Abdullah the Butcher vs. Zeus (and other Dream Matches)

And we’re back with more bizarre finds of “what can I find by typing random names into YouTube?” (and also some requests from sadistic BOD members). This set sees a match between two of the worst workers of all time clearly booked by a monster, along with some unusual WWF matches- the Colossal Connection vs. The Rockers, plus a certain legendary JTTS worker “Huss”-es his way in!

Once again, WWF YouTube videos are non-kosher to post here, but you can find them pretty easily.

(World Wrestling Council, 1990)
* OH MY GOD SOMEONE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN!!! This is in Puerto Rico, a pretty wild territory (a murderous one, even), with the famous blood ‘n’ guts wrestler Abdullah facing off against Zeus, following his WWF run, which was so bad he wasn’t even trusted to do a solo match with Hogan in a big way. They look like a pair of “Fist of the North Star” villains fighting- Zeus roided to the gills and in silver & black pants, and Abdullah this scarred-up monstrosity, baggy pants hoisted up to his tits. I mean, at least Zeus LOOKS like a star.

The two brawl outside the ring immediately as the bell rings, Zeus bludgeoning him by… slowly touching his forearms to Abdullah’s flabby shoulders. How in God’s name does a 300+-lb. roid-monster manage to make his strikes look so feather-lite? Those are the most unconvincing strikes I’ve ever seen. I’m dying as Zeus just lightly brings his ar,ms down, then chokes away and hits a bearhug. Zeus does this thing with his headbutts where he “hits” it and then throws his hands off dramatically and it’s so, so bad. Zeus actually sells huge for some throat thrusts, just collapsing, but alas, hits more “offense” to come back. Abdullah pulls out a fork, but Zeus fights it out of his grip. A bleeding Abdullah finally comes back with punches and biting, dropping an elbow for two- his stuff is better than Zeus’s, but still looks weak as hell.

They run into each other a couple times, then Zeus hits the single limpest clothesline in the history of the universe, but Abdullah wins a “slugfest” to drop him. Zeus powers out of a slight neck massage and chokes some more, but Abdullah punches him in the balls. More chokity-punch stuff until Zeus hits another bearhug, then they fought outside and Zeus uses a… yellow bookshelf (?) to deliver some pain, and that’s a Count Out at (11:35).

Absolutely dreadful, horrifyingly bad match- Zeus couldn’t handle FIVE minutes in a solo contest, and they gave him eleven against this balaenopteran has-been. Trish/Gayda bad, except nobody “botched” so much as didn’t hit anything good.

Rating: DUD (if I did negative star ratings, it’d almost have to be the full monty)

THE COLOSSAL CONNECTION (Andre the Giant & Haku) vs. THE ROCKERS (Shawn Michaels & Marty Jannetty):
(late 1990)
* Okay, never heard of this one before. Jesse remarks with a chuckle that Andre “outweighs both these two COMBINED”. “(they) could very well be the giant-killers, Jesse!” “Maybe- if you believe in FAIRY TALES, McMahon…”. Great dismissive remarks by the Body. The Rockers are in some pretty ugly yellow tights, while Haku’s in purple & Andre’s in the usual black gear.

The Colossal Connection, despite outweighing their opponents three times over, attack before the bell like good heels, but the Rockers do-si-do into dropkicks and double-dropkick Andre into his “tied in the ropes” spot. Haku takes a beating, but Andre headbutts Shawn. The Rockers double-clothesline misses Haku, he attempts a double one himself but only nails Shawn, then catches Marty on a cross-body but Shawn dropkicks them over for two. Andre gets the tag, however, and just DESTROYS Marty, who sells every shot like death (Andre 101). Andre drops the ass twice while leaning on the ropes, and it’s treated as borderline fatal, and a Haku backbreaker gets two.

Marty blind tags Shawn, and they hit the double-hiptoss/double-elbow/kip-up in their trademark slick double-teaming style, but Andre slugs Marty in the kidneys from the apron, killing him again. An outraged Shawn runs in and decks him, so Andre just casually launches him from the ring to the floor in one motion- ahahahahahah! “That takes care of Shawn Michaels” mutters Jess, as Andre holds Marty for a Reverse Crescent Kick. Andre sits on Marty and throws Shawn back in, but the double-teaming now lures DEMOLITION out, and they run in for the DQ at (3:28). Well you knew you weren’t getting a clean finish, I think. Not that the Rockers ever stood a chance.

