is known about Mr. Hughes, except that he’s a former bodyguard and former football player with Kansas State for four years…” Much like Lawler points out immediately afterwards, it sure sounds like Vince actually knows a lot about him. He gets a slam as the crowd is just deathly silent, and Slick makes his pitch to manage Hughes in the inset promo. Bossman slam finishes at 1:53.
Meanwhile, The Smoking Gunns are still riding towards the WWF and shooting stuff off cactuses in the desert on the way.
Bob Backlund v. Terry Zeller
Oh my god kill me now to get me away from this shitty fourth week episode. Bob takes the guy down with a monkey flip and rides him down to the floor. Back in, Bob gets some armdrags and a slam and Zeller bails to the floor again. Because that’s what we need, stalling from a jobber in a 1993 Bob Backlund squash. Back in, Bob rolls him up for the pin at 2:34.
Meanwhile, Boni Blackstone debuts as an interviewer, with special guest Lex Luger. That gig cannot have lasted long for her. Boni butters Lex up and then points out that he’s got screws protruding from his arm. FAKE NEWS! So then Lex cuts a fired up promo for once, promising to knock out anyone in his way with the steel plate, especially Bret Hart. Now THAT was the fire he needed to be showing on his bus rides.
Virgil v. Jose Martinez
Virgil takes him down with a rollup and grabs a headlock, then takes Martinez down with a neckbreaker and goes back to the headlock. Virgil chases him to the floor and back in for a flying clothesline and a fistdrop. Virgil clotheslines the guy out of the corner and finishes with the legsweep at 2:45.
Shawn Michaels v. Billy Jones
They must have cut something out because they jumped right from the last match to this one. Shawn takes the jobber to the floor and hits him with a double axehandle off he apron, then stops to put the moves on Mike McGuirk. Back in, Shawn with a delayed suplex and he follows with a backbreaker and a snapmare for two. Shawn charges and misses an elbow, and Jones makes a brief comeback before Shawn boots hm out of the corner and follows with a flying clothesline. They’re barely even bothering to dub noise over top of the bored crowd at this point. Superkick finishes at 3:39.
KING OF THE RING REPORT! WITH SCHEME GENE! BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!
Lex Luger would like us to know that ICOPRO is “more than just pills and powders”. So many jokes to make there. Speaking of pills and powders, Hulk Hogan is still on the beach shooting “Thunder in Paradise”, and he listens to the sand to hear the fear of Yokozuna because he’s had it with Hollywood and he’s coming back to the ring. And then he threatens Gene for doubting his words, grunting like an animal and seemingly coked up. And Gene just ignores him and presses onwards while Hulk talks about drinking his own sweat to survive. That’s nice.
Meanwhile, the announcers randomly thank the fans for watching. The hell was that about? I would barely believe Vince’s sincerity in 1993 if someone asked him for the time and he read it off his watch. I’d probably ask someone else for a second opinion to make sure.
King of the Ring Qualifier: Giant Gonzalez v. Tatanka
Giant beats Tatanka down to start and hits him with knees in the corner, then chokes away. And chokes. And chokes. Big boot from Slim Goodbody, but Tatanka comes back with flying chops while Giant “sells”, but then he shakes it off and chokes Tatanka some more. The ref warns him, so Giant shoves him down for the DQ at 3:00 and continues choking. -** Can you imagine if Vince would have booked Andre the Giant in this kind of shitty manner? You’re putting him on TV nearly every week to kill his scary aura and then booking him to lose to a midcarder via a b------- screwjob finish? Get the f--- out of here with this s---. It’s not like Gonzalez was going to be a top level draw or anything, but you could literally not have booked this guy any worse unless his name was Keith Lee or something.
FACE TO FACE! The guests are Money Inc. it’s pretty dull.
NEXT WEEK: Crush v. Shawn Michaels in a qualifier! Plus the debut of ADAM BOMB! More importantly it’s a new taping cycle and I think they start mixing in some other new characters now because I can’t take many episodes filled with Virgil and Bob Backlund squashes, I tell ya.