The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.01.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 05.01.93

Well, apparently another 10 episodes get added later month as they continue to dribble out a decades’ worth of shows.  Although frankly if they get to 1995 then there’s no point in continuing on with it from there.

Taped from Tucson, AZ

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage

The Undertaker joins Ray Rougeau for the special interview in our cold open.  Ray declares that Undertaker has been “proven to be literally unstoppable”, and Paul Bearer goes one up by declaring Undertaker “the most powerful entity walking the face of the earth”.  Man and you thought people put him over NOW.  Anyway, he’s still got beef with Giant Gonzalez and wants him to enter the dark side and suffer.  What, is he gonna go back to WCW?

The Headshrinkers v. Scott Bazo & Bob Young

The announce team is still talking about the Nasty Boys here but they were done with the promotion a couple of weeks before this aired.  Unless there’s something pre-taped coming up from this taping cycle, I dunno.  Anyway, they finish one of the pudgy geeks with the flying splash at 2:45 after the usual savagery.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH MEAN GENE!

The Steiner Brothers discuss how hard their year has been thus far, and Shawn Michaels is quite confident about how his year has been going thus far.

Meanwhile, we go back to the old west again to meet the Smoking Gunns, and they’re shooting bottles and looking for trouble.

Virgil v. The White Shadow

The Shadow is not only from parts unknown, but he’s also weight unknown!  Now that’s mysterious.  Vince and Randy gang up on Lawler for not entering the King of the Ring tournament, accusing him of being scared of the field.  Bunch of bullies.  Virgil hits a DDT and then finishes with a legsweep at 2:04.

KING OF THE RING REPORT!  WITH MEAN GENE!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!

Apparently their motto is now “Get ripped, don’t get ripped off”.  Well that’s ironic.  But then if anyone was the perfect snake oil huckster it’s Scheme Gene.  So next up on PPV is King of the Ring, with a tournament to determine said Kingship, with Bret Hart automatically seeded #1.  Also, Hulk Hogan will defend the WWF title against Yokozuna, and HOLY COW WE ACTUALLY TALK TO HOGAN!  So we go to the filming of “Thunder in Paradise”, where Gene tracks down Hogan and Beefcake on the beach, which is the first time either guy has even appeared on the show since Wrestlemania.  Also Beefcake is still wearing his stupid mask even while hanging out on the beach.  Hogan’s promo is all over the place here.  Also, he makes sure to note that he’s only here shooting this movie and not defending his title because he had PRIOR COMMITMENTS that he didn’t know about when he won the belt.  Yeah, but what about the tag team titles that they desperately wanted to win before Wrestlemania?  So their plan was to win the belts from Money Inc and then fuck off to Hollywood for three months?  What a selfish prima donna, even in STORYLINE!  Also, yes, I know I’m completely passing over the fact that “Thunder in Paradise” was originally promoted on a WWF TV show, but there’s lots to unpack here.

King of the Ring qualifier:  Doink the Clown v. Mr. Perfect

Doink attacks from behind and sends Perfect into the stairs, but Perfect comes back and goes to work on the leg, then chops him to the floor.  Back in, Perfect with the necksnap as Savage declares that the King of the Ring tournament is “equally as prestigious as the WWF title belt”.   LOL, WUT?  They haven’t even STARTED THE TOURNAMENT YET!  Perfect hits Doink with a kneelift to put him on the floor as we take a break.  Back with Doink now in control and Perfect on the floor, and Doink hits him with a flying knee as we get an inset promo from Crush.  BUT WAIT!  It’s actually DOINK doing the inset, because it’s an illusion.  Vince questions how he can possibly be in both places at the same time.  Come on, they do inset promos from people already in the ring ALL THE TIME.  Pre-taping is not exactly a miracle technology, even in 1993.  Doink with a snap suplex and he goes up with an axehandle, but misses a clothesline and Perfect makes the comeback.  They slug it out and Perfect cradles him for ONETWOTHREE-HE-GOT-HIM-NO-HE-DIDN’T.  Backslide gets two, which earns the top Vince McMahon rating of SEE SAW MATCHUP BACK AND FORTH.  Perfect rollup gets two.  Back suplex gets two.  Perfect chops away and NOW YOU’RE GONNA SEE A PERFECTPLEX, but the bell rings at 8:40 for a time limit draw.  That’s a pretty short time limit.  Hell of a TV match for them, though.  ***1/4  You would think this eliminates both guys, but apparently both are still in the running according to Vince.

UPDATE!  WITH GORILLA MONSOON!

Let us take you back to last week, as Sherri interrupts Bam Bam Bigelow, and has to have Tatanka fight her battles for her.  And then Bigelow gets revenge later by laying out Tatanka and cutting off some of his red hair, which of course symbolizes the blood of all the native Americans.  I actually missed that last week for some reason.

Typhoon v. Larry Ludden

Yup, so with Earthquake gone, Typhoon has to forge a singles career on his own.  I’d be SHOCKED if he can MASTER it.  He throws Ludden around and hits him with a corner splash, and then finishes with the big fat Tidal Wave splash at 2:34.  Frankly I’m shocked they didn’t drag up some other big fat heel and package him as a new version of the Natural Disasters with Typhoon.  Like really, what about Bastion Booger/Friar Ferguson?  They could have totally made him into Avalanche or Rockslide or something.

King of the Ring coming June 13! 

Lex Luger v. Terry Zeller

The geek decides to use Luger’s mirror without permission, so Luger knocks him out before the bell and there’s no match.  Typical bait and switch from the WWF.  Anyway, the jobber retired after this and went to Canada to open a chain of discount department stores, I hear.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH MEAN GENE!

People are stopping Gene on the street and asking him about Giant Gonzalez, apparently.  Also we hear from Hacksaw Duggan, who has nothing fancy dan about him.  Also when he goes to foreign countries, people ask him why he carries the American flag.  BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS COUNTRY, STUPID!  Although I mean, if anyone else brings THEIR flag to HIS country, then there’s a problem.  But luckily everyone else in the world loves and respects America so much and they have no problem with his hypocrisy.

Next week:  The Nasty Boys & Kamala v. Money Inc & Mr. Hughes!  Razor Ramon v. Tito Santana in the King of the Ring qualifier!  Ah, so there’s the end for the Nasty Boys.