The SmarK Rant for WWE Velocity – 06.08.02
Taped from yonder home of Smackdown. Oklahoma I think?
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Al Snow
Test v. Randy Orton
Yup, it’s young plucky babyface rookie Randy Orton! Always fun. Meanwhile this was the point when they took away Test’s HUBBA BUBBA BIDDA WIDDA WOMP BOMP music and replaced it with generic butt rock instead. BUT HOW WILL I KNOW IF THIS IS A TEST OR NOT? Orton is all fired up to start, but Test lays him out from behind and follows with a corner clothesline. Looking at Test here I’m SHOCKED that he was dead a couple of years later. You’d think all the steroids would make him extra healthy, like they did for Trump. Test misses a charge and Orton slugs back with generic babyface stuff and then goes up with a crossbody for two. But then Test hits him with the pumphandle slam and that gets two. Test misses the big boot and Orton gives him the Overdrive neckbreaker that everyone was doing at the time, and that gets two. But then speaking of tropes of the time, Test rolls the dice on him to finish at 4:11. All we needed was a spinning uranage and a Play of the Day to fill the mid-2000s bingo card fully. Test was about as flexible as an 80s LJN wrestling figure out there. *1/2
Meanwhile on Smackdown, Linda Miles and Jackie Gayda get all up in Ivory’s face in some trainer-trainee drama, so Vince McMahon books a match for THIS VERY SHOW to settle things.
Meanwhile, on RAW, Shawn Michaels joins the nWo. Oh yeah, that happened.
The Godfather v. Hugh Morrus
This show is like where 90s gimmicks go to die. Godfather attacks in the corner and chokes away, but Morrus clotheslines him to the floor and they brawl out there for a bit. Back in, Hugh slugs away in the corner and hits the “organized crime kick” as Snow puts it. OK, I laughed at that. Godfather hits a clothesline for two as apparently we have an interview with The Rock coming up soon where he’ll talk about his future after The Scorpion King. I don’t think anyone could have predicted his future success to that degree. Godfather blocks a charge and then goes out and grabs the bell, but Teddy Long (still a referee at this point) grabs it from him, and Godfather uses his cane during the distraction for the pin at 3:30. This “badass” Godfather character is not cutting the mustard. ½*
Meanwhile, on Smackdown, Edge is sporting a sling on his arm after the cage match with Kurt Angle. But he loves THIS BUSINESS and it kills him because he can’t defend his King of the Ring title due to injury. This brings out Chris Jericho, who sadly has no sympathy for Edge and his injury, especially since he was ready to beat the hell out of him and win the King of the Ring. Jericho demands that Edge raise his hand for the forfeit win, but Edge stands tall and stupidly attacks him because of his foolish pride, as Jericho’s fellow Winnigpeg-er Burton Cummings famously sang about. So Jericho wisely hits him in the injured arm and beats the hell out of him as promised, ending with a chairshot to the injured shoulder while Edge is draped on the stairs. Yeah well Edge would go on to do much worse things to people anyway.
Chavo Guerrero v. Funaki
This is brought to us by Mint Skittles, which not gonna lie, sounds horrifying. And I’ve tried the spicy chili Skittles. Like, if you WANT Scotch Mints, why wouldn’t you just buy them? They trade armdrags to start while the announcers discuss the debut of Jamie Noble and reveal Nidia as the stalker of the Hurricane. Chavo takes Funaki to the corner and works the back with dropkicks. Blind charge misses and Funaki bulldogs him, but Chavo hits him with a facebuster for two. Funaki takes him to the floor with a headscissors and follows with a dive, and back in for an enzuigiri that gets two. Chavo gets a backbreaker for two, but Funaki gets La Majastral for two. Chavo escapes an inverted DDT with a knee to the head and finishes with a brainbuster at 4:35. Too short but an action packed sprint. **1/2
Meanwhile, Jackie and Linda talk about Linda’s match tonight, and Jackie wants to be in the corner tonight “if you know what I mean”. Hold on, let me check my Cringe Meter…
Seems about right. Well maybe once Jackie Gayda gets into the ring she’ll be more comfortable. Also have you already guessed what’s going to happen during the match yet? Since they’re such good friends and all.
Meanwhile, on Smackdown, we do a battle royale for a title shot at Undertaker, and it comes down to Hogan and HHH before they both go over the top at the same time. So they meet again in a singles match, which of course ends up with Hogan doing the J-O-B to the Pedigree after Hunter kicks out of the big boot and legdrop. It takes a lot to make me feel bad for Hogan getting outmaneuvered but there you go. This of course set up HHH challenging Undertaker for the title at King of the Ring 2002 in one of the all-time stinker World title matches, which in turn resulted in HHH making himself World champion of RAW.
Linda Miles v. Ivory
So of course Miles and Gayda winning their season of Tough Enough turned out be one of the dumbest decisions they ever made, as Miles was useless in the ring and left after her one-year contract expired, and we all know about Jackie’s famous match coming up a month after this. Ivory tries a headlock, but Miles gets a hiptoss, and then seemingly trips and falls on the bottom rope, allowing Ivory to choke her out and stomp away. Linda misses a dropkick and Ivory gets her own for two. Ivory with a neckbreaker for two, but Linda makes a comeback with a delayed suplex for two. Miles goes up to finish, but Ivory cuts her off, and then Jackie SHOCKINGLY turns on Miles and pushes her off the top, allowing Ivory to get the pin at 3:40. I know, what a shocking twist. This all went absolutely nowhere as they stupidly put them on live TV for a feud with each other and the matches were so bad that they got sent down to OVW for re-training almost immediately afterwards. And then Miles disappeared for a year and didn’t come back until she was Shaniqua, managing the Bashams as a dominatrix. So she had THAT going on. This was a pretty bad debut match and she was nowhere near ready to be on TV yet. ¼*
Well you got really early Randy Orton here if you’re into that.