The SmarK Rant for Saturday Night’s Main Event #6 – 05.03.86
Man, outside of Dynamite, rewatching all these is by far the highlight of my week.
Taped from Providence, RI, doing a 9.3 rating.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan, who was HOT FIRE all night.
The Funk Brothers v. Hulk Hogan and Junkyard Dog
So we are in the fallout of Wrestlemania 2, as the Funks screwed over JYD and Tito via megaphone, so now Hulk Hogan has to step in and get revenge. Notable is the pre-match promo from the babyfaces, as Hulk calls the heels “BUTT-WASHERS”. I’m pretty them’s fighting words in Texas. The Funks attack to start and get soundly whooped, with Hogan doing JYD’s headbutts while Dog does Hulk’s cocaine stash. Sorry, bodyslams, I meant bodyslams. The Funks regroup and Terry slugs away on Dog in the corner, but misses a blind charge and he hits the post on the way to the floor. So he chases Haiti Kid under the ring (“Go get him! Get that dirty little midget!” cheers on Bobby) but for some reason the babyfaces are all worked up about that. Over to Hogan, and he manages to trick the Funks into running a criss-cross on each other, and then boots Hoss down and drops an elbow for two. OK, that was pretty funny. JYD comes in with a clotheslines on Hoss for two as Bobby wonders why JYD’s mom named him “Junkyard”. Vince has got nothing here and Bobby keeps firing off the one-liners. “Don’t hit him in the head! It’s amazing how nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest!” The Funks continue taking comedy bumps off each other via Hogan, but Jimmy Hart finally does what we’re all thinking and takes out the midget with the branding iron to turn the tide. So Dog carries him back to the dressing room and we take a break. Hulk fights alone while Bobby guess that Dog went outside to throw Kid’s body in a dumpster. Meanwhile Terry takes a bump out of the ring and onto the ringside table, just because the match was lacking a little something up until now, and Hoss uses the distraction to get a suplex on Hulk for two. And then Terry follows with a branding iron to the ribs and the heels put the boots to him. YEAH! KICK HIM! They brawl into the crowd and Dog whips Terry into a Hogan backdrop on the floor for another crazy bump. Back in the ring, Hogan and Dog double-team Hoss while Haiti Kid makes his return. (“Are we sure that’s the same midget? You know you can’t tell them apart.”) The man is making some strong points. The Funks double-team JYD, but he no-sells a clothesline and goes for the tag, only for Funk to cut him off with a slam. Terry goes TO THE TOP, but he misses a diving headbutt and it’s HOT TAG Hogan. Big boot and legdrop on Funk and it’s over just like that at 12:24. I’d ask why Terry Funk has to do the job in every match but let’s face it, he probably insisted. This was a SUPER hot match and the Funks were working their asses off. ***1/4 The Funk decide to go after the Haiti Kid, but Hulk and Dog make the save and steal the branding iron, which I’m pretty sure makes them an accessory to cattle rustling at the very least. Also Jimmy Jack Funk makes his ignominious debut on SNME to back up his “brothers” just before replacing Terry Funk for good.
BATTLE OF THE BIG BOYS: King Kong Bundy v. Uncle Elmer
Bundy calls him “Uncle Elmo” in his pre-match promo so you know that shit is ON. Meanwhile, Elmer eats a giant bucket of deep fried pig parts while doing his pre-match weigh in, which leads Bobby Heenan to quip that the secret to his success is being made up of “200 pounds of manure, 200 pounds of cellulose and 30 pounds of deep fried pig parts”. Whatever Vince was paying Bobby in sparkly jackets in 1986 wasn’t enough. They fight for the lockup to start and then Bundy tries to put him down with a shoulderblock and then goes with a choke instead. “Elmer’s down, he looks like the Hindenburg in denim” Elmer slugs back and uses the power of his ass in the corner before following with a corner splash. But then another one misses and Bundy finishes him off with an elbow at 2:42. Yes, Elmer’s fatal flaw was that he was too fat and immobile to kick out once he was put onto his back. Who says it can’t be Shakespeare? -**
Meanwhile, Adrian Adonis serenades a cardboard cutout of Paul Orndorff as he does a weird early version of the character where he might be gay but he’s still trying to do the old Adonis promos.
Meanwhile, Paul Orndorff and Mean Gene share a sauna together. Let’s face it, if he’s gonna cut promos in a sauna wearing nothing but a towel, you can hardly blame Adonis for lusting after him. He’s only human!
