The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.24.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.24.93

Finally new tapings!

Taped from Tucson, AZ

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Randy Savage & Jerry Lawler.  According to Vince, we are “anxiously awaiting the decision from Jack Tunney following the investigation as to the medical disposition of the controversial forearm of the Narcissist Lex Luger”.  ALL IN ONE BREATH!  In fact I might have misquoted him because I do 90wpm and I still couldn’t keep up with him even after rewinding it once.

Shawn Michaels v. Dale Wolfe

Jerry declares that Mr. Perfect is now only “Mr. Pretty Good” next to Shawn.  I still like “Mr. Spiffy” myself.  Shawn nonchalantly wrestles Wolfe to the mat and then sends him to the floor before stopping to pose, and then drops knees on him in the ring.  He hits the superkick and then goes for the teardrop suplex, but then changes his mind and just casually pushes Wolfe over and pins him instead at 3:25.  Pretty lethargic squash for Shawn, although deliberately so in this case to show how bored and over it he was.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH MEAN GENE! 

Crush is very happy with all the competition in the WWF, but he’s not happy with Doink trying to end his career.  Also, Money Inc. is really happy that they’re getting all these contract offers from challengers now, and Jimmy Hart is no longer getting a cut of it.  Yeah they kinda did get the best of that deal, didn’t they?

The Steiner Brothers v. Reno Riggins & Billy Jones

Scott takes Reno down to start and cuts off his offense with a backdrop, so it’s over to BILLY JONES.  Could this guy be ANY MORE of a pasty Crockett-era looking doofus?  Scott throws Billy around and it’s over to Rick, who levels the guy with a clothesline and then takes him to the top rope for a belly to belly, nearly snapping him in half on the bump.  Yikes.  Rick bends him up on the mat as well and Riggins declines the tag, so Scott hits Jones with an overhead suplex and then forces Reno to tag in.  Pumphandle slam and Frankensteiner finish at 4:00.  Poor Billy Jones just got WRECKED.

Bam Bam Bigelow joins Ray Rougeau for a special interview, but Sherri runs out with some SERIOUS cleavage and she wants to complain about Luna.  Bam Bam rightly points out that it’s his interview time, and I’ve got mad respect for him somehow making eye contact the whole time, and he’s about to put the beats on Sherri before Tatanka runs out and saves, throwing Bigelow off the stage in the process and then jumping off with flying chops onto him.  Well that was interesting!

Tito Santana v. Louie Spicoli

Vince notes that Owen Hart blew out his knee against Bam Bam last week and he won’t be around for a while.  Not until Survivor Series, I think.  Tito chases Spicoli into the corner right away and follows with a hiptoss and headlock while Vince rails against Luger’s winning streak.  “So if you’re successful in the WWF and you beat all your opponents, then the President has to step in and do something about it?” notes Lawler.  Old Tunney on the take!  Tito finishes with El Pace with Extra Picante Sauce at 2:10.

Damian Demento v. KC Cleric

Although last time I mocked Cleric with a D&D reference, Vince goes for the “…and the Sunshine Band” angle instead.  I feel like that’s taking the easy route, honestly.  Demento beats him down and forces him to bite on his own fingers in a unique spot, and then puts him away with the neckbreaker and kneedrop at 2:35.

Meanwhile, we journey to the old West, and meet Billy and Bart…THE SMOKING GUNNS!  I should point out that they introduce each other as “partners” and not the brother angle that would later come into play.

King of the Ring, coming June 13!  King of course immediately bitches about not being invited, which would of course pay off.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Tim Patterson

Duggan stops to yell at Yokozuma for a bit and hits Patterson with a hiptoss before putting him down with a back elbow.  He throws Patterson to the floor and follows with a kneedrop for two, but he’s still not done yelling at Yokozuma.  Duggan actually chokes the guy out and then follows with the spinning slam and three point stance to finish at 3:00.  Man, Duggan’s got some mental problems as a result of that beating.  He should see someone about it.

UPDATE!  WITH GORILLA MONSOON!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLISEUM HOME VIDEO!

Farewell, Sean Mooney!  See you again in a couple of decades!  Anyway, let us take you back to the Wrestlemania brunch, where Bret is getting interviewed by Mean Gene and Lex Luger lays him out with the forearm.  But then we get shocking X-Ray footage of Luger’s forearm, as it turns out that he’s got a steel plate implanted in it.  But as usual, Jack Tunney is helpless to do anything about it.  Well he’s really earning his pay these days.

Tatanka v. Steve Vega

Tatanka fails to appear, despite them playing his music TWICE, and we cut to the back, where Bam Bam Bigelow has laid him out and is kicking the crap out of him for sticking his nose into Bigelow’s business earlier.  Look, it’s not like Sherri didn’t have it coming for interrupting Bigelow’s interview time, Bam Bam probably would have just slapped her around a bit and everyone would have learned a valuable lesson about who not to fuck with.  And now Tatanka had to learn that lesson.

Mr. Hughes v. Raven Clark

Dr. Harvey Wippleman makes his case for managing Hughes in an inset promo, and they probably deserve each other.  Hughes gets a big boot and corner clothesline on Clark.  Suplex gets two and the Bossman slam finishes at 2:33.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH MEAN GENE!

Yokozuna apparently trains by eating 10 pounds of rice and 25 pounds of chicken and steak every day.  And lots of MAYONAISE!  FOR POWER!  Also Mr. Perfect bitches about Lex Luger hitting him with the loaded elbow.

Next week:  Lex Luger!  The Undertaker!  Doink v. Mr. Perfect in a King of the Ring qualifier!

Well this was definitely a bit of an improvement over last week.