The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.10.93

The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 04.10.93

So Wrestlemania 9 is a thing that happened.  Just accept it.

Taped from North Charleston, SC.  So this show was taped before Wrestlemania, then.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler & Randy Savage.  Lawler and Savage immediately argue over Hogan and Yokozuna’s claims to the WWF title.  Bret who?  Brutus who?  Actually in all seriousness I don’t think Beefcake was ever seen or even mentioned again on WWF TV after this unless we’re counting stuff like the legends reunions decades later.  I know he did a few more house shows and dark matches, but I don’t recall him existing as a TV character otherwise.

Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Barry Horowitz

Duggan, the maniac, throws chairs into the ring immediately and chases Horowitz out, then pounds away in the corner and hits him with a hiptoss.  Duggan yells for YOKOZUMA and then takes out his anger on Horowitz with a clothesline to the floor and runs him into the stairs.  Back in, he finishes with the three point stance at 1:57 while Barry does a great terrified sell.  WHO CAN STOP THE CROSS-EYED PATH OF RAGE?

UPDATE!  WITH GORILLA MONSOON!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY WWF MAGAZINE!

Mr. Fuji lodged a formal complaint with corrupt old Jack Tunney, because there was no contract signed, and Jack rules in favor of Hulk Hogan as their completely tone deaf new direction continues.

Papa Shango v. David Clements

I know Vince was all about shilling the new “encore presentation” deal at this point, but the over-selling of the show as THE GREATEST WRESTLEMANIA OF ALL TIME is a bit much.  Also the idea that people who already paid $30 for it should want to pay that again to watch the show a second time is a pretty dubious proposition.  Vince’s heavy-handed hard sell, where he tells Lawler that “maybe he needs to order the encore presentation and take another look at the main event”, is pretty impressive in the balls-out oversell.  I’ve give him that.  Shango slams the jobber around and finishes him with the shoulderbreaker at 2:04.  Interesting to note that they’re making it out like Giant Gonzalez beat the Undertaker, which of course was not the case at all.

El Matador v. The Brooklyn Brawler

I’m sad that they didn’t even mention the epic Wrestlemania dark match between Tito and Papa Shango!  It’s on the Network under the Hidden Gems if you want to watch it, by the way.  Brawler evades Tito but gets stomped and slammed, and he hides in the ropes.  YOU BETTER WATCH THAT ENCORE, KING!  OK Vince we get the point.  Also telling me that there’s two Doinks is hardly going to make me drop $30 on the show.  El Pace with Extra Picante finishes at 2:45.  Also Jerry Lawler uses his telestrator to insinuate that Tito is having sex with Chiquita Banana afterwards.  That’s gotta be a Wellness violation.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH MEAN GENE!

No Sean Mooney this week?  It’s not even a drop-in promo, as Gene does a studio interview with Crush, and my god I’ve been waiting a long time to make this meme…

Now I can finally move on with my life.  Anyway, Crush is mad, but no one cares what he thinks anyway.  Also, Undertaker joins us, and Gene is pretty sure he smelled chloroform.  Wait, can I use two of my all-time favorite quotable lines in this one segment?

YES I CAN.

Meanwhile, Mr. Perfect brawls with Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania to end the Luger feud already. They wasted ZERO time shifting the heat with that one.  And it’s not like they had anything more pressing for Luger to move onto.

Lex Luger v. Dale Wolfe

Lex beats on Wolfe in the corner to start and runs him into the turnbuckle, then works on the back.  And then the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH finishes at 2:53 as he pins the jobber with one finger.  Vince lets us know that Jack Tunney is INVESTIGATING.

Meanwhile, Luna Vachon debuts at Wrestlemania, helping out Shawn Michaels in a weird partnership that didn’t work at all.

Kamala v. Duane Gill

They don’t even mention the Bam Bam-Kamala match that was hyped for weeks leading up to Wrestlemania and then didn’t happen.  Usual Kamala squash here as he stomps Gill down but as usual doesn’t know how to pin him.  You’d think they’d just teach the guy a submission move or something.  Seems like it would be easier than trying to explain the concept of “turn him over” night after night.  Splash finishes at 2:40.  This Kamala shit is going nowhere at this point and he’s not around much longer anyway.

WRESTLEMANIA REPORT!  WITH SEAN MOONEY!  BROUGHT TO YOU BY ICOPRO!

Yeah, let’s take another look at Giant Gonzalez at Royal Rumble, and then some still frames of their match at Wrestlemania.  Well that was informative.

Mr. Hughes v. J.D. Stryker

Oh man, so we’re off to Wrestling Challenge for this one, and who else is doing commentary for it now but JIM ROSS!  Yeah they didn’t even mention that one either until now.  This is of course the debut for Hughes, as Vince was uncharacteristically lazy and just recycled the gimmick from WCW, complete with the same gear and name.  Hughes gets a powerslam for two but picks him up, and then hits him with a backbreaker for two and picks him up again.  Bossman Slam finishes at 2:11.  Yeah Curtis Hughes isn’t exactly the guy who’s gonna freshen up the midcard for you.

Meanwhile, Andre the Giant is the first inductee into the WWF Hall of Fame.

Bob Backlund v. Anthony Howard

Bob takes the guy down and works on the mat with him, and we get an inset promo from Backlund as he talks about Andre the Giant and then finishes the guy with a rolling cradle at 1:55.  Meanwhile Lawler spends the entire match making fun of Backlund for being old and washed up.  Backlund puts the kid over afterwards and tells him to keep working and stick around the business.  And he did!  He lasted for another 20 years on the indy scene under various gimmicks, apparently.

EVENT CENTER!  WITH MEAN GENE!

Money Inc. join us as we finally discuss who won the tag team title match at the very end of the post-Wrestlemania show, and Doink denies that there’s another clown in the WWF.

Next week:  Mr. Perfect!  Crush!  The Headshrinkers!  Yokozuna!  Owen Hart v. Bam Bam Bigelow!

Oh hey, you know who couldn’t even be bothered up to show up on the post-Wrestlemania shows even though he was now WWF champion?  I’ll give you one guess.

I’m pretty sure that between this and the RAW show the night after Wrestlemania, this might be the absolute bottom of the barrel for post-WM weeks.  The big post-WM debut is MR. HUGHES and the new WWF champion isn’t even on the show.  It’s gonna be a long two months until King of the Ring, I’ll tell you what.