Adrian Adonis v. Paul Orndorff
Orndorff attacks to start for Adrian daring to molest his cardboard standee. Adonis goes flying out of the ring, taking bumps while wearing a dress, and Orndorff hauls him back in for an abdominal stretch. Jimmy Hart gets involved, so Orndorff beats on him and then presses him out of the ring and into the arms of Adonis outside as we take a break. Back with Wonderful getting Adonis up for an airplane spin, but Adrian shifts his weight and they both land on the floor. Back in, Adonis uses the megaphone on Orndorff as Vince gets on the one-liner train, noting that Orndorff might accidentally look up Adrian’s dress from the mat. Adonis drops an elbow for two and follows with a suplex for two, but he goes up and misses the flying splash. Orndorff makes the comeback and knees him into the ropes, and Adonis takes an amazing bump where he flips over 360 degrees and winds up tied up in the ropes. Orndorff tears up the dress and chokes him out, beating on him while Vince fat shames Adonis. Man, it’s like Billie Eilish getting roasted on Twitter by the haters 30 years earlier. Anyway, Paul kicks too much ass and gets disqualified at 11:23. As usual Adonis was hurling himself all over the ring to get this over despite Vince burying him six feet under every step of the way. ***
Meanwhile, Scheme Gene sits down in an empty arena with Hulk Hogan, which I guess is also prescient. Anyway, we get some footage of Hulk Hogan against Bundy in the cage match, and now Hogan is gonna get some revenge against Bundy and Muraco. He already beat the man in a cage match! How much more revenge does this maniac need?
Meanwhile, Ricky Steamboat WILL NOT TOLERATE Jake Roberts putting his disgusting snake all over people. That’s just the way he is! In fact, Jake might end up laid out tonight with his own snake draped across his body.
Jake Roberts v. Ricky Steamboat
So Jake attacks Ricky on the apron to start and then puts him on the floor before the bell even rings, hitting the famous DDT on the concrete and knocking Steamboat out legit. That’s still one of the most terrifying looking bumps ever taken on WWF TV. Steamboat’s head SLAMMED into the concrete there. And then Jake drapes the snake on him for good measure as Vince is at peak Vince-ness, expressing his horror and disgust at that snake SLITHERING ALL OVER HIM, BLECH! A classic segment, no doubt.
WWF tag team titles: The British Bulldogs v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff
Yes, it’s our first of many 2 out of 3 falls tag team title defenses on SNME. Before the match, Gene expresses his “Anglo-American pride” at the Bulldogs winning the titles. What the fuck is THAT supposed to mean? Valentine and Beefcake are both American too! Volkoff charges and gets slugged down by Davey to start, and he gets a small package for ONE TWO THREE HE GOT HIM NO HE DIDN’T. Sheik quickly tags in and hits a gut wrench suplex and then puts him away with the camel clutch at 1:35 to win the first fall.
We take a break and return with the second fall, with Davey still selling the back and taking a beating. “Why didn’t Dynamite get in there?” Vince demands. Because the loser of the fall starts the next one, you putz. That’s literally been a rule of best of 3 falls matches for decades. Davey gets a hope spot, but Sheik and Volkoff beat him down and Volkoff stomps him down, but Davey comes back with a sunset flip on Volkoff while Sheik takes the ref and prevents the count. As always, the sunset flip is the most devastating hold in wrestling as long as there’s no ref, because you can beat someone for a TEN COUNT with it if only there was someone to count. Davey catches a boot from the Sheik and gets an atomic drop, and Volkoff takes him down with a roll for two. Finally Davey puts Volkoff down with a forearm, but the heels cut him off again and Blassie adds some choking from the floor. Volkoff with a powerslam for two, but Davey is in the ropes and Volkoff thinks he’s won. THAT IDIOT VOLKOFF, declares Vince in prime Vince-ness again. And of course Davey rolls him up for the pin at 9:13 to even it up.
Third fall and Davey is still getting beat up as Vince reveals that Dynamite actually has torn ligaments in his knee and can’t work. Isn’t there some kind of HIPPA law being violated there? Sheik takes Davey down with a boston crab, but Davey makes the ropes, so Volkoff puts him down with a backbreaker for two. If the match was scored on gallantry and bravery, the match would already have been awarded to the Bulldogs! That sounds like the stupidest fucking scoring system ever. Davey gets the running powerslam on Sheiky Baby for two, and Dynamite decides to tag himself in despite his crippling knee injury. So to work on it, the heels take turns putting him in a bearhug. Sheik with the camel clutch to really work that knee, but the Bulldogs switch off and Davey cradles Sheik for the pin at 14:33. They’re wearing different color tights! How blind and/or stupid is this referee? ***
And Vince and Bobby wrap it up for another month.
This was a GREAT show that was tremendously entertaining both on an ironic and non-ironic level, sometimes at the same time. That’s a fine line of stupidity and genius to walk.