Rating: **1/4 (fun, unpretentious TV match, with the Rockers showing off on Haku but selling like dynamite for Andre)

(WWF Wrestling Challenge, Feb. 16 1991)
* This is actually the DEBUT of John Nord in his “Berzerker” persona, though as I remember from one of the very first WWF Saturday Morning broadcasts I ever saw, he was initially called THE VIKING, and wore dark turquoise instead of the brown gear he got known for. He’s got a long tunic with grey undies, but still the big fuckin’ horned helmet, sword and shield, and I love this stupid s--- so much. He is absolutely SHREDDED here, too, I might add, sporting the big “steroid veins” down his biceps.

The Viking jumps the jobber pretty quickly, and his “Huss!” shouts are more out of control than I remember. Nord’s mannerisms are pretty wild here, doing even more dramatic vocals, swinging his arms and sticking his tongue out as he does them, and frequently doing a “tic” thing where he jerks his head around. This is all apparently a Bruiser Brody riff, as Nord idolized the deceased brawler. Comes off kinda like a taller, heel Jim Duggan. Big boot with those INSANELY long legs looks great, a dropkick, and he hits a snap powerslam (the World’s Strongest Slam, actually) that impresses Heenan on commentary. Double-kneedrop, big boot in the ropes, front suplex, and he finally just picks the guy up and launches him out of the ring in a good controlled bump, getting his Count-Out finisher at (2:09). This ends up being his kinda-stupid trademark finisher, which is one of the more infamous aspects of this failed character. And then my mind is blown as he hits a F------ PESCADO onto the schmuck post-match! Holy s---- make THAT a part of your regular stuff!

Rating: 1/2* (great jobber squash, though- tons of moves and he just ate the guy alive)

(WWF TV, 1992)
* Bizarre styles clash awaits us here, as the BABYFACE Hammer takes on the rechristened Viking, now managed by Mr. Fuji. Face Valentine is so weird, too. Especially here, as he’s only billed as “The Hammer” and called that on commentary.

Berzerker actually gets caught gabbing with Fuji to start, then just DEFLECTS off the top turnbuckle when he misses a charge, flying straight backwards and faceplanting. Berzerker takes a beating, but a boot has Greg faceplanting. Berzerker does some weird running headbutts into a crouch, a clothesline & a powerslam, but misses a Reykjavik Jam and the Hammer boots on the leg, landing him in the SPLITS in a huge cartoon bump from the Berzerker. Berzerker backflips over the ropes after another shot, but Fuji grabs Greg’s leg and Berzerker takes over. Dropkick and neck vices kill time, Greg losing brawls and Flair Flopping again and again as they try to out-cartoon each other. Greg fights out of a THIRD neck vice, but gets tied in the ropes and booted, then Berzerker crotches himself on a third attempt and Greg drops the hammer- Fuji’s on the apron and Hammer OF COURSE goes after him, whupping him outside the ring, but Berzerker axehandles him off the apron and wipes him out with Fuji’s cane, taking the easy Count-Out victory at (7:43).

Lousy-ass finish, and half the match was a neck vice, but they were doing a really fun “How can I top that cartoonish-ass bump?” thing for a while there, with Berzerker being portrayed as a moron who needed constant advice from his manager. And at least the Berzerker’s finish IS getting the guy counted out. But a pretty weak finish for a big, strong heel, especially against late-stage Valentine.

Rating: *1/2 (started out fun, but got pretty dull)

TITO SANTANA vs. KOKO B. WARE (w/ Frankie):
(WWF TV, Jan. 1991)
* This is a bit odd, as it’s Face vs. Face, and featuring ex-Strike Force Tito (of course still wearing the tights) against resident perma-JTTS Koko. Koko’s still pretty put together here, but Tito’s lost a LOT of definition, looking more like his “El Matador” self. Koko’s bright-ass neon yellow tights let you know what era this is, too.

They do some good face/face stuff to start, as they lock up, hit a move, then lock up again, the other guy hits a move, then do amateur-style stuff into a stand-up and shake hands for good sportsmanship. You can tell Heenan’s phoning in his commentary because he’s not vomiting at this b-------. Standing switch and tempers start to flare a bit, as Heenan predicted, and we’re clipped to them trading shots! Koko counters out of the corner and hits a weak nervehold for a solid minute, then kicks him around like a douche. Heenan starts getting into it as Koko fights more and more viciously (“show me something Koko, come on!”). Koko slugs away boxing style as Heenan talks about wanting to see teeth flying and lips swelling up over “rolling around in an ARMLOCK!”, but takes forever to climb the ropes, missing a Flying Fistdrop. Tito gets the classic “Fired-Up Babyface” comeback, leading to Koko begging off, getting his cheap kick caught, atomic-dropped, and they both miss lariats, leading to the Flying Forearm knocking Koko out at (6:47).

Rating: ** (pretty standard “Babyface Comeback” formula match, but I liked Koko briefly heeling it up)