The SmarK Rant for TNT – 05.10.85
I’m still not feeling super great tonight (not the Covid, although I think it might be a mild form of food poisoning) so I’ll take a shot at NXT later on and I just want something light and breezy tonight.
“Bob Orton gets his broken arm looked at”
You had me at that title, show.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY CASTROL!
Your host is Vince McMahon
Bruno Sammartino is our first guest, and David’s entry into the sport has kind of gotten Bruno enthused for the sport again. So Vince throws it to Wrestlemania, where Bruno gets attacked by Johnny V and Brutus Beefcake and the Sammartinos team up to clear the ring. Back at the studio, Bruno lets us know how much he detests those two, although he doesn’t sound really into the storyline. So Vince gives us a tape from Championship Wrestling, where Jesse Ventura wins a squash and then badmouths Bruno over at the desk, which prompts a staredown that sadly didn’t go anywhere that I know of. I checked Cagematch to make sure, and nope, they never had a match. But it turns out that amidst all his crappy tag team matches with his son around the horn, by October he had a cage match on the Spectrum Network show, teaming with Paul Orndorff against Roddy Piper and Bob Orton! Yeah I’m gonna need that one to be added to the WWE Network, please and thank you. Anyway, Bruno would welcome the challenge of beating ass on anyone who wants to disrespect him or his son. I wouldn’t mess with him, dude.
We take a break and return with more from Bruno, and he’s satisfied with the progress of his son David thus far. Well he’s gotta say that.
David Sammartino v. RT Reynolds
Special LADY REFEREE here, although she doesn’t have a name yet because we didn’t know chicks were good for anything but making sandwiches and babies back in 1985. Thank god Stephanie came along 30 years later to teach us a better way. It’s like how we as men always used to say before our enlightenment in 2015: If you ever get attacked by a woman with a knife, just pull out a jar of mayo and some bread and she’ll fix you a sandwich with it. But now, thanks to Stephanie, of course we do not share such memes on Facebook because we know better. I briefly mentioned before, but the hippie-haired jobber with the bad Fu Manchu moustache here soon got a sharp military haircut and shave and was turned into Corporal Kirschner. David gets some slams on Reynolds, but he comes back with a slam of his own and stomps away, prompting David to come back with a suplex for one. Another suplex gets two. Powerslam finishes at 2:57. Funny how the jobber became by far the bigger star of the two guys, because wrestling is weird.
Back at the studio, Vince wonders if Bruno can put aside his protective instincts for his son in tag team matches and take care of business, but Bruno has confidence. Man that whole deal went south in a hurry.
Roddy Piper and Bob Orton are the next guests, and man, Bob’s arm injury just won’t heal properly. Piper is sad because Orton is just so incredibly tough and manly and insists on wrestling night after night on it! Which then sets up this amazing exchange:
Orton: “Man, I’m just so tough, like a real cowboy. If I just had gone to ‘Nam instead of Canada we’d have won the war!”
Piper: “Well, you made your decision.”
Well I just got my $9.99 worth from the Network for the month.
So Vince moves right past that, somehow not cracking up, and throws it to footage of Orton getting his arm injured at the hands of Hulk Hogan. Apparently Bob asked the ref for time, but didn’t even get it! Vince insinuates that Orton was interfering on behalf of Piper and so deserved it, but Orton sets him straight: Hulk was running from the ring and he kindly shoved Hogan back in the ring to fight like a real champion.
Cowboy Bob Orton v. Paul Roma
Off to Prime Time Wrestling for this one, as Orton bravely works with his new cast, but Roma goes after it like a coward, only to get powerslammed out of the corner. Bob elbows him down and follows with a double arm suplex, then drops a knee on his neck and goes to a chinlock on the mat. Bob hits a NASTY backbreaker and then finishes him off with the superplex at 2:55.
Back at the studio, and Bob sums up his performance: He was FANTASTIC. And he fought though incredible pain in his arm the whole time! Piper: “You’re a wonderful guy!” Vince wonders when the last time he actually had the arm examined was. Bob: “It’s chronic. I might have to wear it for the rest of my life. It just keeps getting injured and injured!” Piper stops to bury Paul Orndorff for losing at Wrestlemania (all abs, no guts, he is) but Paul is going to be a guest on Piper’s Pit and Roddy is sure Paul will apologize and they can bury the hatchet.
We take a break and return with a surprise visit from the resident physician of TNT, Doc Stevens, who wants to examine the broken arm. So the doctor produces an X-Ray of the arm after the initial injury, and then shows an X-Ray of the arm two weeks ago, showing that the arm is fully healed. Piper, however, calls shenanigans, claiming that they SWITCHED THE X-RAYS. Vince wants the doctor to examine the arm to be sure (Piper: “Why does he have to lay down to test the arm?”) but Orton is in incredible pain every time that the doctor touches the cast. The doctor thinks he’s faking, so Piper makes quacking noises (“Hospitals NEVER make mistakes, that’s why they don’t have insurance for doctors, am I right?”) and the heels storm off. MILLION BILLION STARS.
Ivan Putski is our next guest but he’s not topping that last one. Vince reminisces about when Ivan was 300 pounds, but now he’s cut and ripped.
Ivan Putski v. Goldie Rogers
Goldie Rogers sighting! Putski throws him around with snapmares and chases him to the floor, and then back in for some shoulderblocks to send him running again. Back in, the Polish Hammer finishes at 3:11.
We take a break and return with the Polish harvest, as an old woman from the old country is picking kielbasa from the kielbasa tree and letting us know when they’re ripe. Lord Alfred is hesitant about trying sausage fresh from the tree, but a little mustard fixes the taste right up. Ivan warns against the Warsaw weebills getting into the sausage, but apparently you just need to do a little polka to scare them off. We also get some insight into the socio-political problems facing Poland, as apparently this is the very last kielbasa tree from Poland and the government has banned planting of any more of them. Don’t even get me started on the government meddling in the sausage tree industry in THIS country. Mundare AB is being strip-mined of garlic links and the government won’t do anything about it! Sadly, she’s so upset that she can barely remember what her accent is supposed to be. But then she and Alfred share a sausage and we dance our way out of the segment.
Bob Orton and Roddy Piper storm back onto the set, protesting Vince and his fake doctor, and clearly Vince is protecting Hulk Hogan with this nonsense. Piper is pretty sure Vince has never even HAD a broken arm. Piper didn’t even recognize the arm in the X-Ray! Vince notes that the doctor suggested that the problem was mental, and Piper is like “SO NOW YOU’RE CALLING HIM MENTAL?!” Bob wants to storm off, but Piper insists that they stay instead and keep Vince company while he ends the show. So they do.
Well this show certainly put me in a good mood before bed. Can’t ask for more than that out of it.