Cartoon All-Stars To the Rescue!

When I did the drugs episodes review, I had this in mind, but being in the UK I’d never seen it before so skipped it on account of unfamiliarity, but seeing as someone asked!

Just as a note before watching, I know nothing about this special other than Michelangelo is in it and it’s about drugs, but beyond that I’m blank.

I’d recommend you watch the YouTube video of the show above, but there’s a commercial at the start that is fucking freaky with some kids singing a song about how “Love Lifted Me” for a McDonald’s charity. I have to imagine there’s a parody of it out there somewhere because it’s bizarre!

George Bush Sr. and Barbara and the dog turn up next in a totally unscripted video and of course they’re familiar with ALL the cartoon characters in the show. It would’ve been funny if somebody slipped the Simpsons in after the fact.

Onto the show, where a happy little girl lives in a happy little town… until someone steals her piggy bank! The Smurfs come to the rescue, aided by ALF and Garfield, who apparently has a lamp stuck up his arse. Next, the Chipmunks, like they’re organising a SWAT team comprised that uses annoyance instead of riot shields and nightsticks. Then Winnie the Pooh and Kermit, who’s had the indignity of having a clock implanted in him like that guy with no eyelids in Hellboy. And Slimer.

So, the search is on, and it’s the girl’s older brother who’s smashed the piggy bank and is stealing from it. He’s also got a box full of “chemicals”, like a regular Heisenberg. Simon accidentally outs himself as a secret pothead by giving way too many details about Mary Jane. Then the brother heads out to town, which looks far cooler than back at the house with everyone bar Garfield. The devil on his shoulder is manifested out of some pot smoke. Bizarrely, he’s voiced by GEORGE C. FUCKING SCOTT of all people, playing it cool instead of residing in SHOUTsville, so maybe he was partaking in a joint for once in the recording studio.

Officer Bugs Bunny then turns up to take the boy for a trip in a time machine. He sees himself all those years ago, two years ago, when someone first offered him some grass. “If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you?”, asks Bugs. I guess how high they were and as long as it wasn’t bath salts. He then lectures him to death, which obviously helps(!).

Mikey also gets involved, which is a fucking cheek when you consider he’s based on Spicoli, dude – “YOU DICK!”. I’m also not sure that taking a drug addict on a roller coaster ride through the human brain with Kermit and Miss Piggy is the best thing for their stability. A cackling Gonzo is going to result in him taking a razor blade to his face too, surely.

I was going to joke that next he’d be seeing a white rabbit, but instead we get Tigger and Huey, Dewey and Louie. They serenade him before ALF drags the lad into a mirror like Freddy Krueger, who even gets name checked in the same vignette. At the same time in the real world, Smoke tries to seduce the little sister to the dark side after doing the Rey Mysterio lawn dart trick with Pooh.

The boy battles his drug addiction and peer pressure in a trippy carnival/whirlpool while I waited for It to turn up as I listened to the music. Little sister thinks that maybe if she gets high then she can communicate with her brother again, so as the tourniquet is applied and the straw goes up the nose the brother realises he has to change his ways and stops her. Smoke is sent packing as brother and sister reunite and the cartoon characters give their approval, plus mom and dad are the next stop to chat with in the end.

Conclusion: I can’t fault anyone for trying to dissuade kids from doing drugs or succumbing to peer pressure, but I’m not sure the execution of this show helps when it’s part sermon, part hallucination! Plus the corporate involvement of McDonald’s is a laugh when they’re as guilty as anyone of making kids fat. It would be almost worth showing this to kids to say to them “See what shit I had to endure? And you wonder why I drink?